Heartache at Crossroads

Reply Thu 19 Jul, 2018 07:09 pm
I am 31 years old and have been married to my husband, 33-years, for 4 years, together for 7. We have no children. My husband is a loving and generous partner who cares deeply about me but we have no sexual chemistry whatsoever and I do not feel any passion or excitement in the marriage; I do not think I ever felt attracted to him, but I saw him as a good companion and was just happy that he desired me and would provide stability in my life. Late last year I began an affair with an old friend who lives interstate, who I felt much greater attraction to and who seemed to have much in common with me; I wanted to leave my husband and be with this other man, but I felt overwhelmed by guilt, anxiety and ambivalence. I ended up seperating from my husband for a short while but things did not go smoothly and through my cowardice and ambivalence (I did not ever stop communicating with my husband) I managed to ruin my chance with the other man. He is incredibly angry that I used him and now will not speak to me and I have gone back to my marriage where I still feel unhappy and unsatisfied. I do not know what to do - I cannot explain why I am not happy in my marriage, I just dont feel the spark; I am grieving the loss of a chance of happiness with someone else, but still feel afraid to leave and take the risk of being alone forever. My husband is romantic and caring but I just cannot feel attracted to him and it makes me feel resentful and hopeless. I feel like our marriage is based on lies and that I cannot be myself. I do not want to move forward and have children in this state of ambivalence, but I also am aware that my life is passing by and I need to sort things out for the sake of everyone involved.
Reply Thu 19 Jul, 2018 09:06 pm
I think that somehow you knew that your lover was just that - not husband material. So you really set it up so that he would slip away. He was the right nan at the wrong time.

And you have put your husband into the “friend zone” and seem not willing to even try to make that spark. Is it pity that you hang on and that time is passing by? Wrong man at the Right time.

Let this husband go so he can find a woman crazy lustful for him. ( He must miss that, too) and set up a household of your own. Then set out to find the right man at right time.

You owe all parties honesty, especially yourself. It’s going to get painful and will require courage. Good luck.

Reply Fri 20 Jul, 2018 04:34 am
Thank you for your reply;
Right now I am so fixated on wanting to go back in time and treat the other man with more care and consideration - I was so selfish and wanted so much from him. He hates me, won’t communicate with me, and I feel like I have made a huge mistake and lost a chance to be happy. We had great chemistry on all counts and he gave me so much, even if I leave my husband I fear he will have moved on and won’t ever forgive me or give me another chance
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Reply Fri 20 Jul, 2018 04:56 am
It's now been two months since your original post and you're back seeking advice again.

It's quite evident you have't told your husband about the affair. I think if he knew the truth, the nagging question should you leave or stay, just may be answered for you.

I think you need to stop focusing on who and what man can bring to you. If you don't know who you are and what you want how can you expect others to "make" you happy? That's your job, and you're failing at it.

No one can tell you what to do. You're an adult and you have to start making adult decisions. It's time to put away childish thoughts about how to live your life. So far, you've married a man you don't cherish as a husband and had an affair, only to make a mess of that too.

What do you want?

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Reply Fri 20 Jul, 2018 06:57 am
Live alone. No guy. Just you. Do this for a while. As in, at least 3 - 6 months if not longer. Get some perspective and some feelings of independence. You don't need to be initiating divorce proceedings but you should probably clue in your husband that you think the marriage is close to its end. He may do the favor for you.

I am suggesting this because, like neptuneblue said, you're basically being a passive vessel for attention and affection. What do you want? Don't just say a man. I mean, what do you want from life?

Living alone, particularly for people who have never done so before, can be a great way to crystallize your feelings, your thoughts, your goals, and your intentions. When you have no one to depend on but yourself, you work harder. And then when you are in a relationship again, you can go into it without the desperate cling of "Take care of me." "Make me happy." "See to my needs."

Being alone means you do every single one of those things yourself. And then when you're in a relationship again, you can focus on the relationship and how the two of you have chemistry (or not) and how you sync together (or not) and how you can help the other person and love them, not on how they can love you.
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Reply Mon 23 Jul, 2018 10:33 pm
I’m sorry you are so unhappy in your marriage. I believe honesty is always best. The longer you hold onto those feelings, which now seems to have resulted in resentfulness and hopelessness, the more unhappy you are going to be. I can’t help but wonder about your husband’s happiness too. Surely he senses your unhappiness, I would think. You seem to be more concerned about the other man rather than your husband and what this is doing to him.

I believe happiness comes from within. It’s not others responsibility to make us happy. Happiness is a choice. If we are searching for happiness from others, we will be searching all of our lives. Look inside. That’s where the key is. I hope everything works out for the best.
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