Is this a reasonable offer?

You want to live on your own for a bit, but you need a place to stay? Sorry, but that's how it sounds to me. It may sound much better to her, of course.

You're making a mistake.
1. You're going back on your gut feeling that living alone for a year or two would help you be a better husband and father.
2 You're giving in to her low grade ticking bio-clock blackmail.

Follow your instincts. If she can't wait a little while for you to find yourself you're better off knowing now.

I just knew there would be different perceptions on this.

I was in a similar position as you not too long ago. It sounds like your girlfriend is codependent on you if she cant live alone. You both need to be dependent and live alone for sometime before getting married. Make sure she can provie it or you'll end up like me ... in counseling trying to fend of a divorce. We're similar in age too.

She will come to her senses and wait around. If not, good thing you found out now rather than later.

Good luck with law school. Interesting that someone studying law comes up with a contract (or deal) for a relatiionship ... you lawyer types crack me up.

Let me clarify this a bit. I don't mind commutting to the city for the internship, but I figured if there was ever an opportunity to see if "living together" will work, this is probably it. I can't live with her during the school semester (she's too far away).

Its much more than "Hey, she lives near my job, so I'll just crash at her place for the summer". Although I can understand that perception.

Learn how to live on your own before you do anything else.

Holy crap, I didn't even realize that until you mentioned it

Anyway, her rush to move in together is understandable. She's been living on her own since she was fairly young, and now she's ready to take it to the next level (actually, she's been ready for some time).

Well, my perception is as unimportant as your intent, Observer. What is important is her perception.

Ideally, you would get some solo experience first, but when is all else equal?

Re: Is this a reasonable offer?


You and she can judge whether or not it is reasonable.

If I was presented with that "offer," I would tell you to enjoy your new place by yourself.

Re: Is this a reasonable offer?


Actually, it sounds reasonable to me. I have less of a problem with offers & contracts in relationships than other folks.

I think it's possible that 3 months isn't long enough to determine whether things will work out for life. Also, I think it's a Really Good Idea to live by yourself for a time....I did it for 15 years before I got tired of it...

Either way, best of luck & happiness to you!

And you have always lived at home.........................Hmm.........I think that it is essential that you live on your own for a bit!

Yeah, I feel like a total loser being that old and still at home. I went through a phase where I wanted to find the "right career", so I bounced around a bit, each time making just enough to not be able to afford to leave.

Now that I've finally set myself straight with law school, I can't afford to live on my own, but I'll be able to move out right after I graduate.

Anyway, I clearly remember a coworker who told me how he went straight from living at home to living with his wife, and how much he regrets not having a place of his own for a while. I just didn't know how much of that was his own personal experience, and how much that generally applies to all people who go from living at home to living with another.

Nothing "generally applies to all people" in real life. But this forum is a good source of personal recommendations that span the gamut of real life experiences

Men who have had a good taste of bachelorhood make much better husbands. They realize that housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, kitchen-clean up and all those chores don't happen automatically.

They also realize that if no one buys toothpaste or toilet paper, there is no toothpaste or toilet paper.

Spending a year as a bachelor is an excellent idea for you and a good investment for her.

Too many variables.

How autonomous are you at home? Do you eat all meals together? Do you have some section of the house that you are entirely responsible for? Does your mom still have an actve "mom" role -- sympathetic ear, worrying about your welfare, etc.?

I think it's reasonable to want to spend some time on your own before going right to living together/ marriage, but I think it's unfair to your girlfriend that you waited so long to spend time on your own. There are always ways for adults to live away from ones' parents -- it may not be very plush, but it's always possible. Especially for students.

So, that was your decision, and evidently an ill-informed one, and it's not fair for your girlfriend to suffer the consequences of it IMO.

That said, I think this proposed "trial period" is problematic on many levels, itself. Starting to live together -- especially if this is the first time you've ever lived apart from your parents! -- is just plain fraught. You can pretty much guarantee that it will suck. However, it's suckiness would not be a valid indicator of whether your later lives together would be happy or not.

My advice at this point, from the information you've given (I can think of a lot of things that would adjust my perspective), is to live NEAR her but not with her, on your own, this summer. No contingencies, no if-thens, just do it and go from there.

I wouldn't trade the years I lived alone for all the tea in China.

It wasn't always lovely. Sometimes it was very difficult.

But I learned the lessons of contentment there and I learned how to keep myself company and I learned that I am the only person who can make myself happy.

Live alone for a while. You will never regret it.

I agree with boomerang.
When I left my parents house for a little studio in the
city I was in heaven and looking back, it was a great time
in my life I wouldn't have liked to miss, and it taught
me a lot about myself.

Yep. Definitely important.

In terms of what's best for you, long-term, I'd say live on your own for a stretch. Preferably with no immediate support network (girlfriend, parents.)

I answered above mostly in terms of your stated question.

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'll consider it all and I truly appreciate it.

And Sozobe, Just to answer your questions/comments: I live in the downstairs section of the house, I take care of most of my meals and eat solo (I'll eat with the parents 1-3 times a week), and I'm responsible for my room and bathroom. Due to my school schedule, I'm rarely in the house anyway (I'm in school from 10am to roughly 10:30pm) and basically use it to just sleep and hold my stuff until I leave.

I make it a point to never ask for anything of my parents, and they don't give me anything, although out of their kindness, they let me stay rent-free while I'm in school (when I was working I paid rent).

As for my ex, yeah I f*cked up in waiting this long. Although I've generally been up front with the whole "living on my own" thing (I don't think she took me seriously on that one, or thought she could change me). She's got her issues, but she's a wonderful woman and the only person I can really see myself getting married to right now.

Although, at the sake of sounding like a total pig, if this doesn't work out, I'm not too worried about meeting another nice girl and settling down when I'm more established. I'll have a good job, a place, and a few years under my belt of living solo.

I just really care about this one, thats all.