Lonely Newlywed

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My husband and I have been married just under 4 months and his 2 youngest children live at home with us. My 3 children and his oldest are all grown and on their own in other states. I moved to the midwest from a very southern state to marry him and I love him very much. BUT, I am having a tough time recently. I'm homesick for things that are familiar and for my friends, I am a full time step-mom now and I love staying home, but I'm beginning to feel like a maid. My husband loves me but makes me feel as if I'm supposed to forget I ever had another life before him. I have loads of drama with the s-kids since their mother is a psycho and manipulates them like crazy, but the drama is never directed at me. They are actually a very bright spot in my life for the most part. It is hard not having any alone time to just be newlyweds and I realize that I'm spending a lot of time lately in tears. I miss my children and my friends and my old, slower way of life a lot. I wish my husband understood how I feel but he just gets insecure if I mention anything from life before, even a comment on the weather difference will put him into a mood, and he worries that I want to leave him. (His ex walked out on him and their kids). I don't want to leave for the most part, but lately I'm feeling very homesick and lonely. Has anyone else moved far away to be married and left everything they knew? I could use some advice. Thanks.

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Welcome to A2K, Jeannie.

Why did you move? Did you talk about it in advance?

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I had gotten divorced almost 2 years before we got together and he was going through a divorce. His sister kind of hooked us up. (We had all known each other as kids). He has a career here and I was able to move since my children were on their own and I was on my own. So, I moved here to be with him and after living together for several months, we married. (We obviously aren't kids). Thanks for the welcome.

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Nothing to offer from me. My wives 1 & 2 (same person) finally got all these issues out, and mutually understood, about two years ago. This was 27 years after our last divorce. It can take time to really understand where the other is coming from, but you can probably get resolved a little quicker than that.

I see you recognize what makes him feel insecure. Hopefully, you can get him at ease with your prior life, if you can convince him it's something you remember, without wanting to go back to.

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Believe me living in the north in the winter would make me cry if I came from the south too. It's so hard to get used to the dark and cold. On top of turning your entire life upside down, I have no wonder you're finding yourself in a lonely hole.

It's so nice that the s-kids drama is not directed at you. Bless you for being a bright spot in their lives too. Do you have hobbies that can get translated into joining clubs or volunteering at places that will bring you in contact with other adults besides your husband?

I didn't move away to get married but I did move away by myself. It's very hard to start over but slowly it does happen.

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I try to convince him, it just doesn't seem to work. I got real excited about snow, but after a few days I jokingly said "okay - I'm over it now - where's the sunshine?" and he got very quiet and pouty and assumed I hated it here. I even told him that he makes me feel as if I'm supposed to forget anything ever existed before coming to Chicago, and yet, everything is so different here. I guess I'm feeling a little trapped and alone and kind of like an alien. Truthfully, I'd probably like to holler at him a little, but wouldn't since I don't care for conflict and wouldn't want the skids to hear.

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"I'm homesick "

You said it yourself. IT'S VERY NORMAL. Change is hard. It will come little by little. The unknown is fearful. You will make new friends in time. Go the activities the kids are involved in. Meet other parents. Go to Church or the Chamber of Commerce (NewComers).

Your past is your past. Look at this as an opportunity to Start A New. Put up pictures from your old place. Make this home YOURS & HIS. Give it some time and take one day at a time. Continue to talk to your husband about your feelings, but make sure you are not whining..crying etc when you do it. Men often want to solve a problem and if there is no quick, easy. solution, they feel uncomfortable. GOOD LUCK. I just moved to my new husband's small SOUTHERN hometown and boy can I relate.

We live on 80 acres on a dirt road, with a well and even the phone co will not run a line to our house because it takes 5 residences for them to run a new line. BUT THE VIEW IS FANTASTIC. I wake up every morning to CLEAN FRESH air and a view of the river that looks like its from Yellowstone, (witih a man who loves me)... So I'm happy.."It is not the mountain that stops us, its the pebble in our shoe".

