Wed 29 Nov, 2017 09:19 pm
I really hope someone out there is able to respond as I've tried to reach out to different forums and it seems I have been left even more confused in a lot of ways as people have stopped responding after saying things that made me question myself even more.
FYI- I am in my mid 20's.
I have always considered myself a straight woman based on my real life desires. Although I am a virgin by choice, I thought I was straight because in real life I have always noticed guys in an attraction type of way, whereas I can acknowledge a beautiful woman but without the feelings of attraction-desiring her physically or emotionally. I thought this was the way to understand your sexual orientation.
Well, certain behavior both in the past and recent have now made me confused.
-When I was 10 years old, I noticed a naked picture of a woman on a magazine and stared at it and definitely made an intention to check the picture out. I didnt fantasize bout the naked woman at this age and dont recall feeling any butterflies.
-When I was a mid teens (I am in my mids 20s now) I engaged in cyber sex with a girl (text only) and didnt go back to chatting with her after that one time. During the same age time period, I also pretended to be a boy online several times and private messaged a few girls and flirted with them-can't remember if the chats got sexual. Again, I spoke to each girl just once and didnt establish an emotional connection with them at all. During this time (16-18 years old) my internet behaviors didn't translate to real life feelings i.e. when I was at school, I never had any crushes on girls or anyone from the same sex. I also didnt analyse why I did what I did and never thought much about it.
-For a few years in my life until now I have watched lesbian content (porn, erotic movies with sexual scenes) and seen pictures of naked women( in particular one woman who i got aroused looking at was on social media and she was half dressed) and I have been turned on and have fantasized and masturbated about being with a woman. Yet again, no desire to experiment or be with women in real life.
-I follow two female celebrities (one is a famous model) and one non famous fashion model and I think I follow them for the fashion but someone told me that because I dont 100% have a solid answer for following them then that may indicate that I am attracted to them. The thing is I have never desired to be with them and have felt no arousal from looking at their pictures so does that mean I am attracted to them? In contrast, I also follow male celeb pages and some of them I think are attractive in a date-able way but I follow mainly for their content also.
-Also I've orgasmed to thought of being with a woman but have also fantasized about being with men but have not reached orgasm thinking of men (I am a virgin and find it difficult thinking what it would feel like and whilst I haven't been with a woman I do think the similar body makes it easier to think about).
-I had two brief sexual thoughts months ago (that both lasted like two or three minutes) about a female celebrity and then a female colleague. I then went to work to see if I felt anything for the female colleague and I just felt blank-no desire, no romance-just blank.
I've spent months analyzing whether I like women and have even gone so far as looking at a female colleagues chest to see if I felt anything and all I got was "you're a creep for checking her out" but felt no desire to kiss her or be with her sexually or romantically. I zero desire to even actually experiment with women and have no history of ever having a crush on a woman. When I think of who I would like to be in a relationship with, I think of men, I jsut have a low desire to actually entertain or even pursue that type of relationship. I'll most likely notice a good looking guy in a dateable way. In contrast if i see a beautiful woman, I can acknowledge her beauty without a desire to be with her.
I know thats alot (I've analysed my sexuality for the past few months). I am in my mid 20's and I've never been attracted to women and never worried so much about both past and recent behaviors being sexual orientation defining until the past few months. Now, I am beyond stressed because I feel like I am suffering from an identity crisis and keep checking women out to see if I like them and then I keep thinking "If I am bisexual or a Lesbian, how does that work if I dont even desire to experiment with women"?
I am trying to understand what my behaviors mean and what defines bisexuality and/or being a lesbian and if my behavior outlined above mean that I am no longer straight and therefore a bisexual or lesbian?
You sound a lot more asexual to me (I am not a doctor).
There's not enough information there for you to make a decision. And why the need to commit to one or the other, or both?
You need more interaction with both sexes. Not online, but real experiences.
Make a commitment to date. Ask people out. Get some experiences and that will help you shape your preferences.
Thanks Jespah. I've read into asexuality and will do some further reading. I'm not sure if its also the case that I have opened myself up to the prospect of dating as I do not desire any intimacy before marriage (anxiety over possible pregnancy, etc) and so whilst I find some guys attractive, I do not entertain dates etc as I am not ready to settle down etc.
Would you consider anything I wrote as sexual orientation defining? As this is the root of my confusion to be honest.
Thnks Punkey. Thats all the information I have based on my life experiences. I have interacted with men and women (not in a relationship type of way) and yes I can find guys attractive but women I can see as being beautiful or pretty but have no desire to be with them. I dont want to date anyone right now as I do not have the time for a relationship. I also do not desire to experiment with women and with men I do not desire intimacy before marriage as I have anxiety over possible pregnancy/stds etc so for me to be with a man I would have to know him very well and be in a committed relationship which I am not ready for.