Can I tell you my story?

I'm a married woman and I had a 1 night stand with a woman. Before ill wishing me, please hear me out. I was sexually abused as a child by a man and a woman also, my family were unfaithful to their spouse, divorce was common, my mother has 6 children to 5 different men. I went through boyfriend after boyfriend at high school, and cheated on one, I was promiscuous and had no idea of how to be in a relationship.
When I left home I had a lesbian relationship for 2 years, I was flirty but I didn't think so, she was a big woman, and mentally and physically abused me to the point she dragged me by my hair and kicked me in the stomach repeatedly, I attempted suicide and ended up in hospital for 3 days. I left the relationship, she stalked me and didn't leave me alone until I entered another relationship with my now husband. I was still in the same mind-set, freely talking to guys without a thought of how my then boyfriend now husband felt about it. It caused problems and he became extremely jealous, it didn't help that other guys kept commenting about me to him. His jealousy turned to rage, and he became physically abusive, and controlling. I couldn't see why he was so upset, and put it down to being controlling. As time went on he became emotionally and mentally abusive. I couldn't see that my talking and laughing with guys was making him so insecure, I had been this way my whole life, it was normal for me.
He spent more and more time with his friends and wouldn't let me go out. I got pregnant and it all escalated to the point I ended up packing a bag and leaving. We eventually got back together, I had another baby, long story short, the vicious cycle never slowed down or stopped it just got worse and worse. I attempted suicide again and went to hospital, I became bulimic which helped deal with how I was feeling, my self esteem was extremely low, and I was depressed.
His friends were number 1, he was always going out I was always staying home, if I did go out on the odd occasion I would get absolutely blind drunk. We eventually moved away to start fresh, the relationship went from bad to worse, the physical, mental and emotional abuse became daily, I was so depressed I would sit in a room and punch myself or binge eat and purge.
I got pregnant again but had a miscarriage, I had a mental breakdown. The relationship went over and over in an abusive cycle of absolute hate, I couldn't leave because I had no where to go and no money. We moved again, I got pregnant and had another baby. Everything stayed the same stuck in that cycle, I would wish he would have a car accident and not come home, I hated him but loved him and couldn't leave. We fought all the time, daily. We ended up getting married, biggest mistake I made. Nothing changed. I was so mentally unstable by that time after 12 years of it all, I would cut myself. I turned to alcohol to take me out of my life, I became an alcoholic. His constant abuse withered everything about myself to nothing. I had 2 more mental breakdowns. After another 4 years of this something happened, I had birthday drinks with a friend and my husband picked me up, he was angry because I wasn't waiting outside, we had a big argument, we got to a set of lights and I got out of the car and ran off and hid so he couldn't find me, I hated him, I was afraid of him. I was a mess, I slept in the long grass, I walked, ran,
took my bra off kept my top on, hoping some creep would kidnap me a rape me to punish me then kill me and put me out of my misery. My husband found me and punched me repeatedly on the back of my head before pushing me into the car, I got out and ran off, the police stopped me and took me home. 2 weeks later, I was drinking with another friend, a woman, we were extremely drunk, this is when I cheated on my husband, I wish it never happened and hate myself for what I did. I now feel like my husband deserves better, I'm now the person he had always accused me of being. I'm racked with guilt and shame. I have told him, his reaction has made me feel like the horrible person I am. I want him to be happy, I have offered him a way out so he can start fresh with someone else but he doesn't want to. I feel ashamed that my children have witnessed us arguing and him being physically abusive toward me in the past. He is full of anger, he always has been. I've tried my hardest to be a good Mum, my children and I are very close. The only thing I've ever done right in my life was to be a good Mum the best I can. I want my husband to find happiness with someone else because we destroy each other but he wants us to stay together. The abuse has mellowed out a lot, it's been around 4 months since he last physically abused me, strangled me.
Please help with some advice