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Sun 9 Jan, 2005 10:02 pm
Today I got a call from Mo's paternal grandparents.
Let me back up a bit....
In the beginning there was "Abuela" (Me) and "Pa" Mr. B. We were Mo's godparents, his honorary grandparents, his adorers.
Just before Mo's second birthday the proverbial s**t hit the fan in his family and he came to stay with us "for a few days" which has been really 730 days. Our two year Mo-iversay is this Wednesday.
At first, Mo's paternal grandparents kept in close contact. He would go and spend the night with them about once a month. After about 6 months they fell off of the face of the earth. I have it on very good authority that they were doing serious drugs.
A few months ago Mo's mom ran into them and reported back to me that they were no longer doing drugs, that "he" was working and that they were putting their lives back together.
Still I heard nothing from them. Christmas came and went with no call, no nothing from them or from their son, Mo's dad.
Then tonight the phone rings and its "she".
"She" tells me blahblahblah - how good life is now and says how happy she is TO HEAR THAT WE ARE ADOPTING MO.
What?
Yes, they are very happy to hear that we are adopting Mo.
Now last year Mr. B and I did go to court and gain "psychological parent" status with the state. Even then adopting is years down the road unless his parents will voluntarily terminate their rights which neither was willing to do at the time because they were all worried that the other parent would try to get him if they signed away their rights andthentherewouldbenothingtheycouldeverdoandlifewouldbeadisasterofsomesortblahblahblah.
I explained that we absolutely would like nothing better in the whole entire world than to adopt Mo but that unless bio-mom and bio-dad would terminate their parental rights there wasn't anything we could do ..... for a while.
Even though I'd slipped into the garage to prevent Mo from overhearing the conversation, Mr. B kept slipping me notes "Don't tell them anything - they might be up to something" and "Stop! Stop!" and "blahblahblah".
I've always tried to be very upfront with Mo about his complicated family. Our position in his life has no guarantees and I don't want something to pop up and shock him later. Even if we do get to adopt him there will be these complicated things so why hide it or pretend has always been my position.
By the same token I almost wish that I had lied to them and let them continue to believe that their son had no more rights. Honestly, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It seems riskier to be found out later than to be honest now.
<sigh>
Anyway. They are trying to set up a time to come see him next week.
<sigh>
<head pound>
<temple rub>
I'm sorry. This post is a mess. I'm rambling. I want my dominion back.
How do you know when to lie and when to tell the truth?
Rubbing forehead, going to kitchen...
Of course his natural family is totally screwed up. That's why you've got Mo in the first place, right?
But yeah, I know. You feel like chewing nails and spitting tacks.
<scratching chin, looking thoughtful>
Oh boomerang, I sure can emphasize with your feelings.
I don't know when you should tell the truth or tell a lie,
however I'd consider Mo's best interest first. If it is in
his best interest to lie, then do it.
He's too little to understand all the commotion and he needs
to feel secure with you. He needs assurance that no matter
what, you'll always be there for him.
I remember you saying that he was confused when he
got back from visits from the biological family and it took
him a couple of days to adjust again.
It is okay to be selfish for wanting to be with Mo permanently and having the guarantee that no one can take him away.
I admire you for taking in little Mo well knowing that
it won't be permanently, however, I do think, that in these
two years you have bonded with Mo closely, while his biological family has become more dysfunctional.
Whatever you think is best for Mo, do it, and if it involves
adoption, why not start with that?
How do you know when to lie and when to tell the truth? Good question, Boomer.
I know, it is very hard for me to lie... I am a "blurter-outer" of the worst sort, but I have learned to be a babbler-extraordinaire when I don't want to tell the actual, face-up truth.
I can babble, change the subject, get carried away, skip over whatever I'm talking about, get distracted, distract someone else, stop in the middle of the sentence, point to some natural or man-made phenomena and wax on about its beauty or uniqueness, connect it to something that happened years ago and miles away, and, in general, be forgetful about a subject whenever I want. If questioned later, I can forget the whole thing and wonder whether we ever even met that day or talked. (Are you sure? I thought I was... insert a load of practical detail of no discernable use.)
