So, I'm very new to this site and not sure if this will be helpful but I'll give it a go. I communicate with my boyfriend a lot I just have no idea what to do anymore. We are happily in love, I'm 21 and I'm doing a pretty intense degree so my relationship isn't my life but he is important to me and I want us to continue to be happy. I've had an issue with sex since I first tried it. It is very painful for me and I simply don't get any pleasure from it. I bleed and it rips my skin apart. We have been together nine months and we haven't tried sex again since the first month we dated as its taken a long time with the NHS to figure out what is wrong with my body. As it turns out, my muscles are just abnormally very tight and it will take a lot of time and work to 'loosen' them. I am willing to put in that work, I'm just worried it will always be painful or that I will never enjoy it (there is no guarantee either issue can be fixed). He has been very patient with me so far, and in no way pushy. But there is this big part of me that would much rather never have sex with a guy again. I am bisexual and the idea of having sex with a girl seems far more enjoyable, and that's nothing to do with my sexuality that is because my body would not be in pain (however I am also in generally more sexually attracted to girls). The physical barrier with sex has very much confused me. I've questioned if I am bi or if I'm gay. But is it possible to love a man and also be gay? I do love him very much and I really wish I could be different. But I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, and I can't pretend I enjoy it, and I also realise as much as we love each other if I can't have sex there is a time limit for our relationship. I know I'm young but I really do see myself with him in the far future and it would be heart breaking for us to separate.
So, I would like some advice. I'm not really too sure what I want advice on... Maybe if someone could wave their magic wand and fix my body? If anyone is curious, I am more sexually attracted to girls than guys and I have had sex with a girl. I am also aware that all these issues with sex has lead to a huge psychological barrier against it. Other further information - I have a very low sex drive (if one at all), this could be to do with my negative experience with sex. I also have an issue with him touching me in anyway. I have days where even if he touches my shoulder it makes me tense up. We don't kiss a lot because I find this very difficult. I'm not sure why, I hate that I do. But for some reason my body just tenses up and my mind becomes incredibly stressed. Again I've questioned if this is linked to my sexuality but shouldn't I just know the answer to that? I have a lot of trust issues due to been treated badly in the past and I know its nearly impossible for me to let anyone close to me physically or emotionally so it can also link to that (I am pro-actively working on this). Basically, I'm trying to figure out if its just time I need to eventually be able to let him in and my mind will find peace with it. Or is it the way I am, and that time will never change this about me (whether its my sexuality or something else)?
Any opinions/advice? Or anyone been through something very similar?
One more point, I am happiest with him when there is zero pressure for sex or kissing. I enjoy hugging him during a film, although some days that can be really difficult to do. I am happiest when we are hanging out doing something fun. But I am always happiest when I am with him compared to when I'm with other people. But the idea of doing anything intimate makes me want to curl up into a ball and hold my head in my hands.
Go to someone who works on trigger points, and have them address your pelvic problem. They don't have to do anything internal, but will be able to release the tension. Once it's released, no more pain.
I suggest you read the book "Vagina" by Naomi Wolf. It's an excellent source of knowledge.
Read the attached link on pelvic floor pain and trigger points.
There's nothing "wrong" with your body. It's just not used to sexual penetration. Try a lubricant like KY and it will make things more comfortable. They even make his and hers lubes for additional stimuli.
Having said that, I don't think you're emotionally ready to have sex. Tense emotions and reluctance to be touched could be your way of saying that to yourself. I have no doubt you love your boyfriend, that's not the issue.
Love doesn't always mean sexual passion. Since you're having thoughts of being lesbian, I think you see your boyfriend not as a sexual partner but more as a good friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It means you might consider he's just not the one for you.
I think you owe yourself and him, basic honesty. It's not fair to either of you to have this sexual pressure bombarding your relationship. Take some time to think about who you are, what you want and who you'd prefer to be with.
You are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be something you aren't. It's ok to love someone but not be sexually attracted to them. What isn't ok is to force yourself to do something you're not comfortable with or make him wait because you just can't be who he needs you to be.
There's nothing "wrong" with your body. It's just not used to sexual penetration. Try a lubricant like KY and it will make things more comfortable. They even make his and hers lubes for additional stimuli.
Actually, there could be something wrong with her body if she's experiencing muscle tightness, making penetration painful.
