I would consider finding a doctor or counselor first. Then ask them their opinions. The may be able to give you better guidance of your husband’s issues. They could also help guide you in the best way to handle your husband.
And here’s a thought, how about when you sit down to talk with him, first tell him all his great qualities an including how much you love him and wants what is best for the both of you. Then tell him you are concerned about these types of items, driving, etc. You think he is the best person in the world and if he could do this one little thing and perhaps see a certain doctor it will make you feel so much better and no matter what the outcome he is still the best thing that happened to you. Or something along those lines. I think the most important thing is to be positive and to stroke his ego as much as possible so he is not hurt.
With regards to money,maybe you could give him a simple task to do .Maybe give him a few reciepts to add up saying you just want to check that the money you spent adds up to the change you have left.
I think the driving is one of the few things that is making him feel like a grown up.Maybe he feels like a child most of the time.But again if he is driving dangerously dont feel bad about making comments.Previous posts gave good advice.
So sad about your first husband.But what a horrid 2nd husband!!
Sorry I can't seem to stop "talking...."
I had an uncle who was so severely retarded he could barely speak (from lack of oxygen during birth). So I spent time with him and at his "workshop," where other folks with MR would learn, socialize, hang out, etc. I never ceased to be amazed that these folks were so much more loving and kind than other, smarter people. I don't know why they were, but I liked them all a great deal, and liked spending time with them.
That said, they were also easily overwhelmed by excess sensory input. I was able to put myself in their shoes sometimes, and maybe you could try that, too. No matter how hard they tried, they always knew they could not do things that came easily to other people. It was terribly frustrating for them, and they were often embarrassed by their lack of abilities, even knowing it wasn't their fault.
I'd guess he has a lot of the same feelings. Can you imagine how difficult it must be for him? This might help develop patience and tolerance for him....really important qualities in any marriage, and more so for you.
Also I'd like to mention that I count myself a very good driver, but I'm a lot more nervous in cities than in the country. And I cannot drive a big truck with a trailer on it.
My uncle is long dead, but I still remember with great fondness the way he would always greet me by patting my head and smelling my hair. He was more consistent in his affectionate greetings than any of my other relatives.
I like your postings BorisKitten
"how did you two meet, and what was it that seduced you"
One of my lifelong friends called me up (She was all in Love herself @ the time) and said I've found the perfect guy for you. She knows me pretty well. I asked the standard questions, (Kids? Prev Marr? etc.) She set up 2 dates, that I cancelled because I just was not interested in "being fixed up" Finally she was totally frustrated w/me, so I went to a Bar-B-Q, with her and her new beaux JUST TO SHUT HER UP. I had previously asked her what was wrong w/him (He Had been divorced for some years, no kids) She said "Well he does not dress very well and he could use some table manners" (She was right on both counts).
He had a small quaint home right on the Black Warrior River with a Majestic View. I could tell instantly he was a lover of the Land and Nature. He had made a pet out of a dog that was 1/2 Wolf.
Inside of 15 minutes I had decided I did not care for him. He did not like the fact that I smoked, although he chewed tobacco. (I have since quit) and His first words to me were in the form of an order to "Clear Off the Table, cause we're fixing to eat here in a minute"
Southern Male Traditional Ass*.* was my 1st impression.
As the day progressed I found he possessed alot of the Southern Male Values I did like. He never stopped working even while entertaining quite a crew. He did all the Grilling and was steady doing other things (a good ole boy form of multitasking). We enjoyed many of the same things, same taste in music (Blue Grass) Shared the same religious views (although I found his insights to God and the like amazing). He does not just talk it, he lives it. We liked the same sports, (including boating, fishing).
I also already knew he had a speech impediment (Having worked in the business office of Vocational Rehab. (Help people w/disabilities get jobs) and at the State Mental Hospital (warehouse for mostly court charged persons), I was used to people with disabilites and has long learned to look past that type stuff to explore the inner core of people.
This man had(s) the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever encountered. He truly forgives easily, helps strangers,
(Once we passed a man on the street and my not yet husband just stopped and put $10 in his shirt pocket, he stated simply I believe you need this more than I do..The man looked completely surprised but nodded and emphatically thanked him.. When I asked what made you do that, he said "Could you not see he was in need and just to proud to beg?" I had not even noticed the guy.
