Funny Quotes #1

For the sake of a little levity, I have passed this onto to you folks at A2K. It's material I found on the Internet. If you find some funny quotes or jokes, please add those that you feel others would enjoy, as well.

The following are some quotes from Steven Wright, noted comedian:

"Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. "

"I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it. "

"He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." "

"I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension."

"I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. "

"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."

"Four years ago... No, it was yesterday."
"Today I... No, that wasn't me. "
"Sometimes I... No, I don't. "

"Is it weird in here, or is it just me? "

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.' "

"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'. "

"I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you have anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean by do we have anything you like?" I said, 'You started this.' "

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it... "

"I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil."

"I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control."

"I invented the cordless extension cord."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest. "

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there. "

"For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter ... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running ... (Slow glance upward.)"

"I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got dizzy. "

"I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said,'I thought I told you to go to sleep.' "

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere. "

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."

"I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by."

"One night I came home very late. It was the next night."

"After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"

"I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?"

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting."

"What do batteries run on?"

"Are there any questions?"

"I can levitate birds. No one cares."

"I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity."