Do I run for the hills or will I regret it?

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I love my bf and he does as well, a great deal. Although we have dated several years we don’t live together. Been a few short lived breakups because I felt he wasn’t truthful about finances. I really want a man in my life after being widowed but they need to be loving and financially responsible since I’m already 60. I have a nice home and money from working g all my life.
After him being unemployed for 7 months he got a full time job with his friend’s company. That modest salary plus social security gives him enough to live on but probably not save too much for retirement and he is 65.
He inherited some money about $50k but is using about $15k to pay off his credit cards.
Now he wants to move in with me and marry me with a prenup of course.
In addition to him not having much money at all to retire (he only wants to work 5 years) , he does things like this:
He wanted to celebrate getting a job so he invited me for an expensive dinner. Then he uses his mothers credit card to pay it but the card has his name however it’s only his mom’s liability. I asked why he did that and he said his mom said he can use the card when he wants. Also he said him mom is getting $3k from vet benefits that he can use for her bills. After asking he tells me she owes about $5k on her card and he pays some each month. I asked why not pay the whole thing if she has money in the bank and I asked why he wouldn’t use his own card since he has money to pay it he became defensive and yelled if I want to break up with him “there’s the door”. I calmed him down because I love him but this is really freaking me out. His mom is 90 in assisted living and while she has some money put aside from the sale of her condo it isn’t much. She may need it when her long term policy runs out in a few years. I recall him asking me if when his mom dies if he can be liable for the debt or it’s written off and I told him it’s written off (I’m a lawyer). Interesting question.
I’m just feeling scared. I think his behavior is a bunch of red flags but I do love him

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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 785 • Replies: 6

The hills are thataway... and make sure he can't get hold of your credit card.

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@tornbetween2lovers,

You know what to do.

He's cheating the VA - that money is for his mother and her living expenses and not for him to take you (or anyone else) out.

He's bad with credit and seems to have no clue that paying off CC debt ASAP will save him on interest. It will also bring his credit score back up, which I can pretty much guarantee is under 600, given the amount of debt he's carrying and that he's only paying it off in bits. Also because he's just a signatory on his mother's CC -- he can't build personal credit that way at all (although if he screws up, he can sure as hell trash hers).

His mother is in assisted living and may not be competent to handle her own affairs - so he may very well be stealing from her as well.

He becomes overly defensive and downright hostile when you call him on his bullshit.

He has no retirement plans and no savings. Unless he lives with you, he, too, will be in assisted living. And it won't be nice at all, seeing as he hasn't got squat to his name. It probably won't be much of a step up from a shelter.

You're a lawyer. You certainly know about weighing evidence even if you're not a litigator. There is a heavy weight of circumstantial evidence that he is going to cheat you, too. I'd say it's beyond a reasonable doubt. There are no mitigating circumstances other than you wanting a man in your life.

You worked really, really hard for decades to get where you are. He could destroy it in months. Don't let him.

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@jespah,

jespah wrote:

You worked really, really hard for decades to get where you are. He could destroy it in months. Don't let him.

This.

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Now he wants to move in with me and marry me with a prenup of course.

Well, of course he does! He's hit the mother-lode with you, dear.

He's not marriage material, especially since you can see the writing on the wall. He has not prepared himself for the future and will blow thru the inheritance, then be content to live on SS. He just needs someone to pay for the basics, while he spends his money on the play things.

You have to decide if his "other qualities" make up for him being a financial Peter Pan. I have seen relationships where the woman is the money person, and the guy is the charming houseboy, cook and lover.

You decide, but know he won't be there financially for you.

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@tornbetween2lovers,

Quote:

Do I run for the hills or will I regret it?

There's only ever one answer to a question like this...the wording of the first part is never used unless there is good reason to do so.

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@tornbetween2lovers,

Run. Clearly he has honesty issues as well s financial issues. After you run, I would highly advise contacting someone who knows his mother and whom you trust to let advise to watch her finances. If you can prevent the possibility of her getting screwed by him, do it.

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Do I run for the hills or will I regret it?

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