Emotional abuse of elderly parent.

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After reading other people's harrowing stories I begin to think that I've really nothing to complain about. But I believe I need someone to tell my woes to.
I'll be 77yrs fairly soon and am very disabled. My 41 yr old son is a bully, but not all the time (he does have his "good son" moments). He takes various drugs, mainly marijuana and admitted to using 'ice' and anything else he can get hold of.
He has been "unpleasant" for years and I have had to suffer it alone (no one to off-load to)
Then I started visiting a local "domestic violence councillor" and was advised to get an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order) out on him. For the last few years I resisted. Eventually that proverbial straw that broke the camel's back happened and I called the police for help. One thing led to another and the AVO was taken out. That caused him to stop being emotionally abusive to me. Then he had another "bad turn" and breached the AVO, was arrested and spent 1 night and 1 day in jail.
Things became calm, just the way I'd always wanted it to be. He had to attend Court and the results of that was he now has to pay over $1,000 in fines and Court costs. He has no money. He hasn't worked in over 5 years. I give him free accommodation, feed him etc. When he asks for money I have to give it to him. $50 here, $50 there, once or twice a week.
So I am going to have to pay for all the fines etc and all because I called the police and took an AVO out on him.
I did nothing wrong, he did everything wrong.
All I want in my last few years on Earth is to live in peace and quiet and not be harassed by my out-of-work 41 yr old son. He tries to make out it is all my fault but he is not specific. I said more than once "if I knew what it was that I was doing wrong then PLEASE tell me so that I will know not to do it again".
I can't throw him out. I've always been prepared to feed him, house him and give him some money to buy cigarettes or tobacco.
If I had known the full consequences of geting the AVO out on him I probably would not have gone that far despite the fact that he really deserved it.
I am so confused. He has become completely unemployable. He says he cannot get a job 'for want of trying'. BUT he really does not want to try, does not want to work. He is incapable of being told what to do, does not like being told what to do.
I don't know what the future holds (for me). All I can see is that I am being punished even more so and am beginning to think that my life is really not worth living. My little dog is all that sustains me now and he would fret badly without me so I'm hanging on for his sake. I really have nothing else left to live for.
THEN I read about other people's problems and can see how much worse off they are and how hard they are striving and coping. There just has to be some light at the end of this very dark tunnel.
Sorry for being such a drag.

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Type: Question • Score: 7 • Views: 1,023 • Replies: 10

@drillersmum85,

Thank you for reaching out. You've done nothing wrong, beyond enabling him for over 4 decades.

Time to stop doing that. What are the consequences of his court costs not being paid? Are any of your assets seized, or does he go back to jail? Because if it's the latter, don't pay a cent. Let him figure out how to pay it. Funny how he'll suddenly get motivated to look for work if it means he'll be incarcerated again if he doesn't pay up.

If it will attach to your assets, then talk to a solicitor about how to set it up as a loan for him, with interest and a contract and everything. This may involve creating some sort of trust (I don't know the law in your country). See if it can be framed as something he has to pay back, and not an out and out gift.

You might do well to put your funds in a trust for yourself, by the way. At least here in the states, it can be arranged so that the trustee (often a lawyer) doles out a specific allowance-type amount of cash unless there's an emergency or the beneficiary can show a need (say, they want to buy a car and they need one).

This would prevent the $50 here and there which has been going on forever. You'd both have to budget. And your son could direct his anger at the trustee rather than you (and the trustee has probably heard it all before. Emotional appeals certainly aren't going to work with him or her, and they probably won't stand on ceremony if it means calling the cops on your son if he becomes abusive).

You could potentially even have the trust (it's really all in the wording of the agreement) handle your basic bills. This would result in having even less discretionary cash around as the trustee would pay your gas bill, insurance, taxes, mortgage if you have one, etc. Even if everything with your son was perfect, it would probably be a decent idea to consider, to make sure your finances are in order so it would be one less thing for you to have to deal with.

You would probably be left with just having to pay for/handle groceries and clothing expenses, plus entertainment and a little mad money. You'd be less tempted to give into your son's demands and you wouldn't be able to enable him quite so much, anyway.

