Dishonorable Mention (Vile pun category)
As Reynoldo lit the votive candle at the grotto for San Jose de los Platanos and prayed for the healthy delivery of his first child, he heard a disembodied voice say, "Your daughter will be 17 inches long," to which Reynoldo replied, "do you know the weight, too, San Jose?
Tom O'Leary
Covina CA
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
The day dawned much like any other day, except that the date was different.
Geoff Blackwell
Bundaberg , Queensland
Australia
The thing that goes back and forth inside the old grandfather clock swung like a pendulum.
John Brugliera
W. Lebanon, NH
It was only a leaking pustule, but for Billy the Bacterium it was home.
Barry Nester
Jerusalem
Israel
To her dismay, Julia found that her right hand seemed to be pulling her into an increasingly horizontal position; first her wrist and forearm, then her upper arm and shoulder, until her cheek lay on her shoulder, leaving her to surmise that the handrail of the airport's moving sidewalk progressed at a more rapid pace than the sidewalk itself.
Ann Harper
Phoenix AZ
Her pendulous breasts swung first to the left, then to the right and finally in independent directions, much like semaphore signals, and although he couldn't understand semaphore, Kyle was sure they were saying, "Never ride the Tilt-A-Whirl with your grandma."
Randy Heil
Las Vegas, NV
Kaitlynn looked like a woman who'd been used by more guys than a porta potty at a burrito festival yet I loved her madly even if she wasn't the kind of girl you'd take home to meet mom unless mom was at her monthly garden club meeting and dad was home alone mowing the lawn or cleaning out the garage.
Robert Salsbury
Spokane Valley, WA
Her breath came in short, urgent gasps as beads of sweat slowly coalesced and slipped hesitantly over her lightly-tanned skin, leaving glistening trails down a cleavage that was both feminine and primal while her wide eyes betrayed a mind still struggling to accept that her physical ordeal was over and that she had, in fact, caught the bus.
Ben Connelly
Canberra, Australia
Hey, dag. Very funny and unfunny in the same breath. Most of those examples are similes, so maybe the teach was the breach.(now that's a metaphor)
