Respect Shapes Sound Relationships

Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 06:32 pm
This is a long thread about my experiences and thoughts I would like to share with, because I witness how painful people are in their different relationships, and some people doesn't realise sometimes they are in disrespectful manner. If you think it is a waste of time to read, please just quit. I hope my thoughts could be any of helpful to those people who are struggling themselves in their relationship(s), and this writing of mine is also a reflection of my own self, and a monologue of mine as well.

Respect Shapes Sound Relationships

1. Learn to Respect Other People

Many years ago I had a penfriend. He helped me with my English on another forum, and later voluntarily offerred his friendship to me. I didn't think I had anything to talk to him then, but I didn't know to say "no" and was unable to to "no" because I thought I owed him something. (Of course, I don't think so now.)

At that time my writing was in a mess becauseI didn't care much about lower and upper cases if I wrote to friends in English, though I was able to do.It was a disrespectful manner as I reflected myself later. On the contrary his writing was always very neat with "Dear XXX"- my name. He never frowned upon my writing and told me how I should do. Until one day I realised my writing manner was so disrespectful and I said sorry to him. His respectful personality made me met with a better myself.

He was a professor with Ph.D. degree. He never ever showed that off to me, but simply down play it and said he was a scientist. He always put himself on an equal footing to dialogue with me in our quiet and pleasant correspondences.

He travelled to Japan and learnt to wirte two Japanese words in English pronunciation to me. I learnt a little Japanese, so I didn't ask what the words meant. He was not sure if I understood the words, but he didn't say loudly "hey, let me teach you the words in Japanese which mean "long ear", but simply replaced one word in English in the next email.

It's the first ever in my life I felt I was treated as truly a human being. It was first ever in my life that I learnt what "gentleman" and "respect" exactly meant. "Gentle" in "gentleman" means "treat other people" in a respectful manner regardless of their knowledge, social statuses, degrees,genders, etc. It is not supercifically holding a door for women or just rolling tongue in cheeks saying "thank you". "Gentle" /"respect" means treating people as independent persons with equal footings."Gentle" / "respect" means a person never tries to control another person's mind and thoughts according to their taste or opinions.

2. Learn to respect Myself /Yourself (to be continued)
Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 06:36 pm
2. Learn to respect Myself /Yourself

I was very busy, and didn't think myself over too much. I was puzzled why I was always surrounded by some dominant friends whose behaviours and remarks made me very uncomfortable. For example, they judged my shoes, my clothes, my hair style, reading, etc.at will, under the cloak of caring, love, friendship. And I took that for granted all the time.

"Why, why, why", each time I was just simply able to ask myself when I felt uncomfortable, but trapped myself in such unhealthy relationships. Inwardedly I passed the buck to other people. "Well, that was becaue I didn't find right people to get along with, but dominant and controlling people", I just could explain to myself so.

Until one day I had time to reflect myself quietly and very painfully for almost one month, and realised it was my fault too. It was me who allowed them to judge me disrespectfully, to "instruct" me in a disrespectful manner. It was me who allowed them to lord over myself. I never ever said "no" when I should have said. I never ever said "stop" when I should have said.

I never truly respected to my own self, how could I have demanded mutual respect from other pepole, from dominant people?

Now I'm happy with myself, with the people whom I get along with. I would like to request them to treat each other in a mutual respectful manner. I will tell them my boundaries, or please get out of my life.

3. Respect in marriage/romantic relationship (to be continued)
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Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 07:20 pm
3. Mutual Respect in marriage/romantic relationship

On different forums, I read many threads on which many people, especially women, who whined and whimpered about their unhappy marriage, for example domestic violence,etc. Casting aside some cultural and religious factors where male chauvinism traditionally dominates, mostly all kinds of the problems lie in themselves with low self-esteem and confidence.

A few days ago, I read a thread by a woman. She said she wanted another baby because her husband said that was okay, but if she wanted another baby if she had to go back to their hometown where the husband thought there is better education for children. Of course, it is not true at all.

