Myth of getting married too young.

You sound like the mirror of my wife now. She was happily married for sometime and then started hanging out with other men and getting wined/dined. All of a sudden, she comes back and tells me we shouldnt have gotten married, and that she's too young.

You've probably heard me rant about this on other threads too.

I personally think the guys she sees have alterior motives and are praying on her mental state. She was not too young when she got married, just not as independent. But men take that weakness as an open invitation it seems. That is why i have such a hard time trusting men around my wife now and will be able to when we're both more secure.

What are some of the things the guys would tell you?

Being too young to get married has less to do with age and more to do with your maturity. At 24, I know plently of people who were too young to be married. My husband was 23 and I was 25 when we married, and I don't thing either of us was too young.

The problem was not you. It was your crappy "friends" who instead of supporting you when you needed it (the first years of marriage are tough no matter who or what age you are) decided to try and get their shots in.

I feel for you. I hope you can find someone to be happy with. Everyone deserves that.

Kristie said what I was thinking -- I was 25, hubby was 27.

I think people who get married at 18-22 (basically before they graduate from college) definitely have a harder row to hoe, even though I know some work out. I wouldn't consider 24 too young just as a matter of numbers, though.

This may sound harsh at times but...

There's a level of maturity that's needed when one commits themselves to another. And if you're truly committed to a good person, I find it difficult to imagine how outsiders alone can undermine that. They had help.

Kristie said that the problem was not you but your crappy friends. I have to disagree. The problem WAS you. You knew these guys were trying to get next to you before you got married. Why you even maintained these relationships after you married is beyond me. A man trying to get into your pants is doing just that. He's not trying to be your friend, he's not trying to give you sound advice, he's trying to get into your pants and at 24, an experienced woman knows that.

I'm only guessing of course but it sounds like maybe you started fooling around on your husband?

What stands out to me in your post is the fact that, six years later, you're still blaming these so-called friends for wrecking your 'life lasting love' when in reality, you wrecked it yourself by allowing others into your marriage. Realizing and accepting the truth about what happened is the only way to make sure that it doesn't happen again. And then, let it go as soon as possible. Sounds to me like you're still whipping yourself and in the meantime, romanticizing that your ex-husband was this perfect man when in reality, there's really no such thing.

You sound so sad and searching through bars for Mr. Right isn't a good idea. The chances of finding him there are slim to none.

It's a new year rife with possiblities. Take a class, do something new and different and exciting. Six years is long enough to carry around mistakes of the past.

Ok, eoe, I have to rescind my statement. I agree. My best friend sometimes makes the comment (regarding my hubby) "He always makes everything too much about himself". And while I think that is true sometimes, I know him much better than she does and I know our relationship better and I know that I am selfish just as often. So I ignore her. I get what you're saying.

They would tell me that I got married too soon, and did not let love come to me. They felt my husband did not deserve someone like me. They always tried to make it seem like we were going through tragic times and married life is somehow less exciting, and would try to console me and be there ... just "to talk" and "share my feelings". This emotional availability was nice, and I'm not sure what percentage was sincere, if any.



but you're absolutely right. I do not blame anyone but myself, and am not a victim by any means. I set myself up for failure, and I just wanted to share my experience and am just taken by some of the reasons people get divorced, and the perpetual theme of realizing things way after the fact.

Guys can be very manipulative when it comes to sex and they must be evolving or something (must be those Maxim magazines). I am much wiser now, and have learned a great deal about men, relationships, and the lot.

Exactly. We bitch and moan about the bad stuff to our friends and family but we never spend as much time talking about all of the good stuff and we need to. For balance.

I married at 19 while still in college and was definately too young. By the time I was 24 and celebrating my fifth anniversary I realised that I had made a big mistake. The reason we got married is because my bf was very insecure and wanted to 'make it official' because we had been living together (gasp) and both his parents and my parents were upset. This was back in the mid-70s when living together was still an 'in the closet' thing in the families so although I had misgivings about the relationship I married him. One should never get married if they have misgivings about the relationship!

I was married at 24 and my wife was 23. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. It sounds to me like you need new friends.

...or stop idealizing your husband. As eoe indicates, I can't believe that the whole story is that your friends talked you into it. There must have been deeper problems with your husband that this was a symptom of.

The deeper problem was me being naive. If I were more mature, i would not have been hanging out with those guys in the first place, and putting myself in suspicious situations. I was searching for fool's gold i guess.

The reason i "idealize" my husband is because he was so trusting and secure with our marriage, I totally took advantage of that without communicating to him what kinds of things we discussed with friends. He's not perfect, but didnt deserve what happened.

So can gals

Your confession rings true. With your new found understanding you're bound to be happy and in love.

I was married in 1950 at the age of 21 and my bride was 19. Here it is 2004 and still married. There have been ups and downs as in every marriage. However, never regretted it for a moment. Marriage is a two way street with give and take from both partners.

In 1950, getting married at that age was pretty much the norm, right? 1999? A whole new world.

eoe
NO. It was young even in those days. however, people did get married a good deal younger than today. Of course unmarried and living together wasn't in vogue in those years. I won't comment on that area of human behavior. And we seldom heard of babies having babies.

Damn fools--whatever the age on the wedding certificate--alway marry "too young".

Tristen, It sounds to me like you've learned a lot in the past few years. I say, take that newfound knowledge and find yourself another good guy.

Tried internet dating? At least it increases your chances, as opposed to waiting to meet someone while grocery shopping or whatever. There are no doubt idiots and dangerous guys on the internet, but no more (I think) than in real life.

I feel your sadness, and hope you soon become happier. Remember, there's never only one perfect man for you (or for anyone). There are hundreds.