Lady Lost in a Tomboy

Pygmalion has a lot to answer for. When men try to change women, they are credited with bringing statues to life. When women try to change men, Medusa-like, they are accused of turning heroes to stone.

1. Suggest you and your local Pygmalion/'enry 'iggens type talk.

2. Establish that you'd rather pick your own clothes--and certainly your own makeup. Does he realize that make up varies according to skin tones and eye color and time of day?

3. Try to find out why he suddently wants a Grande Dame instead of a Tomboy. Methinks had there been a bit more communication, this potential disaster simply wouldn't be looming.

Good luck. Hold your dominion.

Devious_Britches - You certainly have a right to be put out by what your husband did. But don't get sad...............get mad! What he is attempting to do is to make you over into something that you are not.

You need to sit down and have a long, serious talk with him. He knew the kind of person that you were when he married you. He obviously fell in love with that person.

Talk to him about why he is attempting to turn you into something that you are not. See what he has to say. But make it very clear that you cannot and will not change your entire personality to suit HIS idea of what you should be.

Listen, really listen to him. There is something really bothering him, and you need to know why and what. You may be able to bend a little in ways that are not aversive to you, but don't do anything that will make you uncomfortable.

Another question. When I read your thread, the first thing the occurred to me was that your husband was attempting to control you, to mold you into an image that HE wants. Is he controlling in other areas of your life? Think about it.

I don't think your husband is asking too much. He loved you for who you are, but what's wrong with trying something that will make your husband happy. Try telling that you'll wear the dress if he does something he doesn't like for you.

I had a girl who sometimes was too girley. I would tell her that she didn't need to dress up all of the time. In turn she got on my case to dress a little better when we went out. We loved each other so we did it. We didn't change who we were. Every now and then we just did something the other person would appreciate.

Oh, and by the way, DON't let your man pick out your dress and makeup. Trust me, we don't know what we are doing. Pick it out yourself, or go with him or a girlfriend.

hmm lots to think on. As for him being controlling I think I have always been more the controlling one. We are big on comunication it's always been a big part of us but this just through me for a loop. That is what I thought too that, there must be some thing wrong with him. He is 35, don't men go thorugh a lil some thing around that age? As I said as far as I know e have never had issues with not talking but for what ever reason I was just aww struck and wasn't able to react like normally would of. We've been married 14 years and yeah there has been bumps in the road like any relaionship but wasn't expecting this one. He's the kind that doesn't normaly enjoy shopping or going into a store yet he went out and did this. He is not spontanious by any means and poof again this. The more I think about it the madder I get but I know I will not get anywere mad so I just got to get my thoughts straight and let him have it in a calm manner. Wonder how long a guy takes to get through mid life crisis or what ever that is called

ACK!

Run away! Run away!

I too am a tomboy. Thankfully Mr. B digs tomboys so we've never had a problem.

I remember one awful Christmas when I was about 8 and my mom bought me this awful girly dress with strawberries and rick-rack and all kinds of junk on it. I nearly fainted. My two sisters (the girly-girl and the fashion plate) stuffed me into that dress one morning and trotted me off to school.

One of the worst days of my life.

I think your compromise about special occasions is enough. It freaks me out that he would do something like this and I don't even know the guy. If Mr. B pulled some stunt like that he'd be..... he'd be.... he'd be..... wearing a dress and heels.

almach1- DBs husband didn't buy her "a" dress. That would not bother me. He bought her a whole bunch of stuff. He is sending her a message, that he is not happy with her the way that she is. I suspect that is why she is so upset about the whole thing.

LOL Almach. Looking through this stuff i'm thinking you are right. Stuff is umm exposed way to much. And ya gave me a good idea on how to get him to send it all back. I'll just simply say that this stuff is not what I like and maybe we can go out later and pick some stuff i will be more willing to ware. that should buy me some time to find out the real issue here. Cause there is no way I'm waring this floss they call underware lol.

Wow, you've been married since you were 18 + 20?

Could be one of those things people who marry young get into, where they suddenly think how come I have ____ when everyone else (read, people you see on TV or in magazines) has ____. Grass is greener, yadda yadda, because you didn't have time to experience those other things and decide what was and wasn't worth it.

Maybe he's seen one too many makeover shows?

Definitely worth talking about.

My mother used to say that she could not make a lady out of me, nohow.

Exactly. it wasn't just one dress it was a mess of them. If it were just one I would of been like oh that was sweet but 8 was too many. and the size of them umm whare exactly does he think I would ware that? I'm NOT a small woman hunny I got some junk in the trunk and some of these dresses isn't gonna cover it all JLo would blush, Pluss it's COLD still.

hmm, DB, that is indeed odd. he sounds like a good guy though, you may be right about the mid-life crisis or whatnot. talk to him about why he wants you to change now. men, nobody will convince me that they are any easier to understand than women!