In fact, I've gotten so good at this that it carries over into regular talking and so some people think I'm a little nuts. I'm not nuts, I just don't want to talk about it.
How are you at babbling?
Here's a good distraction to remember: you're on the phone and don't want to say something.. Say instead, "Oh, oh, oh, I think... no really, I, I, omigod, I am going to have to get off... the dog's looks like it is going to throw up." Well. The dog ALWAYS looks like it could be getting ready to throw up. It is very convenient.
Best of luck and your dominion is probably more intact than you think.
Aaaaaargh.
Well, as you know, you can't lie to Mo. If you CAN'T guarantee to be always there, it is wrong to say it - dammit.
And - you DON'T know if they were testing out some waters.
I would go with no lies at all, me dear.
Dammit. This not being able to really become his legal people is a freakin' nightmare every damn time it happens. You poor darlin'. What a bummer.
Sounds as though you are on the way? Preparing the ground? This is like tickling a trout, right - only with stakes higher than anything. How you must just want to grab.
Will hugs help?
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Boomer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Boomer--
You must have moments when you wish that Mo's extended family spent the week between Christmas and New Year's on the coast of Indonesia.
Meanwhile, I don't see that The Truth has done any harm--and giving the paternal grandparents some facts (which they may or may not remember accurately--or remember at all)--has damaged nothing.
Little Mo is protected by the court order.
He's also protected by you and by Mr. B. from his blood family's peculiar ideas about on-again/off-again love.
Can you think of these people as comets with irregular orbits who will circle into your universe and then zoom out again for parts unknown?
Keep holding. This is your dominion and you hold it with grace and dignity.
After a long night of staring at the ceiling, I'm glad I didn't lie. This is not just an emotional issue but a legal issue as well. Lying about it now could spell trouble down the road.
Adoption is definately our goal. The state doesn't like to terminate a parent's rights -- even in situations like this. Unless Mo's parents willingly terminate their rights we have to just sit tight for a while. We have to go for 15 months without hearing from them to get the court to terminate their rights.
To further complicate things, the court agrees that his bio-parents are acting in his best interest by relinquishing custody at this point. They are acting in his best interest. They were acting in his best interest when they abandoned him here. Therefore they are not "unfit".
I'm really confused because Mo's dad knows all of this. He has all of the legal papers from the previous court proceding. He knows his rights haven't been terminated - only that he would have to go back to court if he ever wanted to reestablish custody.
Why would he tell his parents anything different?
It makes me feel terrible not to be able to make him guarantees. I follow a lot of custody issues and I know that bio-parents almost always win in courts. I hope it never comes to that but you just never ever know. If it ever does come to that I will need people from both sides of his family on my side - on Mo's side - everyone agrees that our home is the best place for him.
Honesty is the pits but I can't kid myself and I can't kid the kid so its probably best that I don't try to kid anyone else right now either.
Thank you all for your replies. I need some hand holding and hugs and good vibes and prayers and whatever you might want to provide. It helps to have a place to rant and ramble.
I think I can help with a hug...
((((((((((
))))))))))
And with wishing you the best of luck!
You have my prayers, my hand and a big (((((HUG))))).
Hang in there.
Quote:Why would he tell his parents anything different?
Maybe he's just telling them what they want to hear. You weren't able to lie and that's a good thing, but maybe he was.
{{{{hugs}}}} from me too.
Oh my boomer I only just saw this.
Arghhhh...!
Random impression -- it doesn't sound like this is the most together of families. I wouldn't be surprised if miscommunication ran rampant. Therefore, I also wouldn't be surprised if this were just the result of some weird but not nefarious miscommunication.
I think your instinct to keep them on your side is a very, very good instinct.
What does "not hearing from them for 15 months" mean in terms of the parents? Does it have to be them, directly? Are the grandparents considered proxies in any way?
How long (dare I ask) has it been for the parents?
