I had to call God into my office Friday afternoon

BTW, a lot of us are already working really hard and won't take kindly to having to be the ones to pick up the slack. Just so you know. I mean. Monday morning... It won't be me cleaning up the break room.

Have you given any thought to who will get His office?

I dearly hope the smoting don't get to our little town of Tomball.

Are you accepting resumes, Joe?

I think I can do the job. I can't do miracles or anything, but I can type, and I can be very mysterious if needed. Also, I'm a very good listener. I'll send you my resume in the morning, with a tape of me doing my booming supreme being voice. It's gonna knock your socks off!

i think it's time you consider minorities. a woman should get the job. no more wars and the world will be a lot more tidy.

The smiting thing was really part of the dependability problem. You got yourself the inside track with God because you're obeying and tithing and being humble and all and what you'd reallllly like is for God to smote your enemies. So what happens? Sometimes he would smote and sometimes your guys would get smoted. Getting smoted is no picnic, folks, you got dead to take care of and the lame and then, for like months, you have to listen to the lamentations of your women.

And there is, or was, the problem of unnecessary smiting. Four hurricanes across Florida last year? Why? Too many people leaving their signal flicker on after changing lanes? And it wasn't that thing about voting for Bush either, a lot of places voted against Bush and got smited. We are still cleaning up here at the World Trade Center.

Oh yeah, that wasn't God's doing, even though Jerry Falwell said it was, at first, till he realized what an idiotic statement that was. Anyway, that was work of humans, right. See? That's God's out in all this. If it's just humans smiting humans and raping and pillaging and invading and persecuting and putting small pox on the Indian blankets, that's not His fault. Why? Cuz he gave us free will. What a scam. Gives us free will so he doesn't have to cop to any of that stuff, even though it all a violation of his laws, God doesn't have to take the blame.

But this tsunami. Hey, it wasn't us. It was him. What are we supposed to think about a guy who sweeps babies from the arms of mothers and sweeps them out to sea? Who crushes fishing villages into rumble on a sweetly warm Sunday morning? The guy's a little whack if you ask me. SO I had to fire him. Now if it happens again we know it's just Nature. Nature we know has no answers, no promises, it just allows us to be here, subject to change without notice. I can live with that.


Prior to the recent fire-ee's employment, his position was held by a myriad of lesser personalities, god of the stone, god of the woods, fire-god, bird-god, fish-god, moon. There was a move to consolidate the office about 4,000 years ago and that has been an on-going, but never quite successful process. Some blame the communication problem on humans but that gets back to the free will cop-out thing. I believe that had the most recent holder of the office shown some real intuitive he could have revealed a better nature in all of us, instead he stood by most of the time or exposed a slightly mad part about himself as when he subjected the poorest people in the world to the Ebola virus. Simply irresponsible behavior for a loving god.

In regards to Dag's question about having a woman do the job: sorry, already been tried. In fact, the earliest versions of the god-idea were goddesses, earth-mothers. That what all that going down into caves to make the drawings was all about, getting closer to the earth. The idea fell victim to several things, mostly men's resistance to being pushed around officially by females and looking up towards heaven seemed to have a more exciting theme to it, what with the moon chasing the sun and all. All that ended with the consolidation movement.

So, here's the thing, kids. We are on our own now, but be not sore afraid, for thus was it ever so. We just thought different, and were told different, but we were always here on our own.

Joe (going lay down my sword and shield) Nation

Yes but a male God only wants to talk about his feelings every Sunday and Wednesday evening. With a female God it would never f*#king end......

Well, that explains it:

I had also called God into my office last Friday, but, as usual, he was a no-show. We fed-exed his termination papers and severance pay. He had no vacation pay due because of this whole no-show problem.

Randy Newman said it: he HAD to go.......

