MEDICAL, DOCTORS, & DIETS JOKES

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"John, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty pussy."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."

A young girl had been suffering from severe headaches and had tests run by her doctor. The doctor said, "I'm sorry miss, but you have a massive brain tumor."

The girl started crying and said to her mom, "I'm only 15 years old. I don't want to die."

The doctor said, "Well this is modern medicine. There is an experimental technique for a brain transplant, but it's expensive and not covered by insurance."

The girl's mother said, "Don't worry, dear. How much does it cost?"

The doctor replied, "Well, a male brain is $1,000,000 and the female brain is $25,000."

The mom said, "No problem. But why is the male brain more expensive then the female brain?" The doctor replied, "Because the female brain is USED!"

Doctor: I'm sorry to tell you this, but your condition is terminal.
Patient: How long do I have to live, doc?
Doctor: Ten.
Patient: Ten what? Years, months?
Doctor: Nine...Eight...Seven...

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some bad news and some worse news.
Patient: What's wrong?
Doctor: The bad news is you have Alzheimer's disease.
Patient: And the worse news?
Doctor: You have six weeks to live.
Patient: Well it could be worse. At least I don't have Alzheimer's.

There are really only two lawyer jokes, with a few variations. The rest are relatively true stories told by former clients.

The Automated Doctor (R)

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
better.

The famous surgeon died and worked his way Heavenwards, arriving ultimately at the Pearly Gates. Just like the VA clinics there was a long line. He was not having any of this and strode to the head of the queue and berated St. Peter who was overseeing the admissions procedure.

"I can't hang around here in a line like this," explained the surgeon. "Don't you know who I am?"

"No, who are you?" asked St. Peter.

"I'm Dr. Simon Rothschild III, President of the American College of Surgeons, Surgeon on-call for the United States President, Chairman of ..."

"O.K., O.K., O.K.," said St. Peter, "I get the idea. However, it makes no difference here. Everyone is equal and you must go to the back of the line."

At that moment a harassed little man in a crumpled suit rushed up in an obvious hurry. He carried a little doctor's bag, a stethoscope was hanging round his neck and an VA prescription pad was poking out of his pocket. He quietly said something in St. Peter's ear, and without further ado St. P. opened the Pearly Gates and the crumpled little man went through.

This was too much for our eminent surgeon.

"And what was all that about everyone being equal ! ! You send an eminent doctor like me to the back of the line, but you let an insignificant common-place G.P. like that through without so much as a hesitation."
"Sorry," said St. P., "but that wasn't a G.P., that was God. Sometimes he likes to play at being a doctor"

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem
with sex. "I think my privates are too small." He says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. "Well,
Lager," he replies, quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem. It shrinks things,
those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness.
That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor
with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor
by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.
"No", replies the man "but I've got the wife on Lager!"

Schizophrenic Poem

Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
and so am I!

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that
would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and
would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his
peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.
He was also paid $50,000 to present his find. He did a couple
more of these presentations and realized that it would be
more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a
surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired
a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about
6 months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know....
This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture
and that's more than I get paid in a year," replies the
driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated
procedure and that he is the only person that can give this
lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have
seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by
heart," says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what. You do this
lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right."
replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, "Ok. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the
driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat
and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also
answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the
driver thinks he's done, an audience member, wearing a lab
coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex
question that the driver is not able to answer.

"You know..." says the driver, "I have done this lecture 287
times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As
a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going
to let my driver answer it."

Proctologist at the Bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years
with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's
referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The
doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across
my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you
know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp
muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my
wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve
the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and
come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you
feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally
alert butforgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. They talk for about thirty minutes.
the psychiatrist says, "You know you're really crazy."
The man says, "I'd like a second opinion."
The psychiatrist says "Well, you're really quite ugly too."

A man goes to a psychiatrist. They talk for about thirty minutes.
the psychiatrist says, "You know you're really crazy."
The man says, "I'd like a second opinion."
The psychiatrist says "Well, you're really quite ugly too."

The Patient

A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! My doctor doesn't tell me ****!"

<><><><><><><><><><><><><>

There was this fellow who received a phone call from his doctor. The doctor said, "I have some bad news and some really bad news."

The fellow said, "let me have it."

The doctor said, "The bad news is that I got your test results back and you have only 24 hours to live."

The man groaned, sobbed, and otherwise carried on. Finally he asked the doctor, "What's the really bad news?"


The doctor replied, "I forgot to call you yesterday!"

"I'm afraid your condition is terminal", the doctor told his patient.
"That's horrible!" cried the patient. "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten." said the doctor.
"Ten what? years? Months? Weeks?"
"Nine...eight...seven..."

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope
> on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's
> anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed.
> "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the
> patient.
> Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I
> told a woman that her husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
> later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
> family that he had died of a "massive internal
> fart."
> Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> I was performing a complete physical, including the
> visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty
> feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye
> with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
> "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both,"
> I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even
> read the large E on the top line. I turned and
> discovered that he had done exactly what I had
> asked; he was standing there with both his eyes
> covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
> Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment
> with his cardiologist, he informed me, as his
> doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
> nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
> and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I
> had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
> I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
> on his body! Now the instructions include removal of
> the old patch before applying a new one.
> Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
> I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a
> look of complete confusion she answered ... "Why,
> not for about twenty years -- when my husband was
> alive."
> Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked,
> "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very
> good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
> get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then
> asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil
> packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A a
> young woman entered with purple hair styled into a
> punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
> and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly
> determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so
> she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
> was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
> staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green,
> and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off
> the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
> surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
> dressing, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
>
> * * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> A new, young MD was doing his residency in
> obstetrics. He was quite embarrassed performing
> female pelvic exams. To conceal his embarrassment he
> had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
> softly. A middle aged lady upon whom he was
> performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and
> further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work
> and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
> you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you
> were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
> Wiener.'"