Blindsided by MM ending the affair

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I was completely blindsided by the other morning….. MM (well, now former) sent me the following email:

“I have been thinking about this for a long time now, but can’t engage you in this conversation.

It’s not right to you or me to continue this. You deserve a guy who can be there for you. I can’t give you that. I know you feel the same way, but can not bring yourself to ending this.

I really hope you understand that I’m doing this because it is the best thing for the both of us.

I’m asking for now that you not call me because this is going to be hard enough.

Sorry.”

Background: We have been on/off for the past seven years. His W did find out about us before, and we had a brief ending to things. We did have a brief breakup for about six months a few years back, but since then, we were okay.

However, I did have a gut feeling that I was going to get an email eventually from him ending us. I don’t know why. Over the past few days, he has been acting strange—just a little grumpy; but nothing I haven’t seen before. I saw him on Monday and gave him some cookies in my container to take to work (which he still has my container).

Even after W found out about us a few years back, I was the one who ended it, not him. Although we are not Facebook friends (they have a shared account), I am blocked by them (that happened in December).

From what he wrote, I don’t know what he means by “it isn’t right”—like it was right to begin with years ago. Also, the line, “don’t call me for now”—umm… you told me we are through, why would I contact you?

I have a feeling that W found out. When I looked on the email as to when he sent it (I don’t always get the best reception at work), it has my email address, but as for the actual contact name, it is his co-worker/best friend. Afterwards, I looked at other emails he sent me, and it had me listed as the actual contact name.

I am SO besides myself and blindsided by all of this. Over the past few years, he became my confident, my best friend.

I'm hurt.

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[+4] - vikorr - 05/06/2018Your post seems to be about expectations - specifically unrealistic expectations. It is not realistic to expect that a married man will leave his wife for you, as only a very low percentage ever...

@purone,

Your post seems to be about expectations - specifically unrealistic expectations. It is not realistic to expect that a married man will leave his wife for you, as only a very low percentage ever do. Of those that do, most have little trust in their partners (who they view as having a permissive attitude towards cheating), and 90% end within 10 years. Basically the chances of a successful long lasting relationship out of an affair are very, very low.

Most people (the unmarried side) get their heart broken.

Secondly, when you do things that you emotionally believe to be wrong, you confuse yourself. The part of the brain that processes emotions, works separately to the part that processes logic - they can, and often are, at odds with each other. So if you logically justify it to yourself, but emotionally believe it wrong...you end up confused. I use the word 'you', but it applies to 'him' as well. Perhaps from this you can understand why he wrote 'it isn't right'?

My advice would be to stop deceiving yourself about the reality of this situation. Move on.

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@purone,

I;m sorry, that just sucks.

You're going to get responses from a lot of sanctimonious judgemental haters on here. PM me if you want to talk. I;ve been in that same situation and I;m in round 2 of an affair that I thought was over.

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@FlyingZephyr,

It seems our OP didn't get any of those type of replies, so perhaps when you talk about judgemental people...you class yourself in the same category?

In saying that, I am also judgemental, and make no apology for such - it's impossible for human beings to not be judgemental. To me, the only question is:
- whether or not we have the other persons best interests at heart; and
- whether or not we engage in hypocrisy by calling others judgemental (I am yet to see a person call another 'judgemental' who has not been a hypocrite).

I'm don't know that a person in an affair is best placed to advise anyone having difficulties in their own affair:
- each person, and each affair has differences; and
- you (or others similar) usually have vested interests in your posts.

Though if the OP is just after a support group, then that would work.

1 Reply

@vikorr,

Whatevs

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@FlyingZephyr,

The problem is, if we can't face ourselves honestly (I'm including me in that statement), then we can't offer true insight to others, on things that affected us (because we then make dishonest assessments of our situation).

The question then comes back to "Are we just looking for a support group?"

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Blindsided by MM ending the affair

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