God's Song (That's Why I Love Mankind) Lyrics
Artist: Randy Newman

Cain slew Abel, Seth knew not why
For if the children of Israel were to multiply
Why must any of the children die?
So he asked the Lord
And the Lord said:

Man means nothing, he means less to me
Than the lowliest cactus flower
Or the humblest Yucca tree
He chases round this desert
'Cause he thinks that's where I'll be
That's why I love mankind

I recoil in horror fro the foulness of thee
From the squalor and the filth and the misery
How we laugh up here in heaven at the prayers you offer me
That's why I love mankind

The Christians and the Jews were having a jamboree
The Buddhists and the Hindus joined on satellite TV
They picked their four greatest priests
And they began to speak
They said, "Lord, a plague is on the world
Lord, no man is free
The temples that we built to you
Have tumbled into the sea
Lord, if you won't take care of us
Won't you please, please let us be?"
And the Lord said
And the Lord said

I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind
You really need me
That's why I love mankind

Seems to me that Joe just brushed right by the real importance of God. I'm surprised no one caught it: Football.

How is God to monitor the tsunamis when there's a football in the air, spiraling its way toward a sprinting receiver? God must guide that ball into the receiver's hands. Then, as God looks down at the grateful athlete on his knees in the endzone, solemnly doing the sign of the cross, he will know the true import of his being.

It is very unfortunate that nary a football is found in Indonesia.

That was their undoing.

snood. Trust me, Im a stickler about this employment records and termination thing. if I were to get a call from an agency that was trying to place God in some suitable position Id have to say something like

yes, god was our principaal omnipotent being that worked for our outfit for thousands of years. He was our first attempt at having a cEO god ( single god )and we did place upon him all sorts of responsibilities like monitoring the falling of each sparrow, to covering the spread on the Green bay gaame. He was always in his office as anyone could tell and, while there were a b unch of conflicting and often openly senseless rules that he imposed, we were pretty satisfied.Thats all I can say, you undersatnd the employment practices rules and all

well, he was terminated because we felt that it was time for a new paradigm for the whole outfit. One that stressed more self-reliance tthan all these undecipherable rules and signs and "whose on our side" You know, crap like that..

Would we have him back? well, tell the truth, weve kinda grown past the need for an omnipotent being with all the cards, our needs have changed since the beginning and , well, with all this technology hes heelped us put togeether(were doin okay)
So wed have ta say thaat we really dont need a "wagon wheel " crafter anymore . But Ill tell ya , the guy can tell a story. Hed have you blowing an entire days work with his brimstone and pestilence stuff. I tell ya hes a real interesting guy , but, Im afraid, for our outfit, he just doesnt fit in anymore. its not him , its us.

Far be it from me to tell you who you can hire or fire, but Joe....don't you know better than to fire somebody in a position of responsibility without first finding a better replacement?

Uh...no replacement, you say? You can handle things without Him? You're eliminating the position, and the job duties are being transferred to...who? You?

Somehow I just can't picture you carving canyons and answering the prayers of millions. Sometimes you don't even return my e-mails for several days.

Oh well. I guess if you've fired him, he'll just have that much more time for those of us who want to keep him on our payroll. So everything'll work out fine.

Oops, I gotta go now. God says that after you brought up the whole contract issue, He's decided to review his contract with me. He says I haven't been holding up my end of things lately. See what you started? Thanks a lot, Joe. Now you've given Him ideas.

Wow, Joe...this has hit me like a lightning bolt.

I thought he was dead!

Really.

In fact, I'd almost swear I read somewhere that he was dead!


Jeez.

It hit me like a lightning bolt.

Not that I've ever felt what it is like to be hit with a lightning bolt.

Keep notes if you happen to get hit with one, Joe.





Not that I'm suggesting that....

...well, you know.

Vengeful?
Remember when you fired that one guy and all your delivery truck windshields got smashed that night?
Sure, you couldn't prove anything, but you know who did it....
And you thought that that fella was a nice, sorta wimpy guy...
Now you've gone and fired someone who has Vengeful in their job description.
Sheesh

Gotta go with Moishe on that one. There ain't been any new pillars of salt lately.

Farmerman:



...well, ya got that right.

He's been "phoning it in" for years...

No, he didn't.

It's nominative after the verb "to be".

Thanks, dlowan. I worry about shyte like that, every time I'm ironing doilies.

I love a man who irons his doilies!!!

I am too lazy - so I had to give up the whole doily thing....



(Sometimes I joke, Snood.)