She painfully said how dominant her husband was and always turned a deaf ear to her reasonable requests, except for the issue of the babies on the topic of thread she created. She illustrated whenever she tried to do something, for example, learniing some skills, but her husband always threw a wet banket on her,"That's is not useful. That doesn't work". She was very upset.

I asked her why she should always follow her husband words, if she thought those were right, and she should just do them.

She said,"No, I can't.He will be angry".

I asked further, "What would he do except for throwing his tantrum for a few days if you insisted your ideas? Would he physically abuse you?"

She couldn't answered.Obviously the answer is no.

Then I told her it was not her husband who exactly didn't allow her to do what she wanted to do, but she just gave herself up. She didn't respect herself as an adult as an independant individual who is supposed to have their own thoughts independently. She allowed her husband to lord over her life. The reason is she loses herself without self-esteem.

She daren't express her real thoughts to her husband ,and even dare not to other forum members. She tended to say yes to everyone, including me.

She mostly put herself in a passive position, thus passed the buck to her husband. Well, she was the victim in her thoughts. Of course, I don't assert that her husband is correct.

To be continued.
Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 07:33 pm
iclearwater wrote:

....women, who whined and whimpered about their unhappy marriage, for example domestic violence...
So, people who are getting beaten up shouldn't complain about that?

Why not read up about battered spouse syndrome before you start judging those people?

And maybe have a little charity. Those people are scared and for good reason. A broken arm from a spouse is the same as a broken arm from someone else. And abusive spouses can and do kill.

You don't know people's circumstances. Don't judge them. They don't deserve you piling on, too.
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Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 07:55 pm
4. Respect the creations of yours, mine, and other people's.

Quite a few days ago, I read a thread on A2K on which the original poster who is a writer, was asking if it is appropriate or acceptable to write a relationship between an adult and a minor.

I felt peculiar funny why he would ask how people would judge his works if he is genuine artist, then he is supposed loyal and respectful to his thoughts. Morals change from time to time, from country to country. Homosexuality was not acceptable but it is legalised in some countries where that was a taboo. If people feel uncomfortable, they should leave such a book alone instead of smother the thoughts of other people.

That can possibly conflict my values. I think it is worst to smother the thoughts of human beings by other people, by themselves. The suggestion of mine is to grade such a book, and allow other people freely express themselves, and choose to read or not.

To be continued.
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Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 08:37 pm
5. Opposite to respect is controlling people

The opposite to respect is to control people. Those people demand other people what should do, what shouldn't do, instead of say in a respectful manner to offer a suggestion.

Some behaviours and remarks are very obviously disrepectful and controlling, yet other behviours and remarks are under the cloak of caring, helping, the people don't even consciously realise how they try to control the people they interact. I realised I could have inadvertently beome a controller before I finished reading a book named Controlling People by American author Patricia Evans. I read the translated version instead of original English. This is one of the best books I've ever read. I highly recommend people to read it.

Yes, I knew some of them the author talked about, but the book helped me way symtematically how to understand controllers' mindsets, behaviours, and understand what are controlling behaviours/remarks.

Here's one example in the book: (I couldn't remember the words verbatim)

What would you do if your child wore different colour socks on their feet, and you are going to take your child out?

A) Ask her/him to wear the same pairs of socks.
B) Let her/him to choose at their will.

Without reading the book, or have the options listedabove in the book, I would very likely instruct my child to wear the same pairs of the socks if I were the parent. Now I realise I would be such a controller and kill the creativity of a child if without reading the book.

There are some great examples in the book too. And another example, the author experienced a strange reader approached to her, and said to her,"Smile, this is a great day". --Yeah, I probably would do so without realising it would be rude.

I appreciate the author who let me again more consciously know the boundaries of mine and other people's, to let people and myself present their lively and diversified spirits without be molded.

