Last year's headlines

[ACTUAL]

HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[weren't they fat enough?!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[nuff said!]