PARENTING, KIDS, & FAMILY JOKES

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.

2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.

11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Very true, LOL!

HOLDING THE BABY

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

OBSERVING THE BABY

Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Children's Books You'll Never See


"You Are Different and That's Bad"

"Dad's New Wife Timothy"

"Pop! Goes The Hamster . . . And Other Great Microwave
Games"

"Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household
Pets"

"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"

"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"

"Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"

"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"

"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's
Purse"

"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"

"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"

"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"

"Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"

Caught For Speeding


The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

the funniest, (unless you are enduring it)
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother
Things I've learned from my children (honest &no kidding):


1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...
'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Too cute

Verbal, I gotta tell ya, this is one the funniest things I ever read in my life!!!

Me, too- Big dice. I just HAD to post it, and I guess it is because we need to laugh at ourselves when these "AGGRAVATIONS" happen.
Thanks for letting me know you got a laugh from it.

PARENTING, KIDS, & FAMILY JOKES
Daddy was surprised when his 6 year old daughter asked "Daddy, what's sex?" He sat her down and told her all. When he finished her eyes were a little glazed and her jaw had dropped. He then asked why she had asked. She replied "Mommy said dinner will be ready in 30 secs."

Good one Bob

Parents should be careful of TMI- (more than they need to know)

Being a Mom of a 3 and a 5 i have some helarious ones, though they wern't very funny at the time....

From my daughter I found out that a Floppy Disk drive will hold all but the ends of a 8 inch quartz crystal anklet, with bells.

From my son I have learned, DVD's make awsome Frisbees. So do certified copies of Windows 2000 Professional.

I have learned from my daughter what a Sharpee perminate Marker does to a TV Screen. She wanted to draw "winnie the pooh" while he was playing.

From my son, I learned that Clorox Gel Clenser will take the Sharpee Marker off of The side of a customers computer case. But only if you scrub it for 3 hours.

He also taught me that my head board on my bed is a great diving board to begine jumping on the bed.

I learned from both of them.. The top of refridgerator is NOT a safe place to store things that you don't want them to have. The freezer Rarely works and the main chamber of the fridge door definately doesn't work.... Unless the handles are removed. But at age 4 they can still open it.

I learned to use the lock function on the Microwave.

That the Hight of the leggos off the floor is equal in perportion to the desire of the want of the said leggos. ( The higher you put it up, the more they want it and the more they will do to get to it.

I learned from my 2, no matter how kid friendly the food may be. If its not THEIR idea, they wont eat it.

That boys are opposite of girls. What ever the boy wants to eat, the girl has to have the complete opposite.

Computers Make Great Drums.

That the size of mess in their room is exactly equal to the desire to clean it... (the bigger the mess, the louder the screams)

It's not funny when it is happening, I know.

(love your flippant wings)

Thanks Verbal Lee, I kinda like my little "unibug" too. His name is Joey, though I didn't name him. He is a cutie though!

I'm sorry I havn't welcomed you before now, so Glad to have ya here and Welcome!!!

PARENTING, KIDS, & FAMILY JOKES
Yes, welcome Verbal Lee. I just joined myself last month and am really enjoying this. I have a serious side too but it's hard to find. My frown has rust and dust on it. Let me start your day with one of my favorie stories.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. In the middle of the night Holmes turned to Watson and asked "Watson, when you look at the stars like this what does it mean to you?" Watson thought a little and replied "I think of the millions or billions of years it must have taken to form the universe, I think of Jupiter aligned with Mars, I think of the beauty and brightness of stars and what they mean to young lovers. What does it mean to you Holmes?"
"You idiot" he said "someones stolen our tent."

KIDS AND PROVERBS[/b]
From the elementary school crowd, here's what happened when their teacher asked them to complete some famous proverbs:
Jokes From the Tourette's Syndrome Site

The first grade class gathered around the teacher for a game of "Guess the Animal." The first picture the teacher held up was of a cat. "Okay boys and girls," she said brightly, "can anyone tell me what this is?"

"I know, I know, it's a cat!" yelled a little boy.

"Very good Eddie. Now, who knows what this animal is called?"

"That's a dog!" piped up the same little boy.

"Right again. And what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

Silence fell over the class. After a minute or two, the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint, children...it's something your mother calls your father."

"I know, I know," screamed Eddie. "It's a Nincompoop!"