80 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom - the light goes on when I pee, and then "Poof!", the light goes off when I'm done."
"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible."
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and "poof"!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then "poof" the light goes off?"
"That old fool! He's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
The Old Lady Fart
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.
You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor", she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
> > > Subject: Importance of a Second Opinion
> > >
> > >
> > > >Bob was a successful lawyer but he was increasingly hampered by
> > > incredible
> > > >headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought
> > > medical help.
> > > >
> > > >After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
> > > across
> > > >an old country doctor who solved the problem.
> > > >
> > > >"The good news is that I can cure your headaches ... The bad news is
> > > that it will require castration. You
> > > >have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up
> > > against the base of your spine, and the
> > > >pressure creates a terrible headache. The only way to relieve the
> > > condition is to remove your testicles."
> > > >
> > > >Bob was shocked and depressed.
> > > >
> > > >He wondered whether he had anything to live for.
> > > >
> > > >He couldn't even concentrate long enough to answer his own question,
> > > but
> > > >decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
> > > >
> > > >When he left the hospital after the surgery he was without a headache
> > > for the first time in 20 years,
> > > >but he also felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
> > > >
> > > >As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different
> > > person. He could make a new
> > > >beginning and live a new life. He saw a Brooks Brothers store and
> > > thought: "That's what I need .... a new suit."
> > > >
> > > >He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit," and
> > > picked one out.
> > > >
> > > >The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 46
> > > long."
> > > >
> > > >Bob laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
> > > >
> > > >"Been in the business 60 years."
> > > >
> > > >Bob tried on the suit and it fit him perfectly. As Bob admired
himself,
> > >
> > > >the salesman said, "How about a new shirt?"
> > > >
> > > >Bob thought for a moment then said, "Sure."
> > > >
> > > >The salesman eyed Bob, and said, "34 sleeve and a 17" neck."
> > > >
> > > >Bob was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?
> > > >
> > > >"Been in the business 60 years."
> > > >
> > > >Bob tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Bob adjusted the
> > > collar
> > > >in the mirror, the salesman said, "How about new shoes?"
> > > >
> > > >Bob was on a roll and said, "Sure."
> > > >
> > > >The salesman eyed Bob's feet, and said, "Let's see 13 1/2."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >Bob was astonished, "How did you know?"
> > > >
> > > >"Been in the business 60 years."
> > > >
> > > >Bob tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Bob walked comfortably
> > > around the shop
> > > >and the salesman said, "How about some new underwear?"
> > > >
> > > >Bob thought for a second, and said, "Sure."
> > > >
> > > >The salesman stepped back, eyed Bob's waist and said, "Let's see
.....
> > > size 36."
> > > >
> > > >Bob laughed, "Ah ha. I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18
years
> > > old in High School.
> > > >
> > > >The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear size 34. A 34 underwear
> > > would
> > > >press your testicles up against your spine and give you a hell of a
> > > headache..
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral........I'm a gynecologist."
That's when the proctologist fainted.
This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!
"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."
The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.
"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again "...On the road again..."
The M.A. is totally unimpressed...
"So what?" he says.
"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?
"the guy asked,
"Are you kidding?" says the M.A.
"Any asshole can sing country music!"
> Subject: HILLBILLY VASECTOMY
>
>
>
> After having their 11th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple
> decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the
husband
> went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want
to
> have any more children.
>
> The doctor told him that there was a procedure called vasectomy
that
> could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
>
> A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a
> cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains),
> light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his
ear
and count to
> 10.
>
> The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in
the
> world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next
> to my ear is going to help me."
>
> "Trust me, " said the doctor.
>
> So the hillbilly went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
> can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
>
> "1"
>
> "2"
>
> "3"
>
> "4"
>
> "5" ..........
>
> At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and
> resumed counting on his other hand.
>
>
> This procedure also works in Kentucky, West Virginia, Arkansas,
> Louisiana, and parts of Mississippi. !
===============================================================
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.> However, while working as a volunteer, I found one elderly gentleman -> already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet - > who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.> > After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him> to the elevator. On the way down I asked if his wife was meeting him. "I> don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out> of her hospital gown."