I am a tom! COMPLETELY and mr wolf asked me the same thing a few years after we met.
OUR COMPROMISE ( keyword... OUR ehehe) was that I could do a little. He isnt into the frilly fo-fo **** alot of women do. He hates it when women pluck thier eyebrows out only to draw in some... i hate things like that too.
What I did, is i went out and bought some bare essentials. Basically, as you said, make up that you can sweat in. Eyeliner , mascara some eyeshadow. That was it. I try to remember to do that small routine every day.
It takes me about 5 miuntues in the morning. Less actually.. but i am leaving room for mistakes and having to wash it all off.
It made a world of diffrence.
I run around all day with a 11 month old child. Sweat? f-k YEAH.. but i choose make up that doesnt run. I also put it on thin so that if it does come off.. oh well.. i look like i did before.
Clothing was no problem. I told him, if he wants me to wear something diffrent, just take me shopping and I will pick out some respectable attractive clothing.
hehhe.. i love girly clothes though so it was a wonderful excuse to revamp my wardrobe. ;-)

my whole point to my ranting is if you talk, you can find a middle ground. If he imposes, demands and requires, put on the muddy clothes, dont brush you rhair for a week and tell him that is what he will expect from here on out.

I agree with the questions posed on this thread about his ' shopping for you ' behaviors. That is a little wierd. BUT . realize men think simply when it comes to how to solve things. He may no t have intended to be rude, just thought that if he b ought it and it was there for you to use then there would be no questions , no excuses after words. But, i could be wrong in that assumption also.

Devious: This reminds me of my last relationship. I am an ex-tomboy, but still not very "girly". (No makeup, hate shopping, have only a handful of shoes --NO HEELS, value comfort over looks, won't do 100% of the housework, pays 50% of the bills, etc.) My ex's family said I was a "feminist" and I remember getting plenty of comments from people that I'd be sooo pretty if I only wore makeup, soooo sexy if I just showed more skin or wore high-heels, sooo cute if I did such-and-such to my hair, sooo attractive if I only lost some weight. Screw that! It only made me want to be MORE boyish. I started wearing men's clothing and cut my hair really short. Even as a child, I was really un-girly. I refused to wear pink for YEARS as a kid, and only willingly began doing so last year!! Although I'm less tomboyish now, I'm still not girly, but luckily my better half likes that.



I don't think your husband necessarily wants to change who you are, but maybe he thinks that you're looking a bit tired and run down and thinks that encouraging you to dress up would help in that area. He may have just been trying to be helpful and not hurtful, even if that was the end result. Sometimes our guys are a bit clueless (just as we can be a bit clueless with them). Anyway, you guys should have a talk about it. Tell him that you appreciate his fawning over you with all the new clothes and dresses, but that it made you feel bad. Also, explain that dresses come in different SIZES and cuts that flatter different body types, and that selecting makeup is not as easy as picking up nice colors because you have to factor in eye color, skin color, and hair color, as well as what time of day you plan to wear it. And if makeup is just impractical for you, then tell him so! I would hate to wear makeup while chasing after a child! I touch my face so much, it'd smear even if I wasn't sweaty and exhausted. A good waterproof mascara is about the most I'll do, and that's only when I'm going out. If tinted lipgloss counts, I wear that, as well. It takes me less than 5 minutes.

I think you two should try to compromise. You wear more form-fitting, figure-flattering clothes, BUT he also has to dress up a tad, as well. Or maybe do more around the house. Just, don't change for any guy. If you're gonna change, do it for you!

I agree with other folks that an exchange is in order....if you wear these clothes/make-up, he has to do....(fill in the blank). No doubt you can exhange these clothes for things that Actually Fit You, or things you might Really Like, and you can do that together if he prefers.

Personally, if my husband did this, I'd suspect him of having an affair with someone who wore that nasty Floss Underwear. But I'm naturally suspicious. I've never even bought that underwear as it looked Way Too Painful.

I don't wear make-up either, except maybe on a date with my husband. I wore it every day for 17 years as a Corporate Worker Bee and came to really hate it!

He married a tomboy, he loves a tomboy, what's wrong with a tomboy now?

Thank you Boris Kitten...I was thinking the same thing...that behavior would bring on a suspicious outlook on things.

