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Ex contacted me after six months, what to do

 
 
nicky13
 
Reply Tue 31 Oct, 2017 08:00 pm
Ex boyfriend who I still think about every day contacted me a few days ago.

We broke up properly a year ago, he started dating someone else soon after (rebound, he met her after we split), then tried to come back to me..... I was pretty angry and didn't want a bar of him. I saw him a few times and I still loved him but I couldn't get over the jealousy that he'd been with someone else straight away. Also - his best friend told me a few things about stuff he'd done with other girls, it sounded like he'd screwed around quite a bit after we broke up. I confronted him with his friend's text messages and he got really defensive about it, angry , said that it was all lies etc.... To be fair I don't know if his friend had ulterior motives. They're not friends anymore, after that.

Fast forward about six months from then, no contact, then out of nowhere
he contacts me the other day. I'd always missed him and so we started messaging each other, agreed to see him this weekend - which is actually his birthday weekend too. But on thinking about it I chickened out, I don't want to risk that if I see him again, I'll still be in love but he won't, and how jealous or hurt I'll feel if he's seeing other girls.

He did say that he's single and hasn't been interested in meeting anyone, but his facebook page, there's other girls liking his photos and complimenting him, which I still feel jealous over. Which is stupid cos we've been over for so long.

I have tried to move on myself but can't, I just think about him if I go on a date with someone else so what's the point.

Feel so stupid. I messaged him and said I had to raincheck this weekend, that I didn't want to get hurt and he was all disappointed and said he wasn't trying to hurt me, but.... now I'm wondering if I should just see him anyway?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,565 • Replies: 21
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PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 06:11 am
Why did you break up?
Darkangel13
 
  2  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 12:24 pm
@nicky13,
Start out as friends again and start from there if it progresses any further just take things slow so you don't get hurt again and if you still do don't let him see it show him what he's missing your a strong independent woman who can stand up for herself be that woman you have power even if you don't know it. Use that power to your advantage and if he still breaks your heart he's a dick
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 01:27 pm
@nicky13,
Probably a good idea to give his birthday weekend a miss.

If you're interested, invite him out on an afternoon date on another weekend. No evening dates for a while. Coffee, museums, parks, sports, galleries, hikes etc. No drinks, dancing, parties for at least a couple of months. Give yourself a chance to get to know each other again.

Think about why you broke about during this period. Make sure this is really someone you want to spend time with again. Not just romantic time but proper time getting to know each other as true friends.

Be honest with him about it. You're trying to be friends first. If that works out, maybe something else could build on it.

But no to birthday weekend. No to Christmas parties other than afternoon ones like tree-trimming parties and the like.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 01:29 pm
@nicky13,
nicky13 wrote:
there's other girls liking his photos and complimenting him, which I still feel jealous over. Which is stupid cos we've been over for so long.



actually it's stupid just because it's stupid

if you can't handle other people liking a friend/partner's posts, you are not in a good place for a relationship

you may need some help with that

jealousy over a third party's actions is not conducive to any kind of healthy relationship
0 Replies
 
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 06:19 pm
@PUNKEY,
Broke up over his drinking, mostly.
And him going out all night/being unreliable.
0 Replies
 
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 06:21 pm
@Darkangel13,
I don’t think we’d be capable of being “just friends”.

We were together several years, living together most of them, and have been through an awful lot together.

I don’t think he’d be capable of being “just friends” with me, either, unless a LOT has changed.
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 06:29 pm
@ehBeth,
Was not intending to go out all night with him - had agreed on lunch (initially).

I don’t know. Given the history I can’t help wondering if there’s a reason he contacted me right before his birthday. Or perhaps I’m just too much closer romantic.

My best gf thinks I should just see him. I think maybe I will, just lunch can’t hurt after all. Maybe walk the dog along the beach after. No alcohol.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 07:25 pm
@nicky13,
Give an afternoon get-together a try.

Not on the birthday weekend.

