Funny Quotes #2

I thought that I'd a little levity to the day by adding these Woody Allen quotes. If you don't find these funny or have no sense of humor, please dial 1-800-Dial-A-Joke.

Please feel free to add your comments and quotes that you feel others will find funny, entertaining, and/or ironic.

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"I am at two with nature."

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."

"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."

"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."

"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better...while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."


"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room."

"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"

"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."

"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies."

"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon."

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."