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I am hurt in the relationship, can I make it better?

 
 
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 12:27 am
Hi am in the same sex relationship 5 years. Me and my girlfriend see each other one month, month and a half every year, cause we live in different countries. The rest of the time we talk on skype, every day at least 3 hours and chatting. This time when I went I was supposed to stay 4 months. I am learning the language and I dont know anybody else there except my girlfriend and her family. Her bad side is that she can yell, curse, humiliating me in front of other people(example saying not gonna be my tourist guide)her friends, family. This time when we fight she was leaving me in the house alone not coming after work and when I ask with a message if she gonna come home she was responding i am at my mom's ( when she is there her mom doesnt want her to use the phone, her mom has cancer and is under chemo). I was crying, feeling I want to leave. I stayed and pointed out the bad behaviour. I thought she will become better person, that is overwhelmed with the situation with her mom, and from all the family she is helping the most for her mom. Her best friend is her ex(has husband and kids and lives in different country) and she helped her in worst times years ago.i asked to be friends with her.She told me that when her ex will come they will go outside alone as a friends but not me, cause they have a lot of things to talk and I can not blend into. I said no. Few days after her mom gets worst and took into the hospital, then my girlfriend had to be in a hospital to watch over her mom 5-6 hours a day(she told me I couldnt go) plus 5 hours at work. I felt so frustrated, I felt I couldnt do anything. I was having this doubts where she goes and at the same time felt guilty for that cause her mom. I saw pictures of her and another ex she was telling me about and the last time I found another picture and she tell me she went there to see her mom only. On the social media she keeps pictures with the places where she has been with her exes. She keeps pictures on her lap top and says I won't give you the lap top cause you might see something you dont like. She become overwhelmed that she has to do a lot of things like go to work, drive, take care of her mom, buy food. She knew I couldnt drive, not at the beggining. I was cooking. Then the things got bad and I took my air ticket to go back after a month spend there. I told her and we had a fight, 5-6 hours before the flight she told me through message cause she was at work that she wanted me to stay. I was crying with hours, thinking why she didnt treat me better, why she didnt share her feelings more with me. And for the first time in my life with so many plane travels i felt panic attacks in the pplanes and in the apartment when I come back I felt the same. I remember all that times when I was alone in the house crying and all the fights I was freezing and shaking. She is saying that is my fault that i left and that we didnt talk about the issue.
 
PUNKEY
 
  4  
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 04:43 am
This girl treats you badly. She is rude and does not honor you.

Why do you stay in this relationship that makes you so sad?

0 Replies
 
najmelliw
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 08:40 am
@Good life,
I think that your girlfriend is dealing with a very stressful situation with her mother, and it doesn't sound like you were able to support her (although I get the sense you wanted to). If she is tense and volatile, she could very well blow up at inopportune moments.

As far as the situation between your girlfriend and the ex, it boils down to trust. Do you trust her to stay committed to you? If you have doubts, you need to end it: it will eat at you otherwise. Also, as you said, her ex is her best friend: that's a relationship that you have to make peace with for yourself. If you can't(due to jealousy) this is bound to fail, since you would require her to break contact with her best friend, all for the girl she sees a couple of months a year. She'll resent you for that, for sure.

If you have faith in her, let it go: don't stress her out over this situation with her best friend, but rather be supportive as far as her mother goes.

And next time you make arrangements to meet with your gf, make sure she has the time for you that you deserve, in so far as that you are her significant other and you flew over to her to see her.

Good luck!
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 09:04 am
@Good life,
I think telling you certain things are your fault is gaslighting you -- a sign of abuse. You're also being yelled at and isolated, and she manipulates you into staying.

I am going to be harsh now and I don't want to hurt your feelings but I do want you to know that from an outsider's perspective it seems she has only a few uses for you - cook, presumably maid, someone to watch her place, and likely also someone to screw.

I think you've gotten an extremely raw deal here.

Why stay?
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 12:21 pm
@Good life,
Good life wrote:

I stayed and pointed out the bad behaviour. I thought she will become better person,


People don't change that much. Any relationship where one party thinks the other will change is doomed to failure.

She's cruel and manipulating, and although her mum's cancer clearly has put a strain on her it won't have changed her that much. If she was kind and considerate she would apologise for snapping at you/showing you up in front of others. She hasn't, and what's worse is she's using her mother's cancer to manipulate you.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't give her mother cancer. It's not your fault. Move on and find someone more deserving of your affection.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 22 Jul, 2018 12:49 pm
@Good life,
Was she nice to you at some time in the past?

It certainly doesn't seem like she is treating you with any sort of respect/kindness (let alone love).

Why are you with a person who seems to be treating you as unwanted staff?
0 Replies
 
 

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