LOL

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Jeannie, I'm in Chicagoland too. I'm not from here either but I've been here since '88 so if you tell me what your interests are I might be able to direct you to certain places.

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Just to clear things up... you aren't unhappy with him or the kids, just the fact that you are in a new place without any family or friends... just feeling a really homesick. Is that correct?

I'd try finding some group activities to do. Perhaps you like knitting... join a knitting group. Religious? Join a church group. Like dancing? Join a dance group.

Try to get out of the house and meet some people to help you feel more at home. Has your husband introduced you to his friends?

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Your description of your new town made me smile. I can definitely relate to it. I love the friendliness of small southern towns and the laid back way of life. Chicago has more people than I've ever seen in my life. Years ago, when we were growing up, my hubby and I were military brats and moved a lot (which is how we first met), however, I have been stationary for the past 20+ years so this is definitely different. Thanks to everyone for the words of advice. (Husband never hears me whine or cry) I'll definitely pay attention and do what I can.

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Yikes, this IS a hard change. Given what you've said so far, I think you're actually handling it pretty well (pat yourself on the back!)

I've lived in Florida since I was a kid, and cold dark winters would pretty much undo me at this point. Can you get one of those special lamps for Seasonal Affective Disorder? Any help is a good help.

The good thing about big cities is that there's a LOT more help available of all different sorts. Definitely join some kind of group if you can....just meeting new people should be a big help. Should be just about every kind of group (interests, religions, hobbies) available around you....go get 'em!

Hubby isn't handling this perfectly, and I'm sure that's no help, but nobody's perfect, and you sound like you can understand his fears. Offer what little assurance you can that you're not going to disappear one day. Snuggle him a bit...it doesn't hurt.

And congratulate yourself for stepping into a new role with such aplomb! It would be hard for anyone.

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Sounds like cabin fever is turbo-charging an already touchy situation. Perhaps the snow has escalated your feelings of isolation?

jeannie, our situation is opposite in that, I moved from Chicago to the south and met a Georgia peach and married him. Maybe this is an "older couple" trait but when we first married, my husband seemed to want to believe that I sprang from the head of Zeus as well and had no family, no life, before he came along. Many times in the early years (we're celebrating our tenth anniversary this year) I had to remind him that I had a family, a life, outside of him and my stepkids and I think he was jealous sometimes but the simple passing of time took care of it. The longer you're there picking up his shorts and caring for his children, the more secure he'll become.

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I just did that same thing jeannie.
I lived in New Mexico most of my adult life.
My friends are there, my family is there basicaly.. my roots are there.
I met my husband and moved here to texas with him.I hate it sometimes. I have no real friends/ connections here and we just had our first baby. I am at home mom as well and it is bothersome to say the least. I try my hardest to keep in touch with my family and friends but even an hour phone call doesnt quite fill the void . It isnt hard for me to make friends, just hard to find the time. Between hubby, baby and time for myself I dont get out much. I think I can understand where you are coming from.
Have you tried pen pal sites? What about meet up sites>
I know of one, meetup.com.
It has many diffrent types of meetup groups in all cities across america. Maybe there is one of your interest near you?
They offer religious group meetings, stay at home mom meetings, crafts, book exchange .. you name it.
maybe you can try that.

welcome to a2k!

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I too moved away from my family and friends to be with my husband. It is more than 2 years later and I am still lonely sometimes. It is so hard to meet friends.

I take a lot of pleasure in A2K. No, I am not a weird-o...at least in that way. I don't sit at the computer all day. I don't substitute A2K for real people. But it is nice to come here and chat with people and play pool on Yahoo with those A2Kers I was seperated from at birth. (shewolf and I are the same person, I swear it) There are people on here I really like and if they didn't live on the other side of the country, could see myself being friends with.

