I miss Barbara like hell

Are you referring to the former first lady, Barbara Bush? If that's true? I'm really concerned that you tagged your own post with the keywords Friends and Interpersonal Interaction. Both terms seem confused (if not somewhat delusional).

Take this as a deep and very sincere attempt to help you. From what I read in your posting history (including what I suspect the half dozen of other accounts that may be attributed to you).

This will likely be the most drastic and to me (the MOST NECESSARY ACTION) you NEED to take. I don't know what state (pretty sure you reside in the US) you live in but please have yourself committed under the care of a psychiatric hospital or unit.

I don't believe that you will be dangerous or capable of harming others but I'm afraid for you and the potential for self-harm or self-destruction by carrying on with your current thought processes and actions. I don't think therapy and counseling is working for you? Please don't ignore (and take with the greatest of thought and once again, I will emphasize the sincere nature of my posting here).

Yes. She was a grand lady.