I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or not and it’s driving me crazy

Reply Sat 24 Feb, 2018 02:55 pm
Hi everybody. I’m not quite sure what I’m looking to get out of this but this has been running through my mind for awhile and I don’t have many I can talk to about this so here I am.

So I’m a 20 year old girl who pretty much has no dating experience with anybody. I’m a pretty shy/reserved person so I’ve always had a tough time when it came to dating and guys in general. Although I’m 20, I’ve never had a boyfriend. I don’t get asked out a lot. Guys never show interest in me. I’ve hooked up with a few random guys but that’s about it. Guys don’t particularly like me, and never pay attention to me but I just assumed it’s because I’m not the skinniest or the prettiest. I’ve always been interested in guys I guess, and always pictured myself having a husband and kids... etc I’ve always assumed I’m straight because that’s just how it is I guess.

But there has always been a running thought in the back of my mind telling me that maybe I don’t like guys and I could be gay. But then another part of me is like no way. It’s exhausting going back and forth.
I’ve been questioning my sexuality a lot and it’s driving me bananas. I feel like since I’m questioning and thinking about it so much I must be gay.. right?

I haven’t hooked up with a lot of guys, but the ones I have hooked up with, I’ve just felt zero connection and sort of space out during sex. Idk I assumed sex would be this great thing and after I have sex with a guy I’ll definitely figure out if I’m straight or not. But im just more confused. I’ve definitely looked at girls and acknowledged if they’re attractive but I’ve never had any kind of experience with girls besides friendships.

I don’t think I dress like a lesbian. My style is very comfy/casual yet cute sometimes . I also feel like some things have said around my friends have slipped out hinting if Im a lesbian but that could be just me being paranoid.

I’m just out here trying to figure out my sexual identity and it’s honestly exhausting. Has anyone else been through this? How did you figure it out?
Reply Sat 24 Feb, 2018 04:39 pm
You could be ace, you know.

Or maybe you haven't met a man or woman who interests you.

Or maybe you're bi or ....

Does a label absolutely, positively matter?

Let's say you are a lesbian. Okay, fine. You seem to be of the opinion that this means you need to dress a certain way. That's not how it works. That's not how any of this works.

But let's start with the basics.

You have randomly hooked up with some guys and had sex with them ... and then you wonder why you don't feel anything? Why would you feel something for someone you don't know at all? Magical penises do not suddenly make you feel things if there is nothing else there. I'm not saying you can't have fun and, yes, people of all genders and sexualities can have sex with no commitment and even have a rollicking good time doing so.

But you're apparently not one of those people.

No biggie.

Here's an idea.

Spend time with people of all stripes. Male, female. Gay, straight, bi, trans, ace. White, black. Old, young. Single, married, committed relationship, etc.

That is, have a social life. It doesn't have to be parties and alcohol. A social life can be getting together with friends to play table top games or go to the movies or hiking or whatever floats your social circle's particular boat. And you can (and should, I might add) hang with more than one kind of social circle. One group might be into reading, another into running. Both are perfectly valid groups and membership in one doesn't cancel the other one out. These are not mutually exclusive interests.

And ... get to know people. Not just as potential sex partners, but as friends as well. Give this a few months - 3 at the absolute minimum, I'd say, and at least 3 - 5 get-togethers at minimum. Getting to know a person is not an overnight thing.

Then, when you find someone you like, regardless of gender or what you or they are wearing or anything like that, ask them to go for a coffee or a soda. Something light, nonalcoholic, preferably during the day. Be the one who pays (the person who does the inviting does the paying). One on one, and talk and laugh and hang out together. This is not Netflix and chill. This is Starbucks and talking about rug hooking or thrash metal or philosophy or art or whatever it is you want to talk about.

When that coffee or soda is done, if you enjoyed yourself, say so. And ask, "Can we make next time a real date?"

And see what happens. Maybe they say, "Sure!" Or maybe they say, "Sorry, I'm seeing someone." Or, "Sorry, this is not my sexuality." Or, "Sorry, I don't feel that way about you." Let them off the hook for any or all of those potential rejections, because they do happen. But this is someone who you have gotten to know and they are your friend. That means the last thing they want to do is hurt you.

If you succeed with asking this person out, awesome. If you don't succeed, then stay friends and jump right on back into the socializing pool. Also, there is nothing wrong with asking someone you struck out with if they know someone.

It's 2018, not 1958. You can ask out anyone you want to, so don't sit and wait for it to happen. Make it happen! But make it happen the right way and you'll feel better about all of it. Plus you'll become empowered along the way, which is awesome and sexy and it will thrill whoever you find yourself with, regardless of the look of their wedding tackle.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2018 03:42 am
If you are deeply attracted to someone, you'll know it, regardless of gender.

Have you had a crush on someone before? If you have crushes on people of a given gender, then that's the gender that you are attracted to.
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Reply Sun 25 Feb, 2018 10:22 am
You have not had satisfying relationships with men, but you have to recognize that you had a part in that. Mainly, your choice of men.

So don't throw them all out with the bath water!

As suggested before, more interactions with a lot of different people helps us define ourselves and open up ideas in terms of sexual preferences.
0 Replies

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