Devious...Theres a compromise to everything, and I see that your willing to do it. Maybe go about it a bit different. First off, his expectations of heels and dresses on a daily basis is unrealistic. I mean...whats he expecting? June Cleaver? I'm a tomboy also..but (lol) one of the girly ones. My nails, hair and makeup are done...then I put on the camo and hit the deer woods. I know..strange, but thats me. I have chased kids with the hot rollers in the hair and make up on. But again, thats just me...I don't feel dressed unless that part of me is done...

My suggestion to you is simple...just leave the dresses and heels in the closet or take them back and buy you clothing that you are comfortable in. They don't have to be dresses, but find simple cut tee's that flatter your figure. A new bra that uplifts...Instead of granny panties, try high cut briefs..paint the toe nails...do the hair and try out a lil make up. Throw on some perfume that makes you feel good. It don't have to be a complete make over. Just a lil girly girl fixin' up'n.

And again, I agree with Borris...he married a tomboy...whats wrong with one now?

Talk to him, dBritches.

Getting mad isn't going to do either of you any good. Guaranteed.

Talk to him. A long time ago I took/gave a course which taught how to (among a ton of other things) how to give negative feedback. The sandwich. Say something positive, get in your negative, then something positive again.

It doesn't apply in every situation but I can imagine it possibly working here.

Something along the lines of "Thanks for the new clothes. I really love that you think about me even when we're not together. This isn't really the kind of clothing that I'm comfortable with, and I'd really like to exchange it for something else. I think it would be great if we could go shopping together and pick some clothes for me together. "

One way or another you need to find out what caused his shopping excursion. Maybe it was something really nice - wanted to give you a treat (coulda asked someone who doesn't really know you for advice. I know I've dealt with the results of that kind of gift-giving). Maybe it's one of those growing up things - he's changing professionally, is hoping you'll be a corporate wife and he just needs to buy you the clothes. Ya need to find out.




People are sometimes just weird about how they say things. <shrug> A guy at work was freaking out yesterday about something his wife said to him the night before. He was really hurt, and getting angry. He wasn't going to go home last night - he was that upset. I talked to him for a while, got him to go home and talk to his wife. He came in today - no, she hadn't meant to hurt his feelings at all. They talked, and he's pretty sure they're going to have a nice weekend.

My dad used to shop for my mom now and then, especially if they were planning a trip.

He knew that she would never spend on herself.

He knew that if he sent her shopping that she would scrimp so he went out and shopped for her.

He always picked out wonderful thing. Beautiful things that my mother loved. Extravagant things that she would have never bought herself.

So in that sense I can see a husband shopping for his wife.

Mr B, the dear, shopped for me once - a pair of red Converse All Stars for Valentine's Day.

Those who know me know that this was monumental.

hamburger's the same way, boomer. mrs. hamburger just isn't a shopper. doesn't really like any part of it. hamburger's good at it, enjoys it, and enjoys treating her to nice things.


dBritches, ya gotta find out what he was thinking. Coulda been plain old, love the woman, wanna get her nice stuff. And whether or not you like it, thank him. Just because the gift wasn't the right one, doesn't mean it was wrong of him to try.

Update!
he said I missunderstood him. He was trying to make me feel better about myself not worse. He thought I was depressed after a visit from his family and finding out that they were coming back to visit again soon. You see they are kind of show offish. He said he wants me to know that I'm just as good as they are if not better and wanted me to not let them get me down. So he went to the store and got all this stuff and when he got there he said it was so overwelming wth all that girl stuff and the girls that worked there made him nervouse so he just kind of grabed anyting to get out of there especialy the underware area. I showed him my post here and the things others said and he said no that si not it at all I love you how you are but I thought you were not happy cause of the way I acted after the last visit. I told him I was sorry if I acted depressed but that wasn't it I was more anoyed by her foo fooish ways. All she ever talks about is her looks and what they own. Not my cup of tea so I just kind of went about what I normally do. Anyhow I told him I would dress up on special ocations but it was not some ting I was confortable with one cause I'm just not and two cause my vision makes it hard to put some of that stuff on. I can do the blush and lip goo but it's hard for me to see my eyes in order to put that other stuff on. Anywho he said he was very sorry and he didn't ever want me to think that he didn't love me. he also said lol that he already went through a midlife crisis and may go through another one as he gets older but not cause of me but cause he is already older than me and soon he will look it and what if he loses his hair. I told him that I was planning on trading him in for two 20's when he turned 40 so not to worry about it lol. Yessss he knows I'm kidding.
So that ends that, alls good in paradice. Well as far as him an I go now Melody's recent behaviour is another story lol.
thanks guys for all your advice. The TomBoy lives. hehe