Help me out, im freaking confused!!

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OK first of all this might be long as hell.. and if you dont feel like reading thru it, ill understand... First, I been with my wife for 4 years this coming March.. So this is how we end it up getting married. she got knocked up, we werent together during the whole pregnacy but after the baby was born we kinda started going out for like 2 months. Now fast forward to this today.. that was almost 4 years ago and now we have 2 more babies together.. this is the problem, im unsure about my feelings for her, see in the 4 years of marriage we have had problems, really big 3 times.. that is once a year, now is not like a fight, is just this same problems.. where im unsure about feelings for her.. i really dont know what to do.. i mean i have his doubts and i dont know if is my head playing games or if is just that i dont have any feelings for her.. a lil background on her, she is a christian girl.. good family, good values.. me, street kid, who never really had a steady girl and is always used to just doing whatever i want.. now i kinda dont know what to do.. our marriage is boring, and dull, the sex life is pretty much non existant and now this doubts that i get just makes it 10times worse on staying by her side.. and i always having to constantly tell her what to do since she seems like not wanting to take the hint.. i HAVE to tell her to clean, I HAVE to tell her to have sex, I have to tell her to cook, i have to tell her everything.. im freaking confused, any insight would help.. im frustrated and confused.. i really dont know what to do.. im about to lose it.. please help me out. and flame on if you feel that is fit to do so.. thanks.

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Sigh...

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I agree with Panz...

This is bigger than I can help with. I say go get some professional help. It sounds to me like you're more worried about yourself than the three kids you helped make... I'm not sure there is anything I can say that would help or clarify what you think is wrong.

But welcome to A2K and I hope things work out for you.

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Why why why why did you get married?????

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He felt he was doing the RIGHT thing..why oh why can't we teach birth control to teenagers?

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Your wife has had three babies in four years. She's exhausted. Probably too exhausted for sex, probably too exhausted for bathing, doing the housework, cooking the meals, looking pretty, having fun, anything. She's suffering from physical and emotional exhaustion.

The problem here is that boring and dull go hand in hand with making one baby after another. I'm guessing you aren't helping her with the childcare, cooking, cleaning but you know what needs to be done because you are able to point out what she isn't doing.

My suggestion is to let her get some rest. Take over the cooking and cleaning for a while. Pamper her. Let her know you care. You were an equal partner in making those three babies so be an equal partner in raising them. She'll be much more fun and interesting once she gets her feet back under her.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

I agree with Panz...

This is bigger than I can help with. I say go get some professional help. It sounds to me like you're more worried about yourself than the three kids you helped make... I'm not sure there is anything I can say that would help or clarify what you think is wrong.

But welcome to A2K and I hope things work out for you.

Thanks for the welcome.. and well im not worry about myself more than my kids.. they are everything to me, and well im just wondering why this freaking feelings/doubts that i get.. feel me. My kids get the shirt off my back.. so does my wife..

and why get married.. Like somebody else said, i felt like it was the right this to do, i guess thats where i messed up.. and Birth Control.. well the IUD she had didnt work, neither did the Trojan that I was wearing.. the first kid.. the only one where it was our stupidity it was the first baby..

Look i dont want to hurt her, it hurts me to see her hurt, it hurts me to see my daughters hurt.. i just dont know what to do, seriously..

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J_B I am very aware of what she is doing, i do to clean, cook and give her the space that she deserves and needs. I have sent her on 2 vacations while i took care of the kids and still worked my 2 jobs.. i pamper her A LOT. i guess thats what my problem is, i dont get nothing in return.. she has everthing that she had asked for and whatever she cares for..

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She's gonna get hurt...there's no way around it. You're gonna have to suck it up and confess how you feel to your wife.
Maybe you can work it out...maybe the marriage is over. The constant in the equation is that you gotta provide for your kids for a long time...whether you're married to her or not. It'd be less unpleasant if you could patch things up and stay a family unit.

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How old are the kids? And you and your wife? How old are you two?

I'm not trying to pry, just trying to get a sense of things.

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Panzade if anything was to happend my kids would always be taken care off...

J_B, my kids are 12months, 3 and 4 and I am 23 and she is 24..

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You have three kids under the age of 5. You know how hard that is. Chances are one or more are constantly requiring attention. They grow up, things get easier but right now it's exhausting. As far as sex goes, she probably doesn't feel sexy and she might be afraid of a 4th baby. The best way to avoid pregnancy is to avoid sex so if she totally wiped out she might subconsciously be sending out 'stay away from me' signals. That might be what's happening with her. Let's talk about your feelings....

