Relationships where one person is WAY more attractive.

Re: Relationships where one person is WAY more attractive.


I think I understand what you are saying. I just think that if either partner in a relationship cheats.....it's not because of their good looks and they can't handle the temptations derived from all the attention they are getting.

They either have their own self esteem problems and are needing the attention. Or they have a different concept of "love" than what I do. (if that makes sense)

DestinysDad- Your problem is not that your wife is much more attractive than you, but that she is seeking out responses from other men. From your other post, I gather that, for whatever reason, your wife needs the approval, (and maybe more) from many men.

A secure woman, no matter how attractive, does not need to get these responses from men. Years ago, I double dated with another couple. The other guy told me that his date was a nude figure model. She was often hired by famous artists to pose for them to paint. He said that she had the most exquisite body that he ever saw. .

Well, you would never know it by the way she was dressed. She had on a knit suit that was a couple of sizes too big for her, so I could not tell what her figure was like. You could see that she was a lovely woman, but she wore little makeup to accentuate that beauty. She was a charming and intelligent woman, and a wonderful conversationalist

The point that I am making, is that some insecure women, if they are beautiful, attempt to accentuate that beauty excessively, in order to achieve responses from men. Often, the beauty is the way that they define themselves. In my experience over the years, I find that women who "trade" on their beauty alone, are often deficient in other areas of life, such as charm and intellect. They use their looks as a ticket to get what they want from men, because they know that some men are attracted to a beautiful woman, even if that is one of her few redeeming qualities.

Some good observations. It's sad that some people learn early on that they can rely on their looks to get what they want, and don't bother to develop other attributes. A pretty face with nothing else to offer can become a dreadful bore.

I agree with all the feedback. I guess i was not intending this thread to be about my relationship, but it is great to read the feedback on the topic regardless. Since those threads, my wife and I have come a long way and things are looking optimistic.

The nude model is a very interesting example, but i feel that all women like to feel beautiful and be desired. She gets an exceptional amount of attention in the nude and knows she is a highly sought after model (could be her way of building esteem). I can certainly understand why she does not feel the need to show herself off further in public ... would it be a fair statement that she is not necessarily any more self confident than other women?

I guess I am curious for similar examples, or stories of such relationships and how they were perceived, successess, failures, etc...

DestinysDad, I understand that you're going for a range of experiences, perspectives, etc., and that's cool. I always find my first response to these questions of yours is, "It's not as simple as you seem to want it to be," though.

I knew a couple where the woman was a lot more attractive than the man -- the woman dressed nicely and was friendly to lots of people including other men, but did nothing untoward and was genuinely attracted to her boyfriend. Her joie de vivre and gregariousness was part of what had attracted him to her in the first place, but once they started dating he wanted her to stop doing that -- basically to stop being the personality he fell in love with. She tried to compromise, he kept festering, she broke up with him.

It had nothing to do with attractiveness per se, just how he reacted to it.

I strongly take exception to the idea (which I don't think Phoenix was saying, exactly) that attractive women should hide their charms from all but their lovers. There are probably extremes of cut or transparency I would lift my eyebrow at, but women should certainly feel free to wear something their own size!

Similarly, I think attached women should feel free to be friendly and outgoing and hang out with other men, so long as their behavior does not cross whatever sexual lines have been established in the relationship.

Anyway, I've seen a wide range of real-life examples -- unattractive (in the photogenic sense -- all of these people I'm thinking of were attractive) men + attractive women who stayed together, others who broke up for a variety of reasons (seemed like it was more often the unattractive guy's jealousy than the attractive woman's straying), unattractive women + attractive men (less of these, but I know a few -- usually had the sense that the nominally unattractive women were good in bed ;-) ), some who stayed together, some who broke up.

<shrug>

Self-confidence and communication seemed to be what made the successful ones work.

Soz- Nah, I wasn't saying that. As far as the model was concerned, the guy told me that the woman was sick and tired of men ogling her. If I thought that women should hide their charms from all but their lovers, I would be advocating burkas! :wink:

I do think though that some women purposely dress and behave in an overly provocative manner. I believe that those women are looking for reactions from men. A woman can be attractive, and show off her good looks and figure, without objectifying herself.

Re: Relationships where one person is WAY more attractive.


I have to mention this attention is probably not from how she looks, per se, but how she acts. An attractive women who makes it clear she does not want attention gets no more attention than she desires.

Your wife courts this attention, in my opinion, or she would not be getting it. Why does she need it, when she's already married? Since she apparently does need it, I'd have to say her self-esteem is probably, in fact, less than yours.

Your charm and wit will long outlast her looks.