Also he is the happiest camper you ever met. He wakes up (EARLY) just happy to be alive. I found it amusing that even though he had a speech impediment, he never shut up. Not the least bit shy. He later told me he had finally found someone he could talk to (heart melt) and was just plain comfortable with.
From then on we spent every weekend together (I was living 60 miles away in another small town commuting to a large city (for Alabama) to work. We alternated staying at each others homes. He was the 1st man who came to my house and acted like he was meant to be there. Unsolicited he brought a riding lawnmower and cut my grass, weedeated and made minor repairs. He was helpful by nature. The fact that he was constantly working was a little annoying, but if you've got to have a flaw..
We just blended together and a year later (over his mom's objections) we married. It's been great, but over the years the "City" has moved in on us. We live in the middle of 80 acres, but the "main" hwy near us is fast becoming the Urban Surburbs of that city I work in. Conveience stores, Gas Stations popping up everywhere. It's now a 4-lane in progress (large for us). More congested everyday, more people etc.
As My husband says they are "planting houses everywhere". He also commented that he could not believe they were putting a housing project right there on the main road. I said Honey, that's not a housing project--they call them "garden homes" and the sell for over 110K ea. He said "I wouldn't live in one if they gave it to me".
All the reasons I love this man would fill a book, So I'll stop now. His world is getting smaller and I am just now seeing what happens to him when he feels "closed in". He never had many places to "write checks" before. (You'd have to experience small town life to understand). The Local Phone Co will not run a line to our house, neither will the cable co. We have a four mile driveway. But the freeway right there at the end.
So I guess this is something I knew all along, but never had to address till now. Thanks for all the suggestions, I've gotten some good info. Appreciate it. May God bless you all and your grandchildren.
Boris:
If I weren't already taken.... Lots of Love, you are one of the greats.
Aawww, gee, thanks everyone. I really like you all. I'm having lots of problems in my marriage right now, and I'm discovering that reading about & helping with other folks' problems helps a WHOLE LOT.
Hey duce, maybe this would help you too? My mess says "Problems..Marriage & Work: Equality?" What helps, I think, is finding out I wouldn't Really want to trade problems with anyone.
Duce, I think you've got a great guy there. I envy you, even knowing it must be really hard sometimes.
And despite my name/avatar, I'm female. Shoulda picked a different name, but Boris Kitten is my little love guy.
I would like to say first that I have no training in this area.
However, I would like to ask if your partner has particular 'things' he is good at? Or even excels in?
My friend has been married to a lovely man for 20+ years...he has always been considered a 'little slow' and allowances are automatic now. He has a brilliant mind for figures though, and earns a good living as an accountant, but people skills have always been difficult for him.
After many years of trying to get her husband to seek help...he did. He has recently been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome. It may be worth reading up on Autism on a reputable site or from The Autism Society to see if any of his symptoms match.
This is probably not the case with your husband, but it may be an avenue worth exploring.
Best of luck...love conquers all!
Boris:
Maybe its a Southern Thing; but down here once we make up our minds about something, we're pretty resistant to change. You all may have heard that.
I believe Love is a DECISION, followed up with COMMITTMENT, and that it becomes a Living thing.
(The 2 BECOME 1, its a process).
I have stated this in other threads. but having experienced both kinds I say "There ain't nothing better than a good man, and there ain't nothing worse than a bad one".
I know I got a good one, believe me, these little minor problems we have are not about anything compared to the ones I have had. My marriage is in no danger, I just don't want to see my man go thru any pain he does not have to. I have the desire to protect him from all harm (as he does me).
I've gotten good advice and comfort here. Sorry about the mix up, I hardly ever look at a profile, It's the person that matters and the only real clue we have in a chat room is what a person seeks and how others respond.
I take marriage seriously and hate to see ANY marriage end or suffer. BUT I know 1 thing for sure, You can't be married by yourself. It takes 2. I will pray your problems are resolved to your satisfaction. MAY GOD Bless.