If things go well, keep it at an afternoon visit level for at least a month (I'd recommend longer).

Work on the friendship side of things.

Don't let him push the romance (and don't push it yourself). He has to prove he can be a good friend first. If you can't be friends, there's no point in going further. Really.

Worst case - you can't be friends and you remember why you're not good together.

Good case - you determine that you can be good friends going forward, but romance isn't in your future.

Better case - you build a strong friendship base and try a relationship again.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 07:28 pm
@nicky13,
nicky13 wrote:
just lunch can’t hurt after all.


just not on the birthday weekend

it's too obviously a play on your emotions

do come out for my birthday, stay for birthday drinks, birthday kiss, birthday **** etc etc

ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 07:29 pm
@nicky13,
nicky13 wrote:

I don’t think we’d be capable of being “just friends”.


without a good base of strong friendship there's really no point
0 Replies
 
Medusax
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 07:54 pm
@nicky13,
An ex is an ex for a reason. Leave it in the past. It isn't going to be any better the second time around.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 08:08 pm
@Medusax,
I'll disagree with that as being a 100% rule. Sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get it right , especially if in the first round a couple skipped the friendship stage. If you can go back, set up a strong friendship first, it can sometimes work.
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 10:46 pm
@ehBeth,
Yep, I have several friends who didn’t work out the first time, but got back together later on and ended up very happy together.

Including one couple whose wedding I attended a few months back 😊 who are pretty much as happy as anyone could dream of being. While another couple are engaged and living together.

I don’t think any of them became “friends only”, first, though..... more like in both cases, both parties had grown and matured and when they had the opportunity to try again, we’re 100% committed to making it work.

I guess that’s the scary thing, is knowing whether someone is committed to doing things “right” the second time around, or whether it’s still be the same.
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Wed 1 Nov, 2017 10:49 pm
@ehBeth,
I’d already agreed to lunch with him before I saw the comment - I think it’s be pretty bad form if I cancelled on him again though!! So will just stick to lunch (like we’ve said).

Trying to see it from his perspective, he’s reached out to me and ..... it’d be pretty hurtful if I cancelled on his birthday.

Agreed that I don’t want to sleep with him though. Not straight away, that would be too soon and like you say I need to take things slow, build a more stable foundation.
Darkangel13
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 12:16 pm
@nicky13,
well then just start out slow and see how things progress
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 07:17 pm
Unless he's done a real turn around re: the drinking and unreliable (probably cheating) behavior, then he is just going around in circles and stopping at you.

Be sure you aren't a rebound woman. You are very vunerable right now. Be cautios instead.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 08:12 pm
@nicky13,
If you absolutely have to do the birthday lunch, put a time limit on him. Let him know you have plans at 2 or 2:30 p.m. , and leave the lunch at 1:30/2 p.m. No excuses.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Thu 2 Nov, 2017 08:14 pm
@nicky13,
Well the stats aren't that great on couples making it work on the second or third try. I think I've known maybe three couples make it long-term in the 45 years since I started dating.

The only ones who survived long-term were the ones who went back to the start and developed a friendship rather than a romance. Not easy, but worth the effort for the couples that did make it.
0 Replies
 
nicky13
 
  1  
Reply Fri 3 Nov, 2017 11:48 pm
@ehBeth,
Yep..... lunch became just coffee instead (I was running late) and was pleasant but a bit weird to see him.

I had stuff to do afterwards, so couldn’t hang around too long anyway. I don’t know.

We hugged at the end and he kinda squeezed me tight and picked me up, which was kinda cute and made me giggle a bit, we kissed goodbye.

Talked about maybe catching up tomorrow but he was very much like “if you want to”, like it felt like he was trying not to push me at all.

He said he’s been really depressed, that he feels like he’s having a midlife crisis or something. He mentioned something about his “sponsor” at one point which made me wonder if he was trying AA again but I could also smell alcohol on him so I guess the booze is still an issue.

It was weird. I do still love him. That much is definite.
0 Replies
 
 

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