I hate myself

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In the beginning when he met me everything was great. I had learned to love myself a few years before having met him. But he had lied to me about having been deployed (didn’t even finish boot camp) and had an in-depth lie about a relationship he had (turns out didn’t have) so I questioned what other elaborate lies he comes up with. He would spy on me while I was at work (his last gf cheated multiple times). I never gave him a reason to worry, he would blow things out of proportion, if a guy even spoke to me he would accuse me of hanging around him. This was just a year in. I started drinking heavily to the point you could say I was an alcoholic. I pushed him away, in my drunken states telling him I hated him. He saw me in a disgusting light. About close to the second year we stoped having sex, he’d watch a lot of porn. My drinking continued.

Because all his accusations, lies and lack of intimacy I began just talking to someone. He found out. I haven’t done anything since but he still holds it over my head. He quit his job in 2016 and now it’s been a year and 6 months I’ve been paying his bills with just a shitty part time job.

It’s now 3rs 6months in. I’ve quit drinking. I hate myself. He hasn’t tried to make me cum in almost 2 years. He still watches porn. If we do get sexual, it’s usually hand jobs and blowjobs in the dark before bed.. he won’t touch me in ways to make me feel good.. I’ve brought up my frustration.. he just tells me to leave, find someone better.. offered to get me a dildo... no matter how many times I tell him I just want him to make me feel good.. he says the alcohol is what turned him off before.. but what’s the excuse now that I haven’t been drinking? My new, resurfaced insecurities?

He plays games. He puts a lot of time and energy in making/modding games so the female characters are sexy. I’ve told him how that makes me feel like **** considering he’s told me I wear the same stuff and that he has to find sexy somewhere. I’ve told him we’re broke, I can’t afford sexy clothes when I’m trying to keep us afloat financially with my **** job.. He showed excitement when telling me about wearing wigs (look up Lolita wigs, he likes a lot of those) and getting thongs, so I got a wig.. and thongs.. in hopes things will get better. (Wig hasn’t arrived yet) It’s hard to wear the thongs because I usually work 4-5 days a week and we live with his grandpa so I can’t walk around in it.

I love him, we have the same ideals on many things and both want to homestead and be self sufficient, get away from society (I do, but he still wants his internet and video games) but I fear the intimacy part will never change. It’s all my fault for having pushed him away... I hate myself more than ever... last Aug I tried committing suicide when I was living with my parents (they’re a whole other fucked up story) now everyone ******* treats me different, god knows what they think of me now. My bf told me he would be supportive but on the inside he is furious.

Most days I feel like ****. I wake up and try to get a moment alone. (We spend almost every minute together except when I’m at work or sleep) If he sees me upset he tells me not to be sad, not to hate him. He will fondle my breasts and grope my butt but doesn’t get a hard on when I’m naked. But then will have a boner when I get home from work and have me blow him, just for hardly any cum to come out and him just pass out afterwards, leaving me frustrated and heart broken. At work, customers will tell me they like my dimples, that I’m pretty or even ask for my number to which I smile and politely decline. But THEY make me feel good when they do that. And that’s the only time I feel that way... I feel like ******* **** around my boyfriend... and it’s all my dumbass alcoholic problematic fault.. and I don’t have anyone but him..

Like I said, I love him. We can have a great time together like good ol pals but when it comes to sex/intimacy.. I give and I give but never receive anything in return.. I hate myself for the things I’ve done to hurt and push him away..

I feel like I’m just ranting at this point..

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 1,692 • Replies: 4

@GrandCosmos,

Hating yourself won't do you any good.

You say you get along a great deal of the time; however, intimacy is almost nonexistent. Okay, try being friends, but without sex. Think carefully about even being friends - he has lied to you and criticized you and been controlling (when he learned you had talked to another person) and has spied on you!

Find someone new who you are compatible with and can have a sexual relationship with which provides for your needs. Someone who truly loves you entirely. In other words, it's time to move on from this guy. He doesn't pay the bills, you do everything, now do something for yourself - leave him alone there with his grandfather. Until that happens it's unlikely you'll get to a better and happier place in life. You deserve better.

Seek counseling, make some friends, you at worth it. You stopped getting drunk, this shows you care about yourself, now move forward.

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@GrandCosmos,

He's a lazy, selfish son of a bitch who is probably verbally and/or emotionally abusing you.

You have no reason to stay. Yes, I realize you're poor. You're also supporting a freeloader who hasn't done **** to help the household for a year and a half and even insists on you buying stuff you don't need.

I realize you are (probably) living for free or near that at his grandfather's. That's the only economizing move I'm seeing here. So you'll need to find another place to live which won't cost you an arm and a leg. Consider a roommate (or two) or contact your family if they are around and aren't abusive. Or good friends. Maybe they can give you a place for at least a while, or some cash to help tide you over. Save your pennies, don't buy the crap he wants you to buy, and open a separate bank account for your spare change or if you get tips from work, or if you can make any extra money by selling crafts or something like that, separate from your job.

There is no reason to stay.

None.

You are not doing your future self any favors by hanging around.

You claim to love him; you also claim to hate yourself. Those things don't go together.

People who love us don't make us hate ourselves.

He's bad for you, and deep down, you know it.

Get while the getting's good, before the abuse potentially turns physical, or you get pregnant from your rare sex with him. Don't still be doing this when you turn 30,40, 50, and beyond.

Life doesn't have to be this way.

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No way are you going to get emotionally healthy if you stay with this guy. He is toxic to your self esteem.

Do you attend AA and have a female sponsor? Sometimes that helps to deal with the " stinkin' thinkin' " that makes recovering people feel depressed and not able to see situations clearly.

In any case, he's not good for you. I wonder why you feel you "love" a person who drags you down, but this may be your co- dependency flaring up - the same kind of addiction you had for alcohol.

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@GrandCosmos,

I'm not sure why we stay with someone that gives us "nothing" and yet, we say "but I love him".

I personally think that you love the idea of being in love, who doesn't?

"I feel used". Should have been your heading, if you hate yourself, "strong word and you don't really", you taught your self to love yourself remember? Then you are using this heading as you are angry at the knowledge that you are being used and you aren't doing anything about it.

Whether or not, his ex cheating on him has created a massive issue for him, I don't know. But, he "now" watches Porn, has you buying things that arouses him, like porn, has you doing things that he sees on the Internet " like porn" and yet, apart from that you get zilch. Porn can make a person not be able to have sex, because they watch it too much, cum too much, not much left to give out, yet it sometimes is just a release, not sexual at all.

Unless he gets a job
Quits watching Porn
Respects you

What is there to love?

Every time you go to work, you are going, to pay for his next meal, a place for him to put his head.

It's 2018 don't let another year pass.

Accept that you "love yourself" again because you deserve it and walk away from this so you can actually say truthfully " I am in love" both with yourself and the next person who walks into your life and treats you respectfully and with love.

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I hate myself

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