Tue 7 Nov, 2017 03:13 pm
Hello, I am 55 and have been seeing a man aged 66 for about a year and a half. I lost a partner about 2 years ago and he lost a partner about four years ago. I thought we had each grieved these relationships and were ready to move when we met. We also understood each other in this way and were willing to give each other the space we need to grieve. For example I have listened to stories about her and he has listened to stories about my former partner. My stories are always about some funny screwed-up experience we had. His are always about how she was God-like, the hardest working, the kindest and the best person ever who was abused and hard done by her whole-life. She wasn't. To hear others tell it she was good-looking but that was about it.
He has always had trouble with boundaries. He's a rescuer so whenever anybody calls (especially the female friends he's had for many years) he goes running. We have had words about this before. So fast forward by a twist of fate we meet his dead partner's daughter (aged 40) at a conference. She lives in a different city and asked if she can keep in touch with me. This is the first time she has seen my partner since her mother died. She and her sister did not keep in touch with him. So she and I keep in touch by text as a some as I am a high level at the conference we were at and she says she would like a mentor. That went well for a while until she and her sister (aged 35) come into town. They called me and asked if my partner would like to visit with their grandmother ( his dead partner's mother) because she is in the hospital. I ask him he says sure and we go to visit. I take my leave, the grandmother has no idea who he is and the youngest daughter starts showing him pictures of her baby. The visit is short and I figure this is just a one time thing and we'll go back to me mentoring the eldest daughter so I am gracious about it. About a week later, they are back in town call him directly by passing me (meaning his phone number changed hands somewhere in there) and they want him to go for lunch with him. He, having no boundaries says sure and invites me. I do not want to sit around for hours and talk about this God-like dead partner so I join them later but by now I am seeing this as a clear over stepping of boundaries. I am also in the dark about how often they are contacting him now that they have his direct number. When I get to the table it is the most depressing lunch ever as they are discussing a)how fantastic his dead partner/their mother is (she was once a drug-addicted hooker and had those daughters taken away) is and b) money - they are crying broke and priming him like a pump as their mother got a free ride off him through their entire relationship. At the end of the lunch he yells "I love you girls" across the parking lot. Keep in mind they haven't contacted him for four years. I remain in the dark as to how often they are contacting him on his cell phone now but I'm beginning to see them as a nuisance. I ask him. He explodes and tells me that they were once a family (the daughters were on their own when he dated her mother and the eldest did not talk to her for years) We lasted for one more week and I kicked him to the curb as on-going contact with these daughters to dredge up memories of their dead mother through him and him through them is not going to happen if he is with me. I told the daughters exactly what I thought as well. There are just too many people showing up and hanging around in this relationship for me including the dead woman. If they were his biological kids absolutely, if it was a one time thing absolutely, if they were 12 years old and orphaned absolutely, if he raised them from birth absolutely, if they had been in touch the whole time and when he and I started seeing each other absolutely, if they did not have a biological dad absolutely, if they had boundaries when he is in a relationship and trying to get on with his life and showed up once in a while, absolutely, if the eldest daughter had stuck to the original agreement we had and called me as she had been doing absolutely -- there are a million scenarios I would have tolerated but this is not one of them. This feels very slippery on the daughters' part and on my former partner's part yet I am being told that I'm the bad guy . In my mind there is no reason on earth for them to have his cell number or to even be contacting him as often as they do. I am ok with being the bad guy in this scenario and doing well. I have said my piece very assertively to everyone (ie: the daughters) involved although my partner and I had a few barn-burners before I walked out and in those I wasn't so assertive. He went deer hunting so we have not been in touch. I sent two possibly three text messages to the daughter and her sister both stating my displeasure and asking them to put themselves in my shoes and think about how they would like me frequently contacting their partners if I was part of his past life if they are even capable and will still mentor her if she wants because I am a woman of my word and stick to my agreements. I am at peace with all my actions and will end the relationship but want to know from objective people: "Does this sound fishy to you or did I overreact?
Thank God you broke up with him.
No one should have to put up with someone like you.
Great answer! I appreciate the candor. It is exactly what I want. Would you mind elaborating on why you think no one should have to put up with someone like me?
He clearly has too much baggage for you, so move on.
He's not through grieving and is hanging in to anything left of his wife. Yes, they might be swindlers or have honest intentions, but that's for him to find out. Not for you to call.
Best to move on and let him navigate through all this by himself.
It would be too difficult for you to watch.
Yes, it is definitely not my call. I appreciate you pointing that out. I've said all I can say
My great-grandmother died in childbirth along with the infant. My great-grandfather remarried about 3 years later and my step-great grandmother destroyed or mutilated every picture of her she could get her jealous hands on. She was so jealous of a dead woman she beat my grandmother so badly when she was around 4 my great great grandparents arrived with a shotgun to rescue Julia. She had been beaten bloody with a hair brush.....(This was in Baltimore around 1910). Do his family a solid and leave him alone.
Hi Glitter bag, they are not his family. He dated their mother for a few years basically rescuing her from the gutter and then she died. These are her grown up children and he was not in the room when they were conceived or born nor did they live as a family. They showed up after four years of noy contacting him looking for money from him so this is not exactly the same scenario but I understand what you are saying, have dumped him and will let him and these daughters do their thing
The nice thing about dating as opposed to a formal marriage is that if your partner's behavior is driving you up the wall you don't have to put up with it. If you want to invest the time and energy it would take to possibly save this relationship you can but from what you've shared it doesn't seem likely. It smells fishy to me ('yes') and I don't think you've overreacted ('n0') but I've only heard your side of the story so I don't think I can offer much specific advice. I guess my message is, if you don't like what's going on it might be time to move on.
And I have. I was looking for objective opinions rather than advice so what you offered was perfect. I was a bitch about it and now have apologized to all for my delivery and the nastiness i spewed but have still taken a hard line on being unwilling to have people i do not trust in my life. I have moved on with grace instead of animosity and it feels much better than storming out in a huff. Thanks for your help.
Good. Thats good for everybody, if the people he cares about don't care about him, you can avoid the heartache.
It would be great if you would back up your answer instead of hitting and running. Care to Elaborate?