She's too shy...?

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Hey guys. This will be my first post actually. I just came to these forums through God knows where, but that's besides the point.

I'm not very expereinced with relationships, and I'm having trouble with a girl. She is very shy and I'm not really sure what I should be doing to get her to open up

I had a crush on a girl, let's call her J, for a very long time. I started to talk to her, and my attraction grew from merely a physical one, to a deep emotional connection. I'm not one for asking girls out. I'm 17 years old, and I haven't really had a girlfriend. Anyway, I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she gave me a yes. Later on, she changed her mind because she really wanted to focus on school and grades to get into university, and she wasn't sure about what will happen next year to either of us if we actually get into a relationship.. I was quite peeved over the Christmas holidays, and when I returned, we were getting closer and closer. There could be no denying that. She came up to me one day and told me she had feelings for me. Needless to say, I was pretty happy. We spent a few minutes of each day together, but seeing as we were in school, we didn't have much time. Anyway, we talked for a couple of hours each day on the weekend over the phone, and agreed to meet up in a coffee shop on monday. Keep in mind, this girl is very shy. We met, and the coffee shop was deserted. We were talking, but I really forgot that this was the first date, and we had nothing to do but talk for the whole time. We did talk, but it did get a bit boring because of her un-willingness to talk about ANYTHING, which was basically needed at that point. I was pretty confident, but I forgot to do that 'make the moves' thing... Again, I haven't really been on a date before and I forgot how that whole thing worked. The night ended in a hug. That was monday, and in the following days at school we barely have talked to each other. I talked to her on the phone and she seemed the same as she was before, but at school, it's different..

I am still very interested in this girl. I have never met anyone so much like me, and so beautiful at the same time. She is really shy though, and it's not very fun going out with someone when they don't open up with you, you know? Any advice would be GREATLY appreciated. I havent had a girl before, and this one seems like a keeper. . . But HOW?

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Your writing is suspiciously advanced for a Junior in HS...but never mind, maybe you go to a good school.
If you really like her you'll have to patiently draw her out. The best way is to ask her questions about what she likes or her interests.Take mental notes and try to steer conversations her way. Perhaps in time she'll be more at ease with you and then she'll ask about you.

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I always found that dinner/coffee shop dates were a little awkward and confrontational for the first few dates. Take her out and do something so you both dont feel pressured to keep talking for hours on end. It is usually pressure and the fear of sounding stupid that get people clammed up.

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I'm 17.. I'm in Grade 12, but my birthday falls later on in the year. Anyway, I figured that I had to do things the long way, but she's on my mind all the time, and she has already told me that she's interested in me. I don't know why the hesitation is there. We have spent nights talking for hours on MSN, and we are eerily similar. Sometimes I think I'm too mature for my age, and this was brought on by my trip to East Africa in the summer. It showed me reality, and I find that most people my age aren't really connected with the 'real world'. As I get to know this girl, she turns out to be the only girl that I have ever met that shares the same opinions and ideas as I do. . . I don't connect with too many people but we both know that the connection we share is deep.

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Instigate wrote:

I always found that dinner/coffee shop dates were a little awkward and confrontational for the first few dates. Take her out and do something so you both dont feel pressured to keep talking for hours on end. It is usually pressure and the fear of sounding stupid that get people clammed up.

Yeah, I figured we'd do something like skating next time, something more fun. Any ideas? I could only think of skating, bowling ( a bit lame ) and the movies.. Even the movies dont sit well with me for some reason.. Oh well. I'm wierd.

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Theres lots of stuff to do. Theme parks, rock climbing gym, hiking, golf etc. Hell, I even took a woman fishing with me once. It was fun. I guess it depends on where you live. Do something you like to do and ask her to come with you.

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If there's a planetarium nearby...It's a great way to see the stars together.

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panzade wrote:

Your writing is suspiciously advanced for a Junior in HS...but never mind, maybe you go to a good school.

Hey now... you can't judge someone's age by their writing Wink

I'm proof of that... I've always excelled in writing, and online many believed me to be in my 20s and onward, even when I was still a young little junior high kid Laughing

But anyhoo...

Mozaiik, sometimes it all comes down to the subtle things. A lot of them, all consecutively happening. It's not so much about the speed; it's the process and order of things.
For example: If you hold her hand, then touch her shoulder, then hug her, then kiss her hand, then kiss her cheek, then kiss her... see what I mean? Everything going in order--no matter how shortly or quickly it happens--is calming and comfortable. Yes, take it one step at a time, but that doesn't mean you have to wait for years, or any other really long time.

I used to be painfully shy, so much so that I couldn't even hug anyone. But my first boyfriend did all those things I just mentioned, all in one night. He gradually got closer throughout our entire date (we'd met before, so I wouldn't call it a "first meeting", but it was definitely a first -romantic- date) until I hardly even noticed how close to me he was.