What are you looking to see change? Are there specific things that are missing? Are you able to talk to your wife calmly and with passion to help her see how you are feeling?

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thatyoungdude - Welcome to A2K!

No wonder you are having problems................You became a dad at nineteen. I agree that your wife is exhausted, and that you most probably are too. Three kids in four years is a lot of responsibility, especially for people who are so young.

Is there any way that the two of you could get away together, without the kids? Is there a cooperative mother-in-law who could babysit? I think that the two of you need time together as lovers, and not parents. Maybe in a neutral environment, you can begin to sort things out together. Good luck!

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Another thought...

When my children were younger we had a monthly date night exchange with a close neighbor. Each month we would pick one Friday or Saturday night and watch each other's kids so that we got a night out to ourselves. Here's how it worked:

On our night to go out we would bring our kids over to the neighbors for dinner. They were excited because they got to go out to dinner too, just not with us. Then we would relax, have a drink, get changed and spend a full night out doing whatever. Around my kids normal bedtime my neighbor would bring them home and put them to bed and stay here until we got back while her husband put their kids to bed. On their night out, everything switched. All the kids came here for dinner, they played, had a wonderful time and then around 8:00 I would take the neighbor kids home, put them to bed and wait for the grownups to get back. EVERYBODY loved it. We did it for years until the kids were old enough to stay by themselves.

This doesn't exactly relate to your feelings, but it might be a way to spend some romantic time together.

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Welcome, Youngdude! I hope you find A2K folks as helpful as I have.

Does your wife work? If she's staying home with 3 young children, she may well be depressed & isolated. You having to tell her to do everything sounds like she might be really depressed, which I know from experience is a very serious problem. Maybe she'd be better off working, at least some days, with the kids in daycare? Maybe she feels just as trapped as you do?

You've said you pamper her & she has everything she wants, while you work 2 jobs & get "nothing in return." Could you tell her this in a sort of gentle way, like, I'd really like for us to be happier together, etc. You really have to talk about this, in my opinion, as she is your life partner and deserves to know where you're coming from. Just distancing yourself won't solve anything.

Really I think a lot of the problem is you're both so young with so many children, and there's no way to solve that. All you can (both) do is deal with it the best you can. In-laws and babysitters can be a great help. If she's Christian, her church might have counselors. There are other options, too, like social outreach organizations that might offer free or sliding-scale therapy.

I can see why things might be hard for you both. But I think until you both work towards being happier together, the same things will come up year after year. There's a good book that might be available from your local library, called "Fighting for Your Marriage" that might help if you can read it together. It's a lot cheaper than a therapist.

Best of luck to you both! I hope you both find happiness. Very Happy

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J_B in regards to your first response, as far as the sex part, well she is fixed, she got her tubes tide(sp?).. As far as the kids, yeah I do know that they require a lot of attention and we give them that, however i got to say that i been blessed with wonderful and respectful daughters which when is time to go to bed they all go and we have that time by ourselves.. and we just moved in this neighborhood less than a year ago, and well there is no real connections with the neighbors other that just that..

Pheonix32890 as far as a small vacation we have been planing one for this year, and we have made arragements for the MIL to stay with them, however my wife insist that we should bring them along..

Boris Kitten, she works, she has a great job and career... I often offer her to do stuff with her friends to get away from the routine of working, coming home and going to bed, but she most of the times turn them down becuase she doesnt feel like going out.. or just wants to chill at home, but then she complaints that she is home too much.

J_B as far as my feelings, well thats what im having problem identifiying(sp?).. I mean i really dont know if i TRULY love her, or if im with her becuase of the kids.. feel me.

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anybody else want to try helping me out??

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Hey dude,

I'll give it another shot. I get the feeling that you are stuck in a rut and looking for some sort of change. I can relate to this. Before I was married I went where ever the wind blew me. If things got stale I tended to pack up my things and move on. Now I can't do that and I sometimes get this feeling like I just want something to change in my life.

It sounds like you love your wife and kids but just feel trapped in a situation. She sounds like she may be the same way. Perhaps a change is in order to shake things up a bit. Perhaps a new job? Perhaps it is time to pack up your things and move somewhere new? Anything to break the routine of things.

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Run naked through your new neighborhood. That will shake things up. Very Happy

Ok ok, I'll stop. I know you aren't looking for jokes.

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thatyoungdude, do you work, yourself? You mention no real connection to your neighbors yet -- do you have friends, your own life?

The problem is that there may be more elemental issues that are making you feel the way you do, and that won't be solved if you separate from your wife -- I'd focus on identifying and solving those issues before you examine whether you want to be in the relationship too closely.

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Help me out, im freaking confused!!

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