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Marriage – how long and how’s it been?

 
 
husker
 
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 10:01 pm
Marriage - how long and how's it been?
How long have you been married?
How's it been, is it what you expected?
Are you hopelessly in love or is it on the rocks?
If you are on a greater than first experience or not married any longer,
what words of wisdom do you have?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 3,188 • Replies: 38
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 10:26 pm
10+ years together, 6+ years married. Not too far from what I expected; a little better, if anything. I've been pretty lucky. Always peace and harmony? No. But pretty damn good. (Knock on wood.)

Words of wisdom... hmm. Look for root causes rather than getting caught up in pettiness.
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 10:41 pm
I'm still single after all these years. I guess I just haven't found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with.
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Booman
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 10:50 pm
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Shocked Evil or Very Mad Crying or Very sad
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LarryBS
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 11:06 pm
Never married. Not that I didn't want to, and "not that there's anything wrong with that," but its getting late and I'm starting to get worried. Confused
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 11:21 pm
If those are years, I gotta worry about next year, eh, Booman? I was hoping the 7-year-itch thing only refers to the length of time you've been together, or at least living together... (Hubby and I have been living together for 9 years.)
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maxsdadeo
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 11:31 pm
Seven years, and if I don't do anything stupid, and she doesn't kill me, it will be for life.

Rolling Eyes
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Tim King
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 11:33 pm
20 years together and will celebrate 15 years of occasional wedded bliss in April. It's been hard as often as its been easy but there are no regrets. As for what I've learned, here some things:

"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." This is especially true in marriage, where it is so easy to take one another for granted.

Opposites attract? For awhile, but it won't last.

No one can come before your spouse. Not your parents, your siblings, your best friend, your boss or even your children. No one. But if you find the right spouse, that won't be a problem.

Everyone needs time alone. It's sanity, not rejection.

There is no "mine". There is only "ours". If you have separate accounts, you don't have a marriage, you have a contract.

If you can make a long distance relationship work, you're not in love enough.

If your spouse is talking to you, stop what you're doing and listen. Really listen. If you hear yourself say "when is this going to be over?" you're not listening.
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gezzy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Feb, 2003 11:56 pm
That's very sweet Tim. It's so nice to hear that :-)
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Booman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 12:16 am
Sozobe,
...Yep, those are years. I was right where Larry was once, and I settled, or got impatient,and fooled myself. So don't predict by me. :wink:
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jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 09:12 am
In December, we'll be together 15 years. In May, we'll be married for 11 of those.

It's not always easy, but we find that we click together better now than we ever have. The other day, Mr. Jespah came home from work and was dead tired. So I started cooking - what do you want to eat? Can I get you something else? Here, let me do that for you. He appreciated that, and told me so. Last month, I was flat on my back with a bad cold - that time, he was running up and down the stairs - here, I made you some soup. Hang on, I'll get you another box of tissues. I'll go to the pharmacy and pick up some more cough syrup - what flavor cough drops do you want? etc. I appreciated that, and told him so.

I think it's the golden rule, to a large extent. If you want to be cared for, care for someone else. If you want to be treated well, do the same for the other person. When we make dinner, it's a dance of wordless communication, e. g. he hands me the sauce pan, I turn up the flame, he hands me the chicken, I stir it into the sauce, he hands me a plate, I put the food on it, I grab the dirty dishes from the table, he washes them, I take out the tupperware, he puts the food away, etc. We don't have specified chores but this is so logical and easy that we do it without thinking or even talking. The same with every other chore, from food shopping to cleaning to home repairs. It's not rocket science, it's just knowing what you want, figuring that the other person wants it as well, and then doing it because it will benefit both of you.
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sozobe
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 09:15 am
Good stuff, Tim. I gotta disagree with this one, though:

Tim King wrote:
Not your parents, your siblings, your best friend, your boss or even your children. No one.


Parents, siblings, best friend, boss... check. But putting your spouse in front of your child? Not gonna happen, and I don't think it should happen, at least when they are small.
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dream2020
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 09:29 am
We've been married for 12 years, the second time for both of us. We had some rough years, because in temperament we're pretty much the opposite. Fortunately I've learned that the real reasons we married, what we really saw in each other, goes deeper than temperament. We've learned to appreciate the way we balance each other, and respect what the other has to offer. It hasn't been easy but I find that now I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.
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urs53
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 10:21 am
Almost six years. Six very good years! The only thing that is tough from time to time is that we do not have a lot of time together because of BigDice's work. But when we are together we enjoy it all the more.

I agree with Tim. Don't know about the child thing, sozobe.
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Tim King
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 11:26 am
Sozobe, I hesitated on the "children" part but as I also said, with the right spouse, it shouldn't be a problem. My wife places her needs behind those of our children with almost total consistency and I try to do the same. I think almost all good parents do. But when the lovely Mrs. King really needs my time and support, she gets it, even if it conflicts with something I need or want to do for the kids. She doesn't ask for much and she doesn't ask often, so when she does, I know it's important. The children can be patient for awhile.
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dream2020
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 11:51 am
We only have one child, but there was never a question of whose needs came first. Taking care of our daughter first is just a primal instinct. My husband and I have managed to work things out so that we balance the needs of Little Dream with our own needs. Staying married through rough spots and figuring out how to raise a well-adjusted child has taught us both a lot.
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Booman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 03:56 pm
Tim,
...Your tips on marriage are quite true. The part about children is more profound if there are grown, are almost grown step-children. In fact........ NOW YOU TELL ME!! Evil or Very Mad ........Oh, excuse me for shouting. Embarrassed
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boomerang
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 04:26 pm
We've been married for 12 years, lived together for 6 years before that and dated for 2 years before that. In just a few more years our time together will equal half our lives.

We still get along terrifically. I don't think we have any secret recipie but the things I think keep everything working is that we encourage each other in pursing our individual interests, we keep our lives simple and live well within our means and, with the exception of out of town trips, we have dinner together every single night.
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Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 04:30 pm
Never been married, never will. It's not my bag baby!
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Heeven
 
  1  
Reply Mon 24 Feb, 2003 04:31 pm
Hi boomer, long time no see!
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