Join a book club or a gym. Buy all the books you said you'd read but never did. Arrange to have your best friend come stay the weekend with you every couple months. And you do the same. It might not be the best solution but it is a solution.

Do one thing for me though. Do not settle to be friends with his friends wives. You do not have to like them. You have to be nice to them but you don't have to hang out with them and like them. Things are easier when you are not feeling forced into a friendship because you are lonely.

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suppressing feelings
You made all the sacrifices in order to be with the one you love. You have completely remade yourself to conform to a new lifestyle with hubby. His happiness comes first. Now you are suppressing your feelings of anger and/or loss in order to cater to your hubby's insecurities -- but at what expense? You have chipped away at YOU so much that your "loneliness" comes from a deep sense of loss of self.

You don't need to move back to the South to regain your sense of self, but the transition into your new life has not been easy because you can't express the difficulties you're experiencing internally. Everything you're feeling -- some of it you can articulate and some of it you can't -- is bottled up inside of you. If you can't talk to your husband and continue to suppress your feelings, your volcano of emotions will eventually explode. As you have acknowledged, sometimes you want to yell at your hubby. You NEED to express your feelings. However, you don't.

You are keeping your feelings locked up inside and this isn't healthy for you or your relationship.

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I am sort of stuck in the house since I don't have a car although I do knit, crochet, cook, etc. The girls really aren't involved in anything but themselves (teenagers - lol). I'm not really unhappy with my husband or the girls, although the step-parent thing is much harder than I thought it would be due to psycho mom. I'm only unhappy with them when it comes to them not understanding how hard this is for me. If I call one of my dear friends just to "vent" or chat a little, they all want in on the conversation so I'm not really free to say much other than how wonderful everything is. I've met some people at my husband's work and if I was a drunk - we'd get along fabulously well. I love my next door neighbor. She's so great. But she works long hours and due to the fact that she lives next door, I really wouldn't tell her of any step-parenting or marital difficulties anyway. The auto show starts soon and since my husband is involved in it, he will stay in Chicago and I'll have the vehicle. Maybe then I can find some little things to get involved with. I'll try the Chamber of Commerce as suggested and see what other things are going on that I can do while the girls are at school.
Again, thank you all very much. I really don't feel as alone after listening to your replies. Laughing

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Plus you can always hang out with us here on A2K.

Check out some of the other forums. There are a ton of great people here who are a ton of fun.

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Thank you. I intend to do just that. I also went to the meetup.com site and registered in Chicago. They have a group for newcomers that is meeting in a few weeks. I'm going to ask Hubby to take me to the meeting. It's on Valentine's Day. He better say yes!

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I lived in Dundee IL (about 45 minutes NW of Chicago) for almost my entire life. I really miss the area. Once you get out and start exploring things I think you'll find it really is a great area to live. There is a ton to do and it is all within a short driving distance. Chicago always has stuff going on.

Winter does suck, but once spring rolls around and everything starts blooming and coming back to life after a long winter nap you can't help but feel alive and invigorated. Fall with the amazing color changes is really awsome as well. Plus, what's better than curling up on the couch with someone you love on a cold winter day?

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I'm not sure how long you've been here but if you haven't checked out the Art Institute yet it's a must. I travel down into the city a few times a year and my first stop is always the Art Institute. They've recently changed the free day and I don't know what it is any more but getting a membership is well worth the money if you enjoy art at all. I could spend an entire winter day there and get totally rejuvinated.

If you're adventurous and willing to leave the city, the Botanic Gardens in Glencoe has wonderful greenhouses to wander through. They help take the winter blahs away too.

The museum campus has a number of places (Shedd Aquarium, Field Museum, Adler Planetarium). They're all within walking distance of each other and you can pass a full day inside at any of them.

I'm not too familiar with the public transportation downtown. I take the Metra train in from the northern suburbs but there is public transportation throughout the city. There's so much to do in Chicago. It's better once the winter cold lifts but even now there's plenty going on.

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Lonely Newlywed

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