How do I help my parents understand?

im beginning to realize that my parents arent going to understand any time soon, so in the meantime im going to try to understand MYSELF first and try to help myself first. and if i begin to find that its just not helping without the help of others then i will totally confront my parents about it.

i started school again today. we were on xmas break. so i think having something to do gets my mind off of the things that bother me and get me upset.

Being 16 is hard. No one ever said it was easy. In fact, I wouldn't be 16 again if someone paid me a 100 billions dollars. Aside from the pressure to "get into a good college", the need to fit in with your peers combined with the desire to be your own person and dealing with the physical and hormonal changes in your body there are a hundred other things I imagine you could tell us are stressful in your life. Being a teenager is, and never has been, easy.

However, cutting yourself is not the answer. You know that. You know it is harmful or you'd never have posted here. Being sad and having mood swings is normal. Cutting yourself because you feel like that's the only way you can feel ok is not normal. Depression will eat away at you until you just don't want to fight anymore. I know. I've been dealing with it most of my life. I can relate to your feelings of just wanting to be alone. Sometimes in high school, I'd just go and sit in a corner down the hall at lunch to avoid seeing anyone. It's ok to want to be alone sometimes. It's ok to be sad. But it isn't ok to hurt yourself.

You said that cutting is like drugs. I agree with you. So is depression for some people. I know that sounds silly but i know you've met or know that person who, no matter what, is always complaining, always unhappy, always looking for what is wrong instead of trying to enjoy what is good. The person who is always misrable. It becomes comfortable to be depressed because we can't remember how it was before we were depressed. So we continue to do the things that are within our comfort zone, even though we know they are not the "right" things to be doing. Change is hard. Taking the first step by admitting that something isn't right is good. Now you need to have the courage to take action.

Tell your parents that you want to see someone. Show them where you cut yourself. I find it hard to believe that any parent who loves their child would not respond to seeing their childs arms/legs cut up, knowing that the child has self-inflicted those wounds. If your parents will not repond to you, talk to your grandmother, your uncle, your aunt, your teacher. Anyone with the power to find you help or talk to your parents about the kind of help you need.

I wish you the best of luck. You will be ok. And it isn't always this hard.

I agree with you Kristie except there are unfortunately parents out there who, for whatever reason, can't accept that their children need outside help. Maybe it's a social stigma or maybe they've just got their head in the sand, or it might be financial but some parents do react with a 'well, just don't do that anymore' response and can't get past why that doesn't end it. Shanaynay didn't come here asking how to stop, she wants to make her parents accept that this works for her and understand what she's going through. That's a huge leap for most parents and doesn't happen overnight. The amazing thing is that for some people things relax around the house and the triggering events that have her so uptight start to go away once the parents are onboard. I'm not for a minute suggesting her parents 'cause' her to cut. She does that on her own. Every time she cuts she could choose something else instead, but she likes it and what it brings her. However, there might be some things going on in her life that the parents could help dissipate once they get past the OMG stage and start working with her (and getting her a therapist) to work on the underlying issues.

Shanaynay, you need to work on what's causing the depression and the best way to do that is with therapy. The cutting is just a symptom, it's not the problem. You've fallen into a coping mechanism that makes you feel better for a while, but that doesn't mean it's a healthy coping mechanism. There are hundreds of alternatives to cutting that you can practice. If you'd like a list of alternatives I'll post a link here to over 300 alternatives for those who want to stop. The desire has to come from you though. You have to be the one who wants to stop. Doing it for your parents or your friends doesn't work. You end up feeling guilty for breaking a promise you weren't ready to make to begin with.

I agree with Kristie about talking to other relatives so they can help you convince your parents that you need some time with a therapist. Not necessarily because you cut, but because of what's driving you to feel the need to.

I know some people still hold a stigma on issues such as this but there is discreet help available if you are willing to look. I just know that my parents would have rather died of embarassment than let me continue on as unhappy as Shanaynay sounds. I bet that they just think she is being a "difficult teenager". Which is why either she needs to make them understand or get someone (a relative, sister, brother) to help her make them understand, this isn't just teenage blues.

i would like that link to the ways to cope please.

Here you go.

http://busmail.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php?t=34500

My favorite is 'reading a list of over 300 things to do instead'. By the time you've read the list the urge might be gone.

There are also a list of questions written by Kharre a number of years ago to try to identify why you are triggered and which category of alternative will help best. Sometimes you might need nurturing, sometimes you might feel unworthy, sometimes its the need to feel pain, sometimes you feel alone, etc.

Here are the questions:

#1 Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

#2 Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

#3 What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

#4 How do I feel right now?

#5 How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

#6 How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

#7 Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

#8 Do I need to hurt myself?

Here's a quote from Deb Martinson, founder of BUS and author of the Secret Shame web site and co-author of "Self-Injury and Related Issues".

"The questions differ a little bit every time, but I will not cut if I cannot answer them. At first I would write them down, but now I run through them in my head. The most important questions on the list are #'s 4 to 6. In the beginning I would give myself little half-assed answers, but as each month passed my answers to myself became more detailed and I began to learn things about myself. I also found out that I can lessen or avoid stress, rather than running blindly into it. It also used to be that #8's answer was always 'yes', but now it is way more often a 'no'.

What this exercise is doing is helping me learn how to identify my emotions and stressors, which is a very important part for me, because those are the things that drive me to SI."