Also, does it matter if it's THEM or one of them? Like, if you don't hear from the mom for 15 months, can you start proceedings to have her rights terminated? And then do the dad's rights separately, later?
So damn complicated. And such an impossible line between keeping up goodwill/ being accomodating and being hardnosed so you don't have to live with this kind of fear and uncertainty.
I think the longer Mo is with you, the better chance you have at making this permanent. I haven't been following-following court cases, but whenever I happen across one I read it 'cause I'm thinking of you guys, and my generally clueless opinion is that the courts tend to prefer to keep a child in the home he's known unless there are extreme circumstances at that home (abuse, whatever.)
As a last random observation, whatever the miscommunication's origin, for some reason what I take from it is that Mo's dad is amenable to the idea of adoption. Maybe preparing the ground for his parents. Seeing how they reacted, something.
I think truth was best, good for you.
Sorry I wasn't any more help last night. I could see the conundrum and lit off to make soup...
I am a lie avoider, not because I am such a moral person, though it is a moral for me; I like the simplicity, it feels right not to, I don't like the wall it puts in place, and lieing historically carries problems in its trail.
I've never lied to my niece, who has had much family drama surrounding her (I've not been in your exact position, but I'm a fulcrum in her life) - but I have sometimes held back data. She's always been a good little observer though, so my role has been more one of helping her make sense of things and helping her feel these people have loved her in their way, at least when I can find a ray of that kind of light. Some situations I wasn't able to cushion, except by being in her life as someone she can count on loving her. This remains true even though we live far away from each other now.
So I am glad you have worked out your feelings on this, boomer, and send big fat hugs.
Oh I forgot the hugs.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((boomer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you all. I do appreciate it. It is nice to feel heard on this subject. Out here in the real world it is much more confining as to who/what/when/where/why I can discuss it.
Did any of you read this:
http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=42082&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
(I hope I did that right.)
I've been hitting my mental rewind button all morning.
It was really weird - I got a call from Mo's mom just minutes before the other call. "B" just called to tell me that she had bought a new car. Minutes later the phone rings and it is (let's just call her Ms. Winnie she she is the owner of the infamous Winnie).
I have a feeling she called B and got pawned off on me. Okay. That I can deal with.
I'm still working out my feelings and thoughts and nausea. I think I'll take a cue from Morganwood and go mow the yard. It is Festivus Eve - the kickoff to the weeklong celebration of Mo's moving in and his birthday - we'll be having firecrackers tonight to start things off - the yard needs to be picked up in preparation - other plans need to be made - distractions thought up - you know.....
The world is full of people who make conversation without substance. You and Mr. B. are not Adoptive Parents--you know that.
Mo's Biological Father either doesn't know the difference between temporary placement and adoption
or he feels the difference doesn't matter
or he's tired of his parents bugging him on the subject
or he thinks "adoption" means he's not a bad guy for not visiting
or his current bimbo doesn't want to share him with Mo....
Fathoming the mind of a child is much easier than fathoming the mind of a confused adult with little general information and a major ego problem.
On lying: Nothing is ever gained (and much can be compromised) by lying about matters that can be verified. Unfortunately, you and Mr. B. have "adopted" any number of members of Mo's "real" family without your informed consent.
As long as you remain as a truthful voice of sanity, you may improve the situation. You will certainly keep it from deteriorating.
Inspiration just struck: Mo's father told his parents Mo was adopted so that Mo's father wouldn't have to come up with a Christmas present for his kid or make arrangements for his parents to see the kid.
That boy knows the line of least resistance by instinct.
Hold your dominion.
Well that's freaky as heck. (The link, hadn't seen it.)
Seems like there are a lot of significant differences, though. The guy was actively contesting the adoption from the very beginning, etc.
I saw in your response there that you haven't heard fromt he father since June so ~6 more months and you can start terminating his rights -- that answers one of my questions.
God that's freaky though. The poor kid.
I like Noddy's inspiration, makes a lot of sense.
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