To be continued.
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Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 09:19 pm
6. Judge = Disrespect?

This was a question I was tossing before.

I asked myself, "What if the people claim they have the right to judge, when I request other people don't judge me".

I found the answer myself. It's the nature of people to judge everything, and every person in the world. It is the congition of people to generalise everything and people they interact with".

I am not granted the right to say to other people, "You shouldn't judge this or that. You shouldn't generalise this or that". Actually everyone I observe judge and generalise more or less. Again, generalisation or judge is one of people's cognitions.

Yes, I do judge people, books, things etc., according to my views, values, but I don't comment to their face, and I don't instruct people what they should do, what they should not do. My judge is my own right. My judge never try to intentionally offend or interfere other people.

My judge could be wrong, but if I judge and tell my judge to the people or things, I would try to remind of myself, "Remember to verifiy the thoughts or judges with other people".

In a nutshell, judge =/= disrespect. Judge is a right of people. And comments based on the judges of individuals without verifications to other people's thoughts are disrespectful.

To be continued.
Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 10:32 pm
7. Instruction or Opinion?

I'm mentally normal and sound, personality independent, and at least basically I'm capabe of sensibly judging my reading or doing whether nor not it is good or bad. I don't need someone comes over and addresses to me "Do not treat this book as..", especially with the wording like "Bullsh*t". Such comments are disrespectful to both of the speaker and listeners. I felt like I was a three-year old being tutored, and my judgement was being insulted.

I don't think people have any right to instruct me to do or not to do something, if I behave within the the framework of laws and regulations, rules to which I am subjected. For example, I will comply with the rules with the forum if I intend to continue posting here.

The proper opinions in my view are the opinions which are on the basis of facts and theories, and the opinions attackers are capable of attacking points in the books but not simply generally heap up insults.

The proper opinions in my view are saying "This is my suggestion, and my personal view for your consideration /option." something like this, instead of instructing, "Don't do" or "Do". If so, I will be happy to listen to and seriously consider. And I will highly values such opinions, otherwise I will trash them.

Of course, in the writing of mine here,these are my personal opinions too.I never try to shove them down to the readers' throats, and ask them to accept or follow. Take it or leave it, it is up to you. I will leave to your sensible judgement I respect.

But if anyone tries to communicate with me, I would request so. This is my boundaries. And meanwhile I would respect the boundaries of other people if they request anything. This is mutual respects. Or I would likely leave them alone.

To be continued.
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Reply Thu 28 Dec, 2017 11:26 pm
8. Sad realities and Starry Starry Night

There are not legalised slaves who lose their physical freedom in the world any more.

There's Freedom of Speech which is stated in our Constitution. However people here are blocked to visit some webisites out of political concerns, and some political dissidents are being prosecuated. I have very complex mixing feelings about this. I don't mean to state what is right or wrong about this. I'm not going to unfold this issue. There's less possibility for outsiders who can truly understand the sentiments.

I was thinking maybe the grass must be all green on other side of hill. Yet I still found the similar sad realities though in different shades.

Casting aside of the laws, people don't really allow other people to be free in their thoughts, but shackle. If the opinions of an employee are conflicting with the employers out of work hours, out of work place, she/he is likely sacked.

Laws are not for people with equal footings, as the laws are represented by scales of the measurement instrument. I would say laws belong the ruling classes, and then belong to the rich who has money to hire the most capable of attorneys for the rights of them, and the financially trapped people just take it and bear it.

I realise there is not fairness. I'm not going to argue with any authorities, except for silence, but I keep defend my rights and demand mutual respects in my relationships, especially in reality.

Looking up the starry starry night, there are numerous planets in the universe. I said to myself, "Why is no genuine freedom on the Earth? There must be truly freedom on certain planet, where the people treat each other equally respectfully, and the universe is big enough for different thoughts".

Smiling to my naive fancy about this, I decide to pen down now, at least temporarily.
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