How do I tell my adult daughter she is making a big mistake by not proceeding w/ her legal career?

I figured my oldest would follow in my footsteps - he was a complete whiz in math and science, sharp as a whip. He was also an extremely gifted violinist. When he said he wanted to focus on classical music, my first response was "you know, there are plenty of engineers who play music on the side." His response was "I don't enjoy doing what you do" and I had no answer to that. My guess is that your daughter is not pursuing law because she doesn't enjoy it. Spending 14 hours a day doing something she loves and making a modest living might be better than spending all day doing something she doesn't love. Give her your love, be proud of what she is, not what you want her to be and when friends and family ask, enthusiastically tell them how much you are enjoying the heavy workouts your daughter is putting you through.

We have to let our kids go once they turn 18. That really is the only answer. She is an adult and makes her own decisions.

My son is very intelligent and should be in college. He decided instead that he wanted to enlist in the Army. He is currently serving in Afghanistan as combat infantry. Of course I am worried about this... but he is happy. He wants this experience and he was excited more than worried when he was told he was being deployed.

I expressed my disappointment one time, just as he was going off to boot camp. I told him "I will say this only once... this is not what I would have chosen for you. I want you to go to college". Then I told him that I am proud of him and that I support him 100%. I had to deal with my feelings and accept that this was his decisions. It is important to me that he feels my support.

Our adults kids make their own decisions. That's kind of the point of being an adult.

I'm sorry for your loss.

As a parent you want the best for your child.

As a child you want the best for yourself.

She doesn't have faith in the system and she doesn't want to walk your path anymore, perhaps she never did, perhaps she did it for you but never knew how to tell you that, due to the money involved that you spent.

I don't know why you feel tortured, she is 25 years of age.

When I turned 25, my whole life changed, my dreams, goals and I was more woman than ever.

She has a condition that it appears no one can put their finger on why, so to her the Gym is what she feels will resolve this. To her what's more important than anything is not to have these spells, to feel alive, healthy, safe.

The hardest thing for you to do is to "listen" to what she is saying, believe in her and be there for her, encouraging her.

She is generally succeeding in her choice of employment, money is tough but the thought of "I have clients" they trust me, is rewarding, just as much as it would have been had she become a Lawyer.

My "friend " of 30 years, is 55 and she is doing a Law Course now.

When and if she is ready, she may persue that again.

She may very well have emotional issues, losing your Father at 19 is tough, but that is also when she needs her Mum the most and I suspect you need your daughter as well. Or, you wouldn't have commenced your post with the loss of your Husband.

She is surviving she is in a career she feels comfortable in and likes. I suspect it will ease any emotional issues, as her body and mind improves and that of her clients.

You stand up for your daughter and her wishes, you tell your family and friends, she is doing extremely well and loving her new chosen career and that of her clients and that you are proud of her, if and when she decides to continue with Law, that will be her call, she is 25 and again, you are proud of her.

What she needs is to know that and breathe again, instead of feeling like a failure, an embarrassment to her family and your friends, when she has the right to be whom she wishes to be and go in what ever direction she wants to .

Very hard to let go, but it's time to let go and be there for her. The moment you do, the bond you two are missing will come back and to me, that's worth more than money or what other people think isn't it?

Widener Law School, class of '86 here.

Quinnipiac University, MS in Interactive Media (social media), class of '16 here, too.

I practiced law for about 3 1/2 years and I hated every single minute of it. I now write and do social media (blogging mainly, but I also manage an FB community) for a living and I love it. I'm 55 and these are some of the happiest years of work I have ever had.

They are also some of the first happy years of work I've ever had.

The point is that we are all different, and what you love is clearly not what she loves. So she's never going to be super-wealthy. Well, lots of people won't. If she can feed, clothe, and shelter herself, without going into massive debt, then she's fine. And if she can't, then circumstances will force her hand. But they won't necessarily force her into practicing law.

A JD is useful for a lot of things, and practicing is only one piece of it. If she decided for more of an office-style job, she's got opportunities, seeing as law school graduates write extremely well and are often very good at public speaking. Both are great in the corporate world. I parlayed my own JD into years in data work before social media degrees actually existed. As a business analyst, I would essentially translate user requirements into what Dev could do, and I would also translate what Dev needed to say into verbiage which upper management could understand. I presented reports to VP and C-suite level management all the time. I can present in front of any size group. Give me a stadium; I don't care. I imagine the same is true of you and it may also be true of her.