If that is the issue, no amount of lubricant will help. It will only allow to penis to slide against the tight muscle and facia.
The network involving and around the vagina is complex. It's not just a matter of "greasing it up"
Women who have been having sex for years can develop issues, and not just because of decreased natural lubrication, or even thinning tissue that comes with age.
Sometimes pelvic floor exercises can be too much of a good thing, overly tightening and stiffening the area.
Sex should not be painful, and if it is after repeated occurences, it needs to be investigated, and not just addressed with KY or Astroglide.
Are you enjoying ANY kind of sexual activity with this guy? Necking, Petting, mutual masturbation?
You imply you don’t feel turned on sexually by men, yet you claim you “love” him, so there’s a disconnect here that really is not fair to him - a huge psychological issue that needs to be dealt with, along with the physical.
This might be so much more than vaginismus (painful intercourse) The fear and repulsiveness of the male penis and of penetration may have to do with your experiences in the past.
Have you been in therapy to deal with the abuse you received?
The physical part IMO could be the most direct thing to address first,rather that delviing this not the psyche.
0 Replies
neptuneblue
3
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Sat 26 May, 2018 08:55 am
@chai2,
I agree. But that's only part of the issue for OP.
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Quote:
I also have an issue with him touching me in anyway. I have days where even if he touches my shoulder it makes me tense up. We don't kiss a lot because I find this very difficult. I'm not sure why, I hate that I do. But for some reason my body just tenses up and my mind becomes incredibly stressed. Again I've questioned if this is linked to my sexuality but shouldn't I just know the answer to that?
I don't think this is a physical issue, it's an emotional response from past experiences and confusion about her sexual preference.
May very well be the easiest to solve. Occam’s Razorg and all that.
My belief is solve the issue that can most quickly, effectively and simply be solved first. The relief of that may cause other issues to fall into the realm of the person being able to solve/resolve herself. At the least be more comfortable physically and provide a more secure feeling.
When a bathroom is flooding, the first step to repair is to turn off the water, not replacing all the tile, toilet, sink and tub. The solution may be no more than sitting on a tennis ball to break up fascia. Not going into therapy when other things may resolve when the feel of, and the real pain of sex abates.
Believe me, i’m a big believer in mental health therapy. But first things first.
0 Replies
chai2
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 09:59 am
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:
I agree. But that's only part of the issue
I don't think this is a physical issue, it's an emotional response from past experiences and confusion about her sexual preference.
If the fascia and muscles are bound up, they are unlikely/will not relax unless the physical aspect is addressed. It would be like asking someone with a dowagers hump to “stand up straight”
The physical and mental/emotional intertwining of a person, or any living thing, is real. Physical relief can and does bring about clearer thinking. Mental health therapy isn’t going to make pain go away.
I speak from personal experience. However, it’s not just anecdotal.
Maybe it’s because we’re talking about the vaginia, like we’re not supposed to address it could be as simple as that.
If someone’s feet hurt so bad from ingrown toenails that they were unable to walk a block or stand for more than a few seconds, we wouldn’t be first addressing how they got them when in childhood they were forced to stand/walk in bad situations. We’d tell them to first go to the podiatrist, then see how it goes after that.
0 Replies
apollofenix
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 10:17 am
@neptuneblue,
Thank you for your response. With the very first bit, I have seen a few specialists and unfortunately I am abnormally tight which means when I've tried lubricant in the past it has made very little difference to the pain. However they did suggest dilators to use over the next six months or so.
That been said, it is unfair to make him wait 6 months only for me to realise by the end that even without the physical pain, I still have no desire to have sex with him.
I think you are very right in what you have said in the rest of your reply. I am not emotionally ready to have sex and I do see him as a good friend more than a sexual partner.
I am about to go through a course of therapy to help me resolve a lot of on going issues I have. I'm hoping by the end I will clearly understand myself a lot better and I will be able to answer all these questions I keep asking myself.
I do need to be honest with him, so I will talk with him and let him know that after this therapy I will know if it is just time I need or that I will never change and it is just who I am (such as I am gay or something else maybe (?)). I'm sure he will be willingly to wait and see the outcome as we both really do want this to work out. However I also understand he may not want to wait around, either way I can not control how long this takes me but I am always making every effort to figure out what's going on with me.
