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Mon 14 Feb, 2005 10:49 am
Awhile ago, I went through the heartbreak of going through a breakup. It was horrible. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I could stop thinking of her. We were so close before and now, having ended so abruptly, I felt lost and alone with nobody to talk to. Our relationship was a secret to begin with (for various reasons) and since we brokeup, I haven't been able to talk to anyone because nobody knew. It was as if I was the bf that never existed.
It's been almost 2 months since it happened and I would be lying if I said if I were over it. I still think about it over and over again. I was told I didn't have proper closure and that's why I'm still thinking of it. I guess we broke up because we had different personal values. She was always looking to have some fun whereas I was always thinking about the future and putting school and work first. Since then, she's moved on, found new friends to hang out with etc...
My question is: Is it possible to rekindle a friendship that existed prior to us getting together? I still miss her as a friend and sometimes I even regret going out with her because of all the heartache its caused. I really want to be that best friend again that was always there for her but I'm struggling to do that since everytime I see her, my feelings brew again. (I see her every week at church). I miss the old days...
Honestly, that may hurt you more.. It will bring back old feelings and old memories... if you can handle that then I'd say yes it is possible... I was in your shoes once... at first the friendship worked then it made everything worse... I still see him once and a while and everytime I do all my old feeling come rushing back... the only thing about us was we couldn't have a friendship that didn't lead to more, we would always end up becoming physical with each other and then getting attached again and then going through the same process over and over..... I think it hurt me more in the end.... because then jealousy came and that just went and f*cked everything up!!
hmm... I've tried it a few times:
- The first time, he turned out to have no interest in re-establishing a friendship with me, and became a cruel person to be around (he still have negative opinions from our relationship). So, that didn't turn out very happily, and I removed him from my life altogether.
- The second time, it did work, but ONLY because we BOTH never stopped loving each other, so... our "second friendship" stage only lasted a few weeks before we were dating again. Dating again was unavoidable for us >_>
- Someone tried to restart a friendship with me recently. I couldn't do it at all. I'd become so angry and so frustrated with him, that no matter what he said or did, I continually kept remembering what he'd done to hurt me before. I couldn't view him as a good influence in my life, after I had been through that bad experience with him.
HOWEVER, since you still have feelings for her, if she doesn't have feelings for you this is a -bad- situation. Imagine you hanging out with her and her new boyfriend. Doesn't sound nice, does it?
If you choose to be "the friend" again, you run that risk of seeing her go through dating other people. Personally, I would never give myself that kind of heartache. It can be worse to see them happy with someone else, than to simply not have them with you at all.
That's true, but at the same time, we were friends for 3 years prior to this ever happening. Should I give up on that just because we went out? Seems to me that once you become more than friends, there's never a hope of going back to what things once were. Kinda bleak
Unless you're a glutton for punishment, you should avoid all contact with your former love. How can you move forward if you place yourself in situations where your old feelings are constantly in brew mode?
Carrying a torch for someone you can't have is no way to live your life. If you carry that torch, your life will be pathetic. You won't be able let go of the past and and truly embrace real love when it finally presents itself.
Extinquish that torch and move on with your life.
Debra_Law wrote:Unless you're a glutton for punishment, you should avoid all contact with your former love. How can you move forward if you place yourself in situations where your old feelings are constantly in brew mode?
Carrying a torch for someone you can't have is no way to live your life. If you carry that torch, your life will be pathetic. You won't be able let go of the past and and truly embrace real love when it finally presents itself.
Extinquish that torch and move on with your life.
Tough love! That's what i'm begining to like about debra. She just tells it like it is.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I've tried the gentle approach in the past (and still do at times), and it never seems to work! So, I get right to the point which is not always a good attribute.
So in essence, if you want to maintain a friendship, never cross the line and become more than friends?
You can be friends after a relationship... IF your breakup a) is mutual, and b) you DON'T still have romantic feelings for the person.
I believe that your conflict is not in what you did, it's in what you still feel for her.
I do not think that you can (especially at this point in time) be friends. If you are still in love with her, seeing her happy with someone else is going to hurt you. Trust me, I have tried this in the past and it has never worked out.
Save yourself some pain and try to do your best to move on....
Hmm, now I'm really starting to regret dating her. With all that said and done, it's like this is a huge step backwards in our relationship. Not friends, not anything..
Disco wrote:Hmm, now I'm really starting to regret dating her. With all that said and done, it's like this is a huge step backwards in our relationship. Not friends, not anything..
It's like this is a huge step backwards in our relationship? Earth to Disco . . . . she broke up with you. There is NO RELATIONSHIP.
I guess this is one of the big reasons why not to start a relationship in the first place? Now I understand why people are reluctant to start something serious.
It's a hard lesson to learn
You can love everyone in a general way. You can be friends with many. You can have a spiritual relationship with a few. But you cannot have a romantic relationship with just anyone.
Even if you can't have a romantic relationship with someone, that does not mean that you cannot be friends or even have a spiritual relationship with a person.
My best friend is married. It is an entirely spiritual relationship, and neither of us has any intentions on anything more. I am also close friends with her husband too. We all understand each other.
If you are hoping for romance, then forget it. She has already shown her feelings in that direction.
You could ask her if she would still like to be your best friend. If yes, then good. If no, then start cultivating new friendships.
During the break up I said to her something along these lines...
Me: "Do you think there is someone in the world for everyone?"
Her: "Yes, I've always believed that."
Me: "But out of this I know one thing."
Her: "What's that?"
Me: "I found my best friend."
Her: "Aww, now that was sweet."
My inkling is that she wants to still be best friends with me but right now it's really hard. I think time apart will do us both some good in order to keep our feelings in check. I mean if you're not seeing the person everytime how can feelings brew? What do you think?
Disco wrote:During the break up I said to her something along these lines...
Me: "Do you think there is someone in the world for everyone?"
Her: "Yes, I've always believed that."
Me: "But out of this I know one thing."
Her: "What's that?"
Me: "I found my best friend."
Her: "Aww, now that was sweet."
My inkling is that she wants to still be best friends with me but right now it's really hard. I think time apart will do us both some good in order to keep our feelings in check. I mean if you're not seeing the person everytime how can feelings brew? What do you think?
Wellll.....I dunno about your inkling. She never reciprocated with anything that stated that she too had found HER best friend or said anything to encourage the friendship that was once there. Your comment WAS very sweet, but I don't think it necessarily means that she wants the same thing that you do.
Hmm I guess you're right. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I guess the ball's in her court if she wants me to be her friend or not.
What really hurts is since we kept this relationship secret, nobody knows about it, and there's nobody I can really talk to. Bummer huh?
Disco wrote:Hmm I guess you're right. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I guess the ball's in her court if she wants me to be her friend or not.
What really hurts is since we kept this relationship secret, nobody knows about it, and there's nobody I can really talk to. Bummer huh?
Disco, I think you're absolutely right in saying the next move is up to her. Let her decide whether she wants to be friends with you.
I can't help but mention a relationship which has to be kept secret is not NEARLY as desirable as one you can share with everyone. Perhaps, I guess I'm saying, you haven't lost as much as you think.
Why not cultivate some new friends? At least, try to smile at strangers just for the heck of it...
I don't like the whole,"the ball is in her court" thing. You'll probably never get over her, cause you'll be waiting for her to make a decision. Why don't you make a decision for yourself and be in control of the situation instead.
Sorry for all the ranting but I guess I'm still frustrated by the fact that I have to stop caring so deeply for someone I've grown to enjoy spending time with. It's an odd sensation...Too bad I wasn't cold hearted,because it would make things much easier.
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