Need to know your thoughts, is this cheating? Did it become physical?

Reply Fri 1 Dec, 2017 08:44 am
This happened about a month ago and I cannot sort it out. I quite honestly don't know how I feel or think about this. So I am turning to anonymous people that have no vested interest for insight into this situation. I'm trying to determine if this is cheating and also did my wife physically cheat on me?

My wife and I have been married 10 years. She had two serious relationships before me. The one relationship was only a couple years long but sounded very intense from what she has shared. Their relationship was very sexual, he got her to open up and do things that quite honestly surprised me, and she said she loved him. She let it slip once that this guy, initials FJ, was the best lover she ever had, she would do anything for him, and was really good in bed. They ended because he went back to his ex GF. For awhile my wife was his sidepiece. The other relationship sounded pretty traditional but she wanted a commitment of some kind after 4 years together, which he would not provide. She told me that she really did love him, but would not stay around without that commitment. We will call him by his initials, CP.

Fast forward to last month and I get an email purportedly from my wife. Turns out it was a from a burner email, but whoever sent it decided to send me FB Messenger screen shots with the comment "Thought you should know" and "there is more". Turns out about 5 years ago, my wife had the following exchange over the course of a couple months with her ex, FJ. Most of this is directly transcribed. I have added XXXX to remove personal or identifying details and added a couple comments for clarity.

Her: hmm. first off I was completely blown away by you remembering the first time. God that crazy ass feeling came rushing back to me.
I was totally impressed. Also I thought about what you said. Was it so hot because it was a secret? I say no. I was and am that type of lover. I was so attracted to you. It was indescribable. I wanted you more, really. But i couldn't and wouldn't push it. You made the choice (maybe the wrong choice but none the less your mind was made up and nothing I could do would change that. ) The last time at my apartment when you told me of your choice and you left, I didn't sleep. I cried, not for myself, I knew this would change things. I wanted good things for you. I didn't think that that was the way for you to go. Yes I had a plan for you (haha) but enough about this.

What I'm trying to say is that I would have rocked your socks off. I'm truly that kinda girl. I'm a pleaser. Not a ball buster. I'm a lover of the balls Smile

Take the XXXX relationship. I would have done ANYTHING to get him to care about me. He didn't. And I'm not sure if he was to stupid to notice it or really good at using me. Yes I was the dumb one there. I admit that. I really needed someone to care about me then.

I was always attracted to you, you are hot, fun to be around, and great in the sex dept Smile I remember when you told me to give you a chance, you would show me how I should be treated. Damn, why were you with her..ugh! But I didn't care. I'd take what I could get. Now I look back maybe I should have told you that.
So i'll answer my question that I asked you.
Fav moments......all of em. damn i wrote that.
The little shower in the basement moment. Waking you up for school in the am Smile XXXX street apt showing up with nothing on Smile hot! XXXX(name of a place they had sex at) we are probably on camera somewhere and of course hot tubbing.

I thought about how hot it was, how you made me feel. Your kiss. your touch. I remember the first time you saw my breasts the look on your face. (a kid getting a new toy). How you touched me. wow. How you nibbled on my neck.

So you say your a master of the (there was a misspelled word here that I could not figure out) hmmm. That's so hot.
Damn I didn't get a chance to go shopping for new lil buddy. But that wont stop me Smile
Well now that I either bored you to death or scared you off I'm going to actually hit send now

FJ: ok good thing. God your boobs!!! email me directly if want to chat when i am at work cuz can't FB there

Her (next day): Starts message with a heart eye emoji then gives work schedule and adds "I'm intrigued by the thoughts though Smile can't wait to hear Smile Hope you have a good night"

FJ (next day): me off on Tue/Wed. The rest of the week work 7-3 but that is only if you are coming to visit (heart eye emoji)

FJ (13 hours later): talk to you, hang up, HORNY, same for you??

Her (2 hours later): yes !!!!