So her education isn't being "wasted".

My cousin Rich and I graduated at about the same time, and he never practiced. He's now a photographer, specializing in super-expensive custom cars and car shows. He travels around the world taking pictures of Lamborghinis and the like. He doesn't feel he missed out on practicing. And neither do I.

Another thing he and I have in common is that we were pushed, either subtly or not so subtly, into the law. My undergraduate degree is in Philosophy, so it was felt at the time that I had few options. And that was true - then. It's not true anymore.

Your daughter is doing what she loves. And that's a helluva lot better than her doing something she hates and tearing her hair out in frustration (or getting counseling to cope with stress or suffering other stress-related symptoms; you do know stress can kill you, yes?) just because it's embarrassing to tell your friends that you paid for a legal education that, to your mind, she's not using.

She is using it. Just not in the way that you expected.

As for your friends, if I were you, I would tell them to go scratch if they weren't supportive. It's not their life. It's your daughter's. She's free to live it as she sees fit.

QED

I wonder how the OP would feel if her daughter became an attorney, and within a year had a child and decided to become a full time stay at home mother until her child graduated high school.

In the same vein, what if the OP had a son, not a daughter, and decided to do the same thing?

I'm another person speaking from the vantage point of being expected to follow in a parents footsteps, in this case a family business. One I not only had no interest in, but actively despised. Them letting me know in every way possible I was "making a big mistake", did nothing but estrange me from them, and until the day they were both dead, the rift was never mended.

If you want to drive her away from you emotionally, and even physically, keep telling her that her life desires are a mistake.

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

BTW, based on your previous posts, you might want to concentrate on the big mistakes you have made/are making, rather than what you perceive as mistakes in another.

I am currently single and at peace with it.

Then your daughter needs to be at peace with her decisions and lifestyle.

If I may, you are a Widow, around our age, tad older than some of us, whom has chosen to remain a Widow and happy to do so.

May I say, please do not live through your children and spend all your waking moments doing so, with high expectations.

If you are "torn" between her rights, her love, her decisions and yours, choose hers.

If you are tortured over "anything" please, go and seek help to be happy with all that are in your life and all that they do, your friends are not friends in my opinion if they are making you feel embarrassed or you personally as stated by all, need to let go of the apron string and support your daughter, you have one, and one only, she needs you, you need her, let her be herself.

She's hiding from Life and you know that. All of you had your lives turned in the wrong direction when your husband passed. You have to acknowledge her pain and disappointment with the system.

But as a mother, NEVER acknowledge your disappointment with HER. Allow her to explore different avenues to figure out how her mind can wrap around what happened. Right now, she's angry and wants to fight back. The stint at the gym allows her to work out the aggression and pain by focusing on results. Money is not her motivating factor right now, physical exertion is. You can't compete with that. She wants to keep moving, making progress with every bead of sweat.

There are many different kinds of law studies. Instead of concentrating on how she's not doing what you want, steer her towards the Law in different ways. Maybe Sports contracts, Physical Injury law or Criminal Prosecution of Negligence/Torts can be avenues she might seek.

Right now, be supportive. I know it's hard when you're both hurting. No matter what, she's your kid. What she chooses as a profession should be secondary to who she chooses to come to when she's hurting.

Nobody criminally prosecutes torts as they are under civil law. There is also nothing called "physical injury law". That's basically going to be negligence. Legal studies are defined by the acts, not the injuries. Nobody ever becomes a "wrongful death lawyer", although they can be known for bringing wrongful death cases.

All of the advice/responses you get and this is what you respond with?



Seriously, this is not about you other than your desire to tell your daughter that what she is doing is wrong - and that is wrong.

Support your daughter in her endeavours.

You have noted that there are still mixed dx following her injury. Any one of them is problematic. Do your research and find out how you can help her with her recovery and with her acceptance of her remaining limitations.

Love on your daughter. Focus on what makes her happy. If necessary (and if she is willing) attend counselling with her to learn how you can be a loving mother to the person she is now.

I was giving examples of how to steer back into the Law profession. It sounded much more dignified than "ambulance chaser." As I said, there's many types of lawyers. Picking something that OP's daughter could feel would make a difference for others was my point.

I understand and I respect that. It's just that the terminology is impossible. It's a lot like telling someone to buy a Cadillac at the corner drug store. That's all.