Obese sex and self-confidence

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I’ve been dating this guy for a few months and he’s really great but our sex life is... eh. I think it’s my fault. The thing is, he’s REALLY experienced and I was a virgin before him. That might sound prude-ish because I’m 24 but no, I’m a total freak, it just hadn’t happened because I’m shy. But anyway, with him I just don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve literally no idea if anything I’m doing is right. But I do really try. But I feel like he just doesn’t want me. I’m always the one that initiates it. And I give him blowjobs for days man but he hasn’t even touched my sweet spot. Not even a finger. It’s been months and he won’t just... touch me. I’m on top like 98% of the time which is fine I guess but I just feel so unwanted. And I know he’s a freak I just feel like he’s not one with me. Today he told me over text that we need to have sex more and that I need to be more open with him/less self-conscious but I don’t know how to be better. I usually just leave my shirt on because I dunno. I feel like he’s not all that physically attracted to me because I’m really obese and just honestly kind of gross (I’m not being self-deprecating here, I’m just being straight forward. I have so much flab and lumps and marks) so I don’t want to subject him to that. He’s even told me he wants me to lose weight before (kindly, not in an abusive way, because yes I really do need to lose weight, it’s unhealthy). But if he told me to take my shirt off or even just took it off of me himself I’d be down. Any time. We’ve only done doggy style once a few months ago but he went soft so we had to stop and I was over here assuming it’s because he was disgusted with me but today he brought up that we can never do doggy style because I seem self conscious (i never said no at all to it) so I’m stuck here wondering if he’s just unattracted to me physically or he just thinks the way I’m behaving is unattractive. The thing is... if he would just tell me he wanted it I’d do anything. Literally anything. And I’d love it. And I’ve told him this. I told him he just needs to take what he wants. But it’s not working. He doesn’t take me so I just assume he doesn’t actually want me. And other than this, our relationship is perfect. We really are perfect for each other. So I really want to figure this out and make it better. So even though I feel gross and I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, I know I need to essentially just take him and do all the work because this dude’s just not gonna get it that he’s supposed to push and encourage me. I’m thinking I just need to jump off that cliff and dive right in for it to improve our sex life. I hold back because I feel like if I go all in he’ll be grossed out and he holds back because he thinks I’ll be too self-conscious to do things. I’d totally do them I just need a push. I need advice on how to do this and encouragement. Please give me a shred of wisdom on this. Anything really.

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 1,495 • Replies: 5

[+3] - jespah - 03/21/2018No texting. Face to face. But not while naked or in public (of course!). Just sit down and have a conversation. My husband has seen me weigh from 145 to 326. No lie, no exaggeration....

Tell him what you just told us.

If you can tell complete strangers TMI about your sex life, you can surely tell the person you're having sex with.

Not saying this will make you more compatible, but you need to take the letter to the right address.

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@chai2,

I did tell him. I sent him a text saying almost verbatim what this post says. He just doesn’t get it I guess.

1 Reply

@cl-84,

Quote:

Today he told me over text that we need to have sex more and that I need to be more open with him/less self-conscious but I don’t know how to be better.

This statement sounds to me like he is physically attracted to you. It also sounds to me like he would be turned on if you were less self-conscious about yourself. Have you ever heard the term BBW (Big Beautiful Women)? Have you ever heard the term SSBBW (Supersize Big Beautiful Women)? BBW and SSBBW are actually sexual fetishes. What you might see as gross, he might see as sexy. Maybe he just wishes you would see and embrace the physical sexual beauty that he sees in you.

This is only a speculation on my part. I am basing everything from the information you provided in your post. My assessment of your situation may be right. I also might be wrong.

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@cl-84,

No texting. Face to face. But not while naked or in public (of course!). Just sit down and have a conversation.

My husband has seen me weigh from 145 to 326. No lie, no exaggeration.

Communication is key in everything, yes? So talk, and tell him you would like for him to be more assertive.

And consider becoming more assertive yourself. He may love, love, love that and be waiting for you to make those initial moves.

Also - a suggestion - Google plus-sized lingerie. Find something that you love that makes you feel beautiful. I assure you, it is out there. Own it, wear it, and love your wonderful self.

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@cl-84,

cl-84 wrote:

I know I need to essentially just take him and do all the work because this dude’s just not gonna get it that he’s supposed to push and encourage me.

Tell me why you think it's his job to take control of YOUR sexuality? This has nothing to do with your weight and everything to do with how you view your role as a woman.

cl-84 wrote:

The thing is... if he would just tell me he wanted it I’d do anything. Literally anything. And I’d love it. And I’ve told him this. I told him he just needs to take what he wants.

Anything? Like literally anything? Have you really thought about that? What happens if you feel what he wants you to do is dangerous or demeaning? Would you still do it?

Slow down for a minute. You tossed aside your virginity and there's no thoughts or feelings associated with that. It seems like you were in a big hurry to lose it but you lost some of yourself as well. Was the experience everything you wanted it to be? Did you feel a closeness afterwards? Is there any questions (female type) you may have that can help? Did you use any birth control? Did he?

Going forward, do you feel sex is the most important aspect of a relationship? Do you feel sex should be a mutually pleasurable expression of love? Has exclusivity been discussed? Do you feel he's just using you for sex?

You're asking someone else to tell you who you are, what to do and how it's going to be for you. The truth is, you don't know who you are yet. Only YOU get to decide those things.

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Obese sex and self-confidence

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