Hmm, I'm not sure about that, BorisKitten. I've definitely gotten attention from men when I haven't been looking for it nor wanted it.

Maybe other women don't do this, but I find it VERY easy to stop that attention if I don't desire it. One sentence, sometimes even one word, is all it takes.

If I see a man "ogling" me, I can usually stop him dead in his tracks without saying a word, just by looks. Unless he's drunk, then it's much more difficult....

I guess it depends on what we mean by "attention."

If we're talking about, say, going to the mall, it's just not practical to glare at every man who glances your way. There was a time (not now) when just wherever I went I would get looked at, period. I went through phases of being mad about it, trying to avoid it with clothing choices, and then finally gave up and just dealt with it -- wore what I wanted, was friendly to whomever, and only really reacted to those who crossed the line. The line would vary according to situation, but grabbing would result in bodily harm to the grabber. :-)

Anyway, it really really bothered me when for example the girlfriend of a guy who was checking me out would glare at me -- I wasn't doing anything wrong! I'm not going to wear suits two sizes too big to put the insecure girlfriends of boorish boyfriends at ease.

Self-fullfilling Prophesy:

You've already made up your mind. In your "insecure" world, you have already tried and convicted your wife. She's beautiful -- she's courting temptation -- and it's not a question of "if," but a question of "when" she cheats.

Your insecurities may very well be the driving force that nags and haunts your wife and eventually pushes her away from you.

In her mind, she might eventually justify straying because she'll get fed up with your insecurities and accusations.

In your mind, if she does eventually stray, all your insecurities will be justified. "See! I KNEW this was going to happen."

In my marriage, my husband lived each day treating me poorly because he just KNEW someday that I would leave him. Why should he invest time, effort, and emotion into a relationship that was going to end anyway? Five years later -- his prophesy came true. But it was a self-fullfilling prophesy. He pushed me away.

I think you need to stop tearing apart your relationship with your wife through your insecurities and prophesizing about her eventual betrayal and start BUILDING a marriage. Otherwise, your doom and gloom attitude will eventually be rewarded with doom and gloom.

^^^^^^^ What Deb said.

Hiding ones' attractiveness is like cutting off your whole hand just because you broke a fingernail. You can't stop the attention, unless you're going to put a bag over your head or something, but it certainly doesn't have to go any further than that. Attention is one thing. Approaching and making a play is another.

I know a couple who have been married for over twenty years. Both are very attractive but she's quite showy, always promoted her attractiveness much more than he and, of course, got much more attention. And loved it. Looked for it and expected it. Strangely, her husband never seemed to mind, even when it was clear that she was going out of her way to get it. But I thought it was shameful behavior for a married woman and frankly, wondered about him too, and why he put up with it.

Sounds like maybe you're just way prettier than me! Tee hee!

I didn't mind the looking, really, just the talking or staring. And yeah, I've had the girlfriend thing happen (long ago)...I'd just smile at her and talk to her, paying way more attention to her than her bf. She always understood.

I guess my point was, if this woman "is able to pick up guys left & right," it's her doing. Sometimes I show men my wedding ring and smile ruefully, just as an easy out for them. I'll bet she's never done this!

Same here. Throw a wedding ring in their face, most guys will back off.

I think I see what your saying DD, some of US women and I'll group myself in with those ...like the attention because its something that we are not getting at home. Its flattering, boost the ego and just down right makes you feel good.

I'm guilty as charged, the evidence could be stacked higher than my head on the flirting and bantering back and forth with men. They show attention and if I want it the attention from that particular person, I'll flirt back. It goes no further. I don't think I would feel the need to do so though if I was getting the attention I wanted from my husband. Somewhere down the road, he went to sleep in that department and is still snoring over in his corner of the couch. And trust me, its OLD! Hell, he married me.......but now he can't flirt with me? It was like once that marriage license was signed, it was a closed case.

But why do you think your not as attractive as her? You say she's beautiful...she married you! Maybe you just don't turn on that charm that was there in the beginning and she's seeking it out to find what she's missing?

Turn on that charm and wit with her and watch what happens. If mine done that now, I'd want to know what he was up too though...LMAO

Again, I think I poorly worded this thread. I think my wife and I have compromised on working past the insecurities of both us, and why we behave the way we do. So, I agree with most of the replies 100% and we've discussed all this in counseling.

Since I've been on this forum, I always find other people who have had the same experiences, and I enjoy reading similar accounts. So, I guess this thread is what it is ... people's experiences in relationships as I described.

Very happy to hear things are looking up for you, DestinysDad!

My self esteem is my problem. Mr. Noddy is a good looking man with a propensity for flirtation--that's the man I married.

My healthy ego belongs to me--not to him.