A *very* good and simple thing I recommend is getting her to relax and lay down with you. Laying down is a very comfortable, peaceful thing to do, maybe watch the stars or even laying on the floor in a home Razz

Anything, anywhere. It's a good way to gradually become closer, without moving too suddenly or strangely to make either of you nervous.

In any case, good luck to you. My advice is somewhat strange, but I hope I helped somewhat Wink

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Something I've been thinking about as well is the fact that I'm making all the moves, or so it seems. She DID come up to me and tell me she had feelings for me, but after that, I was the one who set up the 1st date, I was the one who called her on the weekends, and I'm the one paying her compliments, and saying little stuff.. None of that seems to be coming from her, and I'm having a hard time deciding if because of this it seems as if I'm trying too hard, which could in fact turn her away.. But if she's not doing much (because of her shyness? who knows) then who else can but me? I sometimes have doubts if she still has feelings for me because she doesn't show it much at all..?

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.:Aurora Dark:. wrote:

Hey now... you can't judge someone's age by their writing I'm proof of that...

That's true....there's some on this site who are middle aged and I mistake them for teenagers. Laughing

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It's difficult when all your efforts seem to be sucked up into a black hole. We have a sort of battery of love in us and when nothing is returned the battery gets drained.
I never did this, to my regret, but you could take her aside and with total sweetness divulge that you want to be with her but you're not sure if she feels the same. When the ball's in her court you'll feel better about having done all that you could.

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I agree with Panzade, you need to talk to her about your feelings. This will be difficult, but it might help her to open up if you do so first.

I also think it's better to do active things...skating, sailing, hiking, mini-golf...never mind if it seems lame. Also a zoo or museum visit can give you "something to do" while becoming more well-acquainted.

Hey Panzade, would that be a Russian Blue cat as your avatar? And here I thought I was only the Russian Blue cat on the forum!

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I want to do something active, but it has been around -20 degrees Celcius for the past few days.. I think that's around 0 Fahrenheit, so my options are very limited. Sure, it'll calm down in a few days, but there aren't that many ACTIVE things to do outside in the winter.. Any ideas guys? I pretty much have to do something with her this weekend, because next week are in-class exams, and the week after that are REAL exams, and if i wait for TWO weeks to do something with her, that might just be too long. Skating is the only thing i can really think of, but I sprained my ankle on new years, and I really don't feel like re-injuring it right now. I just stopped limping a week ago, but it is still a bit sensitive.. I need to think of something that I can do in the next few days. . . I don't wanna let this slide into nothingness. .

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Is there snow? Sledding can be a lot of fun. And the hot chocolate afterward is even more fun.

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hmm...

What kind of worries me is this urgency. You seem very urgent to know, and have ideas about what to do, as soon as possible with this girl. it almost sounds like, "Help me, if I can't find something for us to do she won't go out with me."

Maybe I'm wrong, but... that could also go with your feeling about being the only one making an effort...

Shyness is one thing. Apathy is another. Panzade is right, you need to find out which one it is.

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I love hearing people say things like "I had to do all the talking," and "she didn't say a word..it did get a bit boring," but "SHE'S A KEEPER!"

Sounds a bit desperate.

You have to ask yourself "how much effort am I willing to put into this person?" At a young age, you gotta realize when people tell you there's other fish in the sea, they mean it. I mean, nothing wrong with trying a bit with this girl, but sounds like her personality sucks.

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I think Slappy's being a bit hasty. I am a very reserved person until I get to know someone. I mostly listen and learn about the person without divulging too much info about me - at first. I dunno why I do this and I think it's an inconvenient trait to say the least, but it's me.

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I guess what I'm struggling with right now is the decision to be calling her or not. I've called her each time.. I know she's shy, but is she just not interested? I would wait for her to call me but I don't think she would. This girl is _very_ shy.. She told me that she thinks little of herself and that nothing she ever does is good enough, and she feels like a bad person alot......... She is the nicest girl I know... and I'm crazy about her. She's completely beautiful, inside and out.

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I knew a girl like that once. She was so damn cute, but incredibly quiet. She must have gone out with every guy I know...once. I went out with her once too, but I felt uncomfortable with the fact that she hardly ever said anything, and whenever I wasn't talking, there was always this awkward silence. I decided not to go out with her again.

Later, she ended up going out with my friend, and I was so pissed that I gave up on her too early. What a cutie she was.

I think you're going to regret it if you don't give her a chance. Call her. Call her. Call her!

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See, this girl has been asked out by so many guys, but the answer has always been a no. It was a no for me too, until she approached me later on and told me that she has feelings for me, and that she couldn't ignore them. I don't know if this has faded or what is going on anymore.

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She's too shy...?

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