Ex-FWB slept with someone very soon. Why does it hurt so much?

Reply Wed 25 Oct, 2017 06:11 am
This guy and I were fwb for about a year. I'll admit, I'm actually quite relieved it's over.

The whole thing started for the wrong reasons and we didn't get along at all. It was very on-and-off. We kept coming back because of loneliness and great sex and I guess we ended up developing some kind of bond.

He started becoming very sweet with me and told me that I was very special to him and that he could really see a future with me. The thought of me being with other guys would make him jealous and he told me he couldn't imagine touching another girl.

I didn't mention that we actually dated for like 4 weeks earlier within the year that we'd known each other and it was DISASTROUS. So of course I didn't openly reciprocate his feelings or even really acknowledge them because I knew that we just weren't right for each other.

Anyway, something happened, we got into a bad fight, and I just realized I deserved better than what I was allowing myself to get and that what we had was very unhealthy. I told him I was completely done and I blocked him from everything I had.

I just found out that the literal day after I did this, he hung out with this girl he knew and slept with her. And that wasn't even what bothered me the most. Throughout our whole "thing", he always made me feel insecure for the fact that I wasn't his type or what he was used to. The girl he slept with? EXACTLY his type.

I felt utterly rejected and thrown away. It hurt that he could say I was so special to him and that he felt so deeply for me and that he couldn't imagine touching another girl, and then the moment I leave, take that ALL back like he never meant any of it.

I know I shouldn't care. We were only fwb and I was the one who ended things. But it really got me deeply depressed. I think maybe it's a self-esteem thing. I always felt like I was worthless/forgettable and here he is just confirming that.

Please help.
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Reply Wed 25 Oct, 2017 06:46 am
It hurts to feel you can be replaced so easily. Your reaction is 100% understandable.

What to do?

Seek solace in work or school, your hobbies, your friends. Make yourself busy, whether it's to hook a rug or complete the big work presentation early. Be so busy that you get into the zone and don't think about him or this. I can't promise you'll never feel bad about this again, but you'll at least minimize that time and won't be wallowing in it.

And, next time, don't allow yourself to fall into the FWB trap. I keep watching people coming and going in here who are in FWB situations and, inevitably, somebody stops feeling it's a throwaway, and starts to believe it's something more. This uneven disconnect makes people miserable, and it screw with their heads.

I am not saying you need to go back to 1950s style dating but seriously consider having a relationship where you are courted or you do the courting, where there are dinners and movies out, and you have activities where your clothes are on and you actually meet each other's families and friends. And while that may or may not be love, it will be a far better way for you to treat others, and for you to be treated.
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Reply Thu 26 Oct, 2017 05:32 am
You threw this guy to the curb (justified) and are so surprised that he got up and immediately found another FWB?

That's his MO. That's what he is.

Perhaps counseling will help you figure out why you sought comfort in this kind of relationship.
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