Sensitive Subject Matter-How to Approach your Spouse?

I think maybe when the next 'slow' situation occurs bring it up ;out of the blue' like youd forgotten that you found help somewhere(so it doesnt sound like you have been planning something)then let it slide.Maybe do it a couple of times but dont go on constantly.
Plant the seed so he thinks about it and let him come to you when he wants the help.

[material girl"]Iwhen the next 'slow' situation occurs bring it up:

GREAT IDEA ON THE Timing, but HOW do you bring it UP? and I have not found help. I want to explore that possiblity-Do that own my own?

There's no question that no fooling is allowed here for both your sakes. Complete trust is necessary on both sides. Acceptance of the idea must be accomplished before any definitive evaluation takes place. This is dealing with the basic belief by him of who he is and the results could be shattering. Fear of the results could place him in an extremely defensive position. Tread carefully.

AMEN, but it scares me for him to "go to town" or to ride with him. He does not give turn signals, fails to stop at traffic lights, and we have had some close calls. I try to Drive whenever we go, but he resists it sometimes. He makes excuses, like "I know but it could happen to anybody". He's so--oo sweet, but I would nevery forgive myself if something happens to him. It's just 1-2 things like this I have a hard time with, most of it I can easily adjust to.

Welcome to A2K, duce.

That is a tough situation you are in. If I were you I would just try taking to him about it. Tell him what you are worried about. Ask him if he would be willing to attend classes, or, perhaps you could help teach him. If he is unwilling, perhaps you could take over some of the more important responsibilities like finances.

Try getting him help first but if he is unwilling you just may have to put your foot down and take control of things to protect yourself from possible trouble (ie. financial loss).

Good luck.

Before saying anything you have to work out if he does have MR, then do thorough research in the nearby community you mentioned.

Hmm its gona be tricky trying to make it sound like a nice suggestion and not a putdown.

Im not much help really.
He sounds like he is a hardworker,more into physical work and long hours so he has alot of admirable qualities and you clearly love him.
I can see that you seem to want to help him and maybe bring out another side of him.

Its good advice youve been given,to tread carefully.
The unsafe driving is a worrying issue.Sweetness is no excuse.I dont think its unfair to remind him that other people use the road and he needs to pay more attention.

Stuck for ideas at the mo.

Oops! Bonehead that I am I didn't notice how new you were. A cordial welcome to a2k Duce. You'll find the usual and unusual cross section of characters here. Some helpful and some malicious. Hope you find what you're looking for.

Welcome to A2k.

Does your insurance company offer lower rates for clients who take defensive driving courses?

You can contact the State Police and ask that he be retested.

Mental Retardation cannot be cured. There are no special courses that will increase your husband's brain power. The best you can hope for is a division of labor so that you do the head work--such as financial papers.

Try to maintain a structured world with as few surprises as possible.

Good luck.

Treading lightly is what I have been doing, I took his checkbook from him recently and even though he did not fuss, I could tell he was BADLY hurt. I told him alot of people just could not handle money and it was not a big deal to be one of them. He smiled, but he was still hurt. (He knows I'm in the accounting at work so he can accept me handling most of the finances, it was just kind of an ego thing.

Driving, is another ballgame. He always says he will be more careful next time and says he was just a little distracted, cause jus the idea of being in town makes him nervous. I say that's why I should drive and he says he's ok today. We just go round on this one.

We have a "farm" exemption (Farm Tags, etc). CLASS IS NEVER an option. When I say looking for help, I am looking for basic living skills, making the most of his thought process. Maybe, We can qualify for "assistive" technology etc.

I'm not 100% sure MR and not ADHD or a learning disability is the problem. Literacy plays a BIG ROLE in this. He can learn, it just takes him AWHILE to get a new task and he has to WANT TO.

You have no idea how masterful people who can not read are. It took me forever to realize that was what was the matter alot of times.

He will do most things just because I ask, but if he needs Diesel Fuel or Feed and I am @ work, he is going to GO TO TOWN.

M Girl:

You have been a big help. He is all the things you say, and reminding him about the safety of other people cannot hurt. That's the way HE thinks.

I am not nearly as kind hearted as he. I am way more selfish. I want what's good for he & I & I have a hard time with tact and thinking like he does.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have him in my life, just because I get aggrevated with him on small tasks. I Lost 1 husband to Cancer after 16 years and married Satan's brother on the rebound, who lucky for me (ABUSIVE) dropped dead from a heart attack after 5 LONG years of marriage. No I have a wonderful relationship with a kind man who loves me dearly. I'm GRATEFUL.

Thanks Everybody for all the kudo's & welcome. All "yall" have been so kind. BUT ALL SUGGESTIONS ARE WELCOME. Please Continue.

Welcome, duce, happy you're here. This really is a tough problem, and I'm no expert. But here's my 2 cents...

If I were you, I'd learn more about MR and such on the internet. People with experience in these areas usually have Great Ideas, and posting on a relevant forum to see what other spouses/family members have done might help.

