FUNNY QUOTES, QUIPS, & INSULTS

I like children. If they're properly cooked. -WC Fields

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airplane baggage. -Mark Russell

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -Dean Martin

LOL!

Stuff you should never say to a cop

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in. And that hooker I met at the AIDS clinic
said you were a nice guy. Hey, you must've been doin'
about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job! That uniform
makes your ass look really big. Excuse me. Is "stick
up" hyphenated? I thought you had to be in relatively
good physical condition to be a Police Officer. You
don't happen to have any beer in your car, do you? "Bad
Cop! No Donut!" You're not gonna check the trunk, are
you? "Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence."
"Lets do it differently this time . . . I'll give YOU the
breathalizer test. Now stick this in your mouth and
blow" Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my
girlfriend's nightstand. I bet I could grab that gun
before you finish writing my ticket. So, uh, you on the
take, or what? Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn
them off or I am not speaking to you. Gee,officer!
That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
too! "Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just as long as
one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far
they are ahead of me. So, are you still crabby because
your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you
were little? Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No,
I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak
up or just leave me alone. What do you mean 'have I
been drinking?' You're the trained specialist. Well,
when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and
gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. Hey is
that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity
searches?

A little boy just got a brand new bike for Christmas and was
riding down it down the street. He stopped at a red light
next to a Police Officer on a horse.

The Police Officer asked the boy "Did Santa bring you that
new bike?" the boy replied "Yes!"

"It looks like Santa forgot to put reflextors on the back of
your bike" said the Police Officer, "The next time I see you
there better be reflextors on your bike!" said the Police
Officer.

The little boy replied "Yes Sir".

"Officer, can I ask you a question?" said the little boy.

"Yes", said the Officer.

"Did Santa bring you that horse?" asked the boy.

"Yes he did!" said the officer.

"Oh, if I ever get a horse I'm going to ask Santa to put the
dick under the horse instead of on top!!!!" said the boy.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mother.

"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain." ?-Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher


"The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular." ?-Jay Leno

"While attention has been focused on war with Iraq, our military has been focused on an enemy one much closer to home. That's right people. At 11:15 a.m. yesterday the United States of America attacked Florida. I'm sure our government tried every diplomatic solution, but as rough as this is, let's face it, Florida had it coming. I mean honestly, Elian, the 2000 election, the Everglades." ?-Jon Stewart, on the military dropping a huge new bomb called MOAB (nicknamed the "Mother of All Bombs") on a test-range in Florida

"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds and it is guided by a GPS system. Isn't that an SUV? ... The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." ?-Jay Leno


"Do you know why they tested this bomb in Florida? It's conditions are almost identical to the ones in Iraq. Florida is full of people who don't speak English, lots of sand, warm climate, and, of course, in Florida they don't believe in fair elections either." ?-Jay Leno

"Looks like Bush may soon be getting rid of one world leader, of course it is Tony Blair." ?-Jay Leno


"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." ?-Craig Kilborn


"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed." ?-Jay Leno

"The Pentagon is taking dozens and dozens of lawyers to the Persian Gulf to act as legal advisors. Sometimes you have to fight evil with evil." ?-Jay Leno

Michael Feldman, public radio's "Whad'Ya Know?" on the women's group protesting the war by advocating withholding sex: "All this time, my wife was a peacenik!"

"As you all know we're about to start March Madness. That's NCAA college basketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle them down to just one, you know kind of like our allies." ?-Jay Leno

"Mexico is still not with us. Mexico said that they don't believe that we have a right to go to Iraq. Believe me, if there's one rule Mexico's adamant about it's respecting another country's border." ?-Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." ?-Jon Stewart

"How many watched Bob Dole and Bill Clinton on '60 Minutes?' It was so strange because I'm used to Hollywood actors debating the issues so it was weird to see two people who know what the hell they're talking about. ... I guess experts gave Dole the edge in foreign affairs while Clinton had the edge in extra-martial affairs." ?-Jay Leno

"President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go." ?-Jay Leno

"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."
.. Socrates

The trouble with some women is they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

Three that I use on occasion:

"If I wanted to hear your opinion, I'd fart"

"Your mother is like a jar of peanut butter...easy to spread and packed full of nuts"

"He's sweating more than Michael Jackson in a day care center"

LEARN YOUR STATE MOTTO:
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Home of the headless drivers

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, (Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan: First Line Of Defense from The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars Hard At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Hookers and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto right here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To an Attorney .....

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: Home of Lake Erie and the Mistake By The Lake (Cleveland)

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Edjucashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family... Really!

tobbaco is a veggie!

If l wanted any crap from you l would have squeezed your head.

A pat on the back, through only a few vertebrae removed from a kick in the pants, is miles ahead in results.
Bennett Cerf

Handful of quotes
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
visit people only once a year.
~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
~Mark Twain

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir mighty scarce.
~Mark Twain

My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
~Les Dawson

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
~Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
~Jilly Cooper

I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing.
It was here first.
~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
~Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position.
~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
~George Burns

We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
~Unknown

Don't worry about avoiding temptation...
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
~Unknown

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But .everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
~Unknown

Doctor to patient:
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
~Unknown

The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
~Unknown

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
~Unknown


Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.