For our British friends

Your laugh assignment for the weekend!
Weekly News Update 4 March 2005

Hot on the heels of the food industry scandal around the Sudan 1 dye, British supermarket chain Tesco has been accused of misleading its customers after trading standards officers found several alleged failings during an eight-week test on its products. In one example, the officers were reported to have discovered that a product labelled 'controlled sodium' contained 10 times the amount of salt allowed for reduced salt foods.

The study also found:

* frozen lamb mince contaminated with traces of pork;
* a juice drink labelled as having "added vitamin C" but, when tested, was found to contain only a tiny amount of the vitamin - and far less than that advertised; and
* a chicken sandwich which contained over 50% more salt than stated on its label.

In the most serious case, trading standards have launched a formal investigation into misleading labelling on a children's drink and may prosecute the supermarket.

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English football can always be relied upon to turn out cliches. See how many you can count in these quotes from Roy Blower, the chairman of Norwich City Supporters Association. He is talking about the public outburst from Norwich's chief shareholder, TV chef Delia Smith, during the game against Manchester City.

'"She wears her heart on her sleeve and she's got a heart the size of a barn-door."

"All she was trying to do was rev it up a notch. She has turned her life around for the benefit of the club and she has given up income to be at Norwich. She's done everything but walk on water."'

Lovely stuff.

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Electricity can be dangerous. Everyone knows that. So you would think that installation instructions supplied with lighting products would be absolutely clear. Erm...not always. One of our supporters sent us the following.

'3. The switched main live is generally a single black wire and this is connected to the brown wire(s) on the fitting. On a wall light this should be a single red wire. The neutral is generally two black wires and these are connected to the blue wire(s). On a wall light this should be a single black wire. The mains earth wire(s) must be connected to the all green/yellow wire(s) or earth terminal on the fitting.'

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Sadly, apostrophe abuse continues to thrive unpunished. Typing the phrase 'CD's, Video's and DVD's' into the Google internet search engine finds nearly 5000 home entertainment retailers guilty as charged...

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Your contributions to our 'Silly Signs' appeal keep flooding in. A reader from Cyprus saw this on an office wall.

'Instructions for the Proper Use of Fire Extinguisher.

1. Confront the fire according to the direction of the wind.
2. For extinguishing the fire on a surface of liquid fuel, begin at its base.
3. For extinguishing a fire coming from a liquid fuel source eg. paraffin oil, begin from the top and proceed to the base of the flames.
4. Use numerous fire extinguishers for better results.
5. Do not immediately leave the area where the fire has broken out, even after the flames have been extinguished. Remain there until enough time has elapsed for it to be clear that no further outbreak is likely.'

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Have you ever had to bluff your way through a business meeting by using phrases like "We need to think outside the box with blue sky thinking to improve the bottom line"? Of course not. You are fervent disciples of plain English. However, a survey has revealed that some workers feel under pressure to 'blag' at work.

Fashionable buzzwords and 'management-speak' (or 'drivel') are convenient tools that hide the fact that the speaker doesn't quite know what they are talking about. Unfortunately, while technological tools "help people share information better" (Mike Pryce, Microsoft UK) and make businesses "more efficient and productive", they are also helping managers catch out the fibbers.

Talking on Radio Five Live, our founder Chrissie Maher said:

"Tight deadlines and pressure from management can easily make people feel they need to use 'blag' language which avoids saying anything specific. This can be very dangerous, as decision-makers will not have the detailed information they need."

81% of respondents said blagging made them feel stressed, and 66% said that it meant creating more work for themselves in the future. 57% also think it undermines colleagues' trust in them.

Oh dear. We can feel a verb-free slogan coming on...

'Plain English. Good for business. Good for your health.'