There is nothing after that for a year, then they start chatting again. At first it is mindless small talk and banter, but after a few days he asks her to get together for coffee. She responds she probably will not have time in the near term, but would love to get together for a XXXX w/whip. He responds, "you know you're getting old when whip refers to coffee and not other things." She immediately responds with "Yes well I always liked my whip (heart eye emoji) A couple weeks later he sends her a chat and asks for her email. She responds with a joke about being lost in the mix and gives him her email address. He responds back with "Shut up you!! LOL Get yourself a spanking if you're bad" My wife then responds "Uh oh! I've been good for so long I don't think I remember what a spanking is anymore" He then says "Yeah I find that hard to believe"

This last exchange was the end of their flirtation or whatever they did. After that their chats did not pick up again for about a year and it is normal conversation about how is your family, etc.

My thoughts around this are they were obviously talking before the FB messages started. They also talked on the phone on at least one occasion. I am expecting to get their emails at any point and can only imagine what is in there. I guess I don't know if this is flirting gone too far or actual cheating and based on this I am wondering if she had sex with him. Also does time factor into this at all? This happened 4-5 years ago, should that be a consideration? What are all of your thoughts? In addition to this, around the time of the first exchange with FJ, my wife also was chatting with CP, her other ex. I found this because I snooped on her after getting this email. Part of it was I needed to be sure what I shared above was legitimate but also I wanted to know if there was more. Shown below are those chats between CP and my wife.

Her: XXXX I heard about (your situation). I didn't know that happened. I am so sorry, I hope you are well. I do care, send me an email.

There is no response via FB to that message, but about 8 months later she sends him this.

Her: LMAO! Well I guess I did (heart eye emoji) let up on the shift button too early. But it sounds like you are talking to someone that has some experience in letting go of the shift button too early. HAHAHAHAHA or I mean HAHA, that's a quicky. LOL

CP: I knew you would go that way with it (heart eye emoji) Sweet! BTW I'm allllll night long. Excpet for that warning shot across the bow. LMAO!

Her: All night??? Been there, done that. You're lying. LOL

Him: That was then, this is now (heart eye emoji)

Her: I forgot you are new and improved.

Two days later the chats continue

CP: And all of this over a slip of the finger .... LMFAO!!!! Maybe it's time for a visit (heart eye emoji)

Her: Slip of the finger, hmmm I thought we were talking about the shift button. LMAO. did you want to say hi to my little friend, he he he he

CP: that my line, LOL. Only I wouldn't say little. (Heart eye emoji)

That was the end of their chats.

TL;DR: wife of 10 years exchanged sexually charged and flirtatious messages and emails with two ex BFs. The one suggests she is at least thinking about getting together with him. This happened between 4-5 years ago. I found out last month and am having trouble making sense of it. Not sure what to think or how to interpret
Reply Fri 1 Dec, 2017 10:09 am
It's half a decade ago. The Statute of Limitations has run. Besides, you said you got this via a burner email. Don't you think burner emailings can potentially just grab crap from anywhere? What I'm saying is, at least part of that is awfully generic and it could have been from the spoofed account. But who knows?

How about, you know, having a conversation with your wife? Show her the screenshots. Explain where they came from. Come clean if you've done any snooping and ask (calmly) - did anything happen?

And figure out what you're going to do from there - which may very well be nothing, seeing as a lot of time has elapsed. Talk about your relationship, too. Do you want to keep it? Do you want to improve it? If so, then act as a team, together, and address these issues.

You are never going to be one of those other guys. But you have a lot going for you, and the biggest thing is - you've been there. That should count for a whole helluva lot in life.
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Reply Thu 7 Dec, 2017 10:46 am
I'm really sorry about this whole situation you're going through .

I agree with jespa. You need to talk to her . Show her everything and question it. But do not loose it! Just be calm and see what is going on.

If she admits , she is either a pathological liar or extremely unhappy . It also sounds that she is very kinky. How is your sex life? Have you ever asked her of her fantasies , of what is the most extreme thing she would like to try with you as a couple?

Being open and honest is the most important thing!

Good luck and give us an update if you can!
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Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2018 01:07 am
did you bring it up with the wife yet
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Reply Sun 8 Apr, 2018 04:25 pm
She cheated on you big time . they went to email so you couldn't find it . they meet and had sex . is her phone locked if not could could find the emails .
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Reply Mon 21 May, 2018 07:03 pm
I am so sorry for your situation!! I am going through a real tough time about a relationship today. For what its worth in my opinion if she has cheated on you once there is a greater likelihood of doing it again, I would run for the door!
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