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My parents never support my friendships but it's my fault…

 
 
Reply Fri 20 Jul, 2018 07:15 pm
Ok so first of all I'm 18 and diagnosed with autism. I have problems communicating with others, behavior problems and etc. I have always had difficulty to make friends, but I still had a few in my life. These friendships were always ending for some reason…maybe because my parents never like my friends…but it's my fault.

They always say that they think my friends are controlling and etc. Now I have a best friend and they say that again. Let's call her Laury, when I talk to my parents I always say that Laury wanted to do a certain activity. Because she's almost always the one coming up with the ideas or timings, simply because it's hard for me to come up with them, or sometimes to affirmate myself. Also sometimes if my parents doesn't want me to do an activity with her because they find it expensive and they convince me, in the bottom of my heart I wanted to do it so I change back idea. So that's why they always think she's controlling me but she's not.

I tried to explain to them that Laury wasn't controlling me at all and that was just me who was the problem cause I don't know how to come up with ideas and etc. But they don't believe me and they still hate her. Now I feel bad cause it seems like I make my parents hate everyone I talk to.

Am I the problem after all? Are my parents right, is she controlling me? Or what…I don't know what to think, and what should I do? I feel like my parents will never support my friendships because of me and my problem.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Sat 21 Jul, 2018 05:04 am
@Shygirly13,
You are 18 and therefore an adult now (although you may not feel any different than you did when you were 17). Basically, one of the beautiful things about being a grownup is that you don't have to run everything by your parents any more, even if you still live with them.

Still be respectful, and certainly tell them if you'll be out, if you'll be late, etc. as that's common courtesy so they won't worry. Always take your phone and answer if they call. If you say you'll be home at 11 or 1 or whatever, make sure you are, or at least you call and tell them you'll be late.

At some point, despite your issues, your parents will still need to start letting you make your own decisions, and that includes who you are friends with and what you do together. If you aren't in any physical danger and if Laury or anyone else has been good to you, then their objections are really without foundation.

Whether they want to admit this or not, they will not be around forever to save you from yourself. Even if you will live in a group home situation for your entire life, you will still have plenty of time where you are the one who has to make the choices and live with the consequences.

Being an adult also means you have to deal with disappointments and failures, and it's better to deal with those when you are young and it's often on a smaller scale, rather than when you're older and it can be devastating. Yes, people need practice failing and picking themselves up, dusting themselves off, and getting right back into things.

Another thing is that you could be in some ways misinterpreting their intentions and/or their words. From your posts here, you seem to be shy and unassertive to a fault. I know it can be a hard thing to do, but the truth is, you will need to become more active in your own life in order to get what you want and need. And maybe what you see as them 'hating' your friends, they may see as an effort to get you to start sticking up for yourself and not letting people dictate your life to you.

Your life (as would anyone else's, autism or no) will be a helluva lot better if you take charge of some aspects of it, and don't just let yourself be buffeted by every breeze and current out there.

There is nothing selfish or bad about standing up for what you need, think, and believe.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
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Reply Sat 21 Jul, 2018 06:53 am
What kind of activities are “expensive” that make your family nervous?

Who pays when you go out?

You can always say you like it when she plans events, since that’s something you don’t care to do.


0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  2  
Reply Sat 21 Jul, 2018 07:59 am
It's not your fault. You're not to blame for having a brain that's wired a bit differently.

If your friend is expecting you to pay for her every time you go out on these visits then she is taking advantage. If she pays her own way she's not. Maybe you can have a think about where you'd like to go before you next see her so it won't be a spur of the moment thing.

My son is also 18 and autistic. He really loves animals so whenever we go on holiday we always visit the zoo if there's one nearby.

What do you like to do? Think about it now and google places near by that can help.

Btw, your writing is very good.
steven bill
 
  0  
Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 02:29 am
@izzythepush,
you should listen to your parents even if you are '18' years old. if both your mom and dad think this way, they could be semi-right.but if they're not dont try to hurt their feelings to. it still goes under the 'protection' genre. and thats because they love you.
izzythepush
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 02:52 am
@steven bill,
What do you know about it? Do you have an autistic child?
steven bill
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 05:12 am
@izzythepush,
in my country [which shall remain nameless] there are 100 cases of autism spectrum disorder per year. i am certain that knowing is diffrent from experience..but it would be mocking if i did'nt know anything and still have to post something.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 05:25 am
@steven bill,
You addressed me not the OP, and only one of my parents is still alive anyway. Living in a country with autistic people is no answer. Everybody lives in a country with autistic people. Unless you have personal experience of people with autism you really don't know what you're talking about.

Autistic people tend to be socially awkward, they find it hard to make friends, and parents can be over protective. It's very important they're allowed to keep friends. My post pointed out behaviour by the OP's friend that would amount to them taking advantage of her.

You just gave a load of ill thought out, and poorly expressed, platitudes based on nothing but your own gut instincts.

Btw, if you don't know how to construct a basic sentence, (start with a capital letter, and end with a full stop,) you shouldn't be giving advice to people on how to end a novel.
steven bill
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 06:04 am
@izzythepush,
rudeness is the weak mans imitation of strength.
steven bill
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 06:23 am
@izzythepush,
no one is more insufferable than one who lacks courtesy.these mental illness could mayhep last of five years but for the rude, it's till death.
0 Replies
 
steven bill
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 06:28 am
@izzythepush,
a load of ill thoughts? how many phrases did you read up there?
jespah
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 06:52 am
@steven bill,
You really have no idea what you're talking about. He does. It would be a good idea for you to step back and maybe stop spouting platitudes which really don't have anything whatsoever to do with the original poster.
izzythepush
 
  1  
Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 08:16 am
@steven bill,
Talking bollocks is the preserve of the opinionated and ignorant.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 08:19 am
@steven bill,
izzythepush wrote:

You just gave a load of ill thought out, and poorly expressed, platitudes


steven bill wrote:

a load of ill thoughts?


Proof, if it were needed, that you have no idea about anything.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 08:21 am
@jespah,
Thanks Jes.
0 Replies
 
 

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