In the meantime, hang in there, and maybe talk to your doctor if you're feeling hopeless. Your little dog loves you, and there are people who care. I am so, so sorry this is happening. This isn't what you signed on for, I'm sure.

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I’d like to suggest that you contact your local senior citizen’s center or largest church to find out their outreach services. You need someone in your home to see what’s going on and to check on you.

This sounds like this situation has been going on for some time. And his behavior is escalating. This is all so unfair to you.

Has he ever been diagnosed with anything? If he is disabled, he can draw his own money. It’s unfair that you have to totally support him.

Please bring in some outside help to this situation. And yes, set up your finances so that he can’t drain you. If you feel you must give him a weekly allowance, then stick to it and cut off all additional funds if he can’t be responsible.

But you really need to get some help with this situaion ...

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@drillersmum85,

drillersmum85 wrote:

I did nothing wrong, he did everything wrong.

If you did nothing wrong, then what's the Guilt for? Protecting a grown man isn't helpful, it's smothering. You've allowed the dynamics of the savior to continue for far too long.

If you need additional help, seek out social services that specialize in elderly care. Meals On Wheels, Visiting Nurses or Companion Services all can lessen the burden you place on your son. Maybe consider a full care facility. Most of that can be paid through MediCare.

What that allows you to do is kick your kid to the curb. He needs to learn self reliance. Or not. At 41, he isn't YOUR problem any more. It's all on him.

I know you love your son. Now love him enough to tell him "no."

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue wrote:

drillersmum85 wrote:

If you need additional help, seek out social services that specialize in elderly care. Meals On Wheels, Visiting Nurses or Companion Services all can lessen the burden you place on your son. Maybe consider a full care facility. Most of that can be paid through MediCare.

Did you even read the opening post? And what's this about Medicare?

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@roger,

Of course I read the opening post.

A widower depends on his son for care. The son takes advantage of pops open wallet. Close the wallet to the son, open it alternative care.

Unless you'd care to step in and take over...

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@neptuneblue,

WidowER?

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@drillersmum85,

Hi Drillersmum.

My Mum is your age, so this breaks my heart.

You don't deserve to be emotionally abused and I am so happy you have a dog, I have two little ones myself, when I am down a bit, due to work load they just bring me back up, the love is so unconditional isn't it.

I just want to say, that whether he is your son or not, you need to live the rest of your life happy. So the AVO was suggested to you, I understand you didn't know the full effect of it, but it was in my opinion, suggested to you for a reason, so you can breathe, not be abused, enjoy your life, so please, please, get rid of that guilt.

This World can be carp can't it, drugs people thing eases loneliness, money issues, all sorts of things but it doesn't. He has to find his way.. It's not your responsibility anymore as he's stubborn and you need a break.

We have the children, we do everything we can, but when they mature, they will go their own way. Remember his youth and the good times and just remind yourself that as an Adult they will become who they want, and in that, if that does not fit how you live, you don't have to live it.

I commend you for wanting the peace you so much, so much deserve, so again please don't be upset about the AVO, you did what is best for you and the right thing for you.

I hope you have sisters ,brothers, nieces, people, best friends, call them, just for a chat, talk about life, things you love, you have a lot of love to give and need it in return.

I also hope you come back, and chat with us, strangely enough, people on this Forum very, much become family. And, I would love to be there for you as I know others here would too, even to simply talk to us daily about your day.

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@FOUND SOUL,

Sure glad you could drop in on this. I really couldn't think of anything helpful, and at least the two of you are from the same country - even if it is a large one.

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I used to work at an outreach center. People would come in for free food and clothing. I can’t tell you how many time I saw the OP’s situation: disabled or elderly parent with a no- good adult child in the parent’s home, bullying the parent financially and emotionally. The parent has SS benefit, the child brings nothing to the situation and both of them live off this one income. There’s usually drug or gambling or credit card issues from the child. Very sad. Very entrenched dysfunctional situation.

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@roger,

Would love to be there for her, "you" as an Aussie to an Aussie then, you can count on it, via PM or here .

Thanks Roger, I know of many times reading things that are happening in the USA, and I have no idea what to say, as we sure are all different in the way in which services are offered.

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Emotional abuse of elderly parent.

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