Hubby sounds like a treasure, but the driving thing bothers me, too. As a temporary measure, I'd stock up on things he goes to town for. Would he be willing to improve his driving skills JUST because you're worried about him? Could you recruit a friend/relative to give him lessons? Or is there maybe a computer game to improve driving skills he'd be willing to play? Just some ideas (wish I had better ones!)

Reading has played such an important role in my life that I can't imagine being without it. I would think it would be Really Lonely. Maybe someone else has ideas on how to get him interested in reading?

Do you read (I mean fiction, just for fun)? Sometimes my DH & I will read aloud to one another, just because we like it. It's fun to share something, then we can talk about it later. Would this help? You know, "I found this great book at the library, can I share it with you?"

I think it's great you have the checkbook....I'd stress to him you have it only because you happen to be in the field, and it's easier for you. Then remind him of all the things he's better at, and thank him for doing them.

Wish you the best of luck! Hubby sounds like a wonderful guy.

The driving thing is TOO MANY RULES ALL @ ONCE for him.. He can drive, in the country. We live on 80 acres and have more land scattered about the county. He Drives Bull Doziers, Back Hoes, and has 7 tractors,logtrucks, so Getting him to understand he should not take livestock to the "sale barn" 2 cities away. (we are talking Truck + Trailer here, oy my God,,,,) When He goes to get fuel its like 500 gallons at a time at the co-op in a fair size college town 20-30 miles away. Trailer again.

I got to work on this one awhile. TREAD LIGHTLY is good advice and I plan to continue to do so.

I would really like to hear from some people with cognitive difficulities or their families. Sometimes if he gets really frustrated, he will pitch a 2 year old fit, so I try not to upset him, because he nor I really know what to do when we are angry w/each other. WE REALLY ARE IN LOVE. If this was a work situation it would be difference, (Did I mention I'm in Mental Heath?) (Makes me feel really stupid for not picking up on all this years agao) Anyway, tact not force is what I lack and your ideas are really good. Maybe I'm getting the idea. MORE PLEASE

Welcome to a2k duce.

BorisKitten has written a nice post, there is actually
nothing to add.

Perhaps, if he is interested in learning to read you could
buy some childrens books (Dr. Seuss is great) and
he could start with the easy ones and slowly progress
into others. Practice is the game here.

As for the check book: You mentioned how hurt he was
and I am sure he feels somewhat inadequate not being
able to handle the finances of the family (some men are
oldfashioned in this). How about setting up his own account
with only a small amount of course, and let him handle
the checkbook and balance the account. It will be a challenge at the beginning, but in time he'll learn.

The driving part is a problem, you're right there. He probably won't quit driving and you have no control over
this situation while you are at work, but maybe you
could put a sticker on the car that reads "student driver"
so the other drivers will be warned and more alert.

I also wish you all the best for the future.

One thought that occurs to me is that you MUST let him know driving can be dangerous and you fear for his life. Offer a "swap". He lets you drive. Give him an option on something you can provide in exchange. This is a great measure for him to conceed to you so make him aware how important it is to give up and put no limits on what he asks in return. Make him aware that losing him is more than you can bear.

Welcome, duce.

Much of what you've written describes someone who may have an undiagnosed learning disability. I have a very close friend who was diagnosed at age 54 after her grandson was tested and diagnosed - and then her daughter was tested and diagnosed - and then the doc suggested she be evaluated. It's made an enormous difference in her approach to things - partly because she now knows that she's not slow or stupid - she simply processes things differently.

There is a lot of good research and support in these areas.

Would you say your husband was stronger in any of these ... click ... areas? (It's a site that assesses different ways people learn)

duce--

On Driving:

You might try explaining that because the way his brain is constructed, he's best when zeroing in on a project or problem and giving it his full attention.

Unfortunately his very power of focus which is one of his mental strengths is prone to sabotage from sensory overload--too many things going on at once.

One of his strong points is dealing with machinery in time and space. Unfortunately, he because of his powers of concentration he's not good at dealing with unpredictable variables--like the stupidity of other drivers.

On the Checkbook:

He's a man of action, well-equipped to deal with the Real World. He does any number of mechanical tasks that you couldn't begin to handle. On the other hand, you like number--they speak to you. You enjoy keeping the checkbook tidy.

To each his own.

How is he on managing those damnable debit slips? I know a dozen men of "normal" intelligence who treat the damnable debit slips as silly little insignificent bits of paper.

One of the joys of computer access to a bank account is being able to find both expenditures and the amounts of expenditures.

Considering the apparent disparate natures of your cognitive facilities... how did you two meet, and what was it that seduced you?
If you didn't marry for brains or conversation, was it LOOKS? (... or his body, or his money, or what?)

welcome. One of my boy cubs is what they term "educably mentally handicapped". I do everything I can to make him feel as though he is in charge of his life, I am patient with him (most of the time) and I am considerate of his feelings.

HOWEVER....I do not allow him to do things that can hurt him or are bad for him and I never will. Sometimes his feelings end up hurt. It sucks, but sometimes it can't be helped. If you must make decisions for his own good and they hurt his feelings in the short term it is unavoidable. He will know you love him though, as my cub knows I love him. Work to make that a long term reality in his mind.

You play the cards you're dealt. You have no other choice.