Anyway thank you very much I found what you said very useful!
0 Replies
apollofenix
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 10:18 am
@chai2,
Thank you I will look into this
0 Replies
apollofenix
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 10:25 am
@PUNKEY,
No I don't enjoy anything. I do love him however I find it very hard to be sexually attracted to him. I do believe this is mainly due to the amount of stress I have around sex. I also have major issues which has lead to it been very hard letting people get close to me in anyway (especially physically). These are things I am working on and am about to start a lot of therapy to help break down my defensive barriers.
You are correct, it is not fair on him. Which is why I am doing everything I can to resolve this issue in our relationship. We communivate a lot and he knows he has every right to walk away if he can't wait around anymore. However he chooses to stay as he really wanst it to work out (as do I).
By the end of my therapy I should hopefully know if these issues can be resolved wth time or if it is simply who I am and we are just not a good fit. I will talk with him know and make him aware of all this so he has a choice.
I've had an issue with sex since I first tried it. It is very painful for me
sex is much much more than just penetrative intercourse
have you talked to your boyfriend (or other male / female partners) about trying other things sexually. are any of them willing to work with you around other sexual activities that would give you and them pleasure?
if your boyfriend is actually a friend, rather than simply a potential male sexual partner, I would hope that the two of you are able to talk about all of this
__
it could be that he will end up being a friend, long-term, rather than your life partner. there is nothing wrong with that outcome as long as you both communicate on the way to whatever the outcome is
0 Replies
ehBeth
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 10:52 am
@apollofenix,
apollofenix wrote:
But there is this big part of me that would much rather never have sex with a guy again. I am bisexual and the idea of having sex with a girl seems far more enjoyable, and that's nothing to do with my sexuality that is because my body would not be in pain (however I am also in generally more sexually attracted to girls).
keep in mind that sex with women often does mean penetrative intercourse
if you're more attracted to women, the reality is that your current boyfriend should perhaps be your friend while your life partner/s may be women. there's nothing wrong with that outcome
Non penetrative sex can be more appealing. The myth persists that to be a "real" woman, one must enjoy the penetration part. Many more women than one would think actually could take it or leave it. Or at least think penetration is ok, or pleasant, but not the main attraction.
No matter is one is hetero, homo, bi, asexual or any other combination.
So, I'm not going to beat a dead horse here, I simply think the following is really interesting, if one cares to watch.
It belies the idea that the vagina is merely this tube into the body, and to permit painless intercourse, one must simply stretch out that skin.
The system of nerves, muscle, fascia concerning the vaginal is huge. If pain is orignating in any of this area illustrated, it can easily flare pain up to the teeth and down to the toes and everywhere in between. To hear, "use lubricant" is depressing.
To be honest, if there is no pain, and there is understanding, I don't see the problem with someone engaging in intercourse, if it pleases the other person physically and/or emotionally.
It's no different than preparing someone a meal you do not personally enjoy, but are not opposed to, when the other person loves it and loves that you made it for them.
Look at all the fascia and stuff associated with the pelvic floor in this illustration. The poor little vagina, a very small part of it, takes all the blame, and must carry all the burden if something isn't right. FAKE NEWS!
and another take on it. I think the frightened kitten with it's claws out it an excellent analogy.
0 Replies
apollofenix
1
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Sat 26 May, 2018 02:55 pm
@ehBeth,
I guess I meant the idea of been in a relationship with a girl seems more enjoyable and less stressful because I would be able to fully satisfy them sexually without been in pain. I've been in a relationship with a women and if I don't want to be penetrated (which I don't) then that's completely fine and doesn't affected anything too much. But with a guy it is very different, for obvious reasons. Maybe I wasn't clear, I have had sex with a girl and with a guy so I know how I feel about both.
Buy yes, you are right, there is a strong possibility that he should be my friend and that I would be better suited been with a female. I am going to spend really focus on figuring out what I really want and make sure I communicate with him about all this. Thank you for your advice!
At the moment nothing appeals to me, for two main reasons. One been the pressure and stress around sex for the past few months has created this stigma with anything intimate (if that makes sense). The other reason been I haven't been treated well by people in my past, which makes it very hard for new people to get physically close to me. They can eventually but it takes time, I am working on this with a therapist.
But without these two big issues non-penetrative activity would appeal to me
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