I hope you find the list and questions helpful.

Good post JB. Good info.

thank you.

Shanaynay,

I was a very mild cutter when I was a teen - probably not even considered a cutter in todays scene. I wasn't even aware that it was a dangerous thing to do because I never discussed it with anyone. I never cut deep and was a bit of a wuss so I only did it very occasionally when things seemed so bleak to my hormonally raging emotionally wracked young body. I was as screwed up as any other 'normal' teen. We all go through this. I was very introverted for several years and it was around this time that I got a scratch accidentally. My attention was focused on the scratch, I picked it when it scabbed over and I cannot explain how it eased me just a smidge to have this silly scratch to focus on rather than things that my head just couldn't get a handle on. When it completely healed, and I was next going through a bad patch, I deliberately scratched myself again. I wanted my attention diverted again so I could find some relief. Then it becomes a habit. A need. A necessity. You feel that you cannot get through a week, a day, a few hours without seeing the fresh blood and feel a tiny bit of power over yourself and things around you. It took me some time to realize that it was happening too often and that I had to stop. I had to wean myself off.

I think you need to sit down (if possible) and talk to a counsellor and other like-minded young people who cut. I never did, but I regret not opening up and asking for help, my misery might have been reduced if I had. I never thought much of it until years after when I heard about other cutters and I realized I had been one of these people. I really thought that it was a shameful thing I would never admit to anyone. I likened it to smoking, and not being able to quit because I was addicted. However it is probably more similar to Anorexia (as someone previously mentioned above), in that it is you asserting some semblance of control, but it is a control this is harmful and not as rewarding to you in the smidgeon of relief you expect it to give you. I finally found another outlet in comedy. Now I am not really a funny person but I started to goof around for friends, and began to come out of my shell somewhat. I started to be noticed and began to feel more confident. I also started to stand up more for myself. I began telling myself that I was the most important thing in my life and I was worth something - more than the pain that I inflicted on myself because of what-ever reason. Then something strange happened, I found I could find other ways of resolving issues when they came up. I never resorted to cutting or hurting myself again and I realize now that it was a phase I went through where I was so frustrated, helpless and alone with my teenage confusion that it was an outlet for me. Drugs can be an outlet. Anorexia can be an outlet. Many things can be an outlet. Who is to say when any of us choose the thing we do. Many others are very lucky and have ways to get through the teenage years without having to resort to such things. But it is not as unusual as you might think.

As for parents, well that wasn't an option for me back then. My father was never around and never talked to us. My mother was generally on a tirade most days and unapproachable. We walked on eggshells around her at that time (I think she had her own issues back then). I didn't share it with friends or my sisters. I don't discuss it with anyone now because well, I'm over it, it doesn't seem so important now. But you are going through it now and you are unable to cope with it and I am remembering how I felt back then. You cannot imagine ever feeling better, ever being able to get a handle on things and it is so difficult to do without someone else to help you.

You are not a nutcase. You are hurting inside and, to stop that emotional hurting, you are hurting yourself physically so that you have a real-visible-thing to focus on. You have to stop. I get the impression from your postings that you are a mild to moderate cutter. If you are a more serious cutter then I am out of my league here and am willing to admit it. There could be more issues here than I know what to do with and I am no professional or expert at the subject, so don't think I have all the answers here - I don't.

You really do need to talk to someone. There has to be someone in your life that you can reach out to. If you could find a center that deals with something like this - having them bring your parents in to explain what self-injury is. It is not going to be easy, which is why you need someone to help you through. It would be wonderful if your parents could be the ones helping you but if they don't understand then perhaps someone professional to explain and assist would help. Make a call to the local emergency room and see if they have any staff who are familiar with SI and might be able to help or try one of these places for pamphlets, telephone numbers you can call, anything that will help you get the help you need.

You WILL come out the other side of this - you have to hold on to that thought and start looking for another avenue to regain control of your life, a non-harmful avenue.

id have to say that although everyones thoughts have been helpful in my realization that i need help and i need to stop, yours has affected me most. everything that you wrote is exactly how it is with me. i dont cut very often, like you said a moderate-mild cutter, but when i do it does release alot of that pain.

Heeven--

Thank you. You have enlarged my information on the subject considerably.

Heeven--

Thank you. You have enlarged my information on the subject considerably.

And you will find that there can be other ways to release the pain - less harmful ways. I can't say I know the answer for you but be assured it will come and you are on the right road. You are looking for help and answers. It is not going to go be resolved overnight but you are strong enough to recognise you need help and that is the first step. Do you have anyone at all that you can broach the subject with - other than your parents right now?

my friend has been/was a cutter throught out junior high and still ocassionally does. she knows i have done it and i asked her if it would be okay to come and talk to her about it when i feel the urge so she can help me.

If she is still occasionally cutting then she hasn't gotten past it completely, but it IS a first step to getting your feelings and emotions out. Start talking to her before you get the urge, now. Ask her about her experiences, when she stopped, why she does it occasionally, what she does to get past the frustrations, are there others she knows who also do/have done this, does she know of any places/centers to get help/talk further.

I wish you well and don't let it all get you down. I promise you things DO get better .... in time. You know life can be a piece of crap at times, but it is so worth it for the wonderful things that happen too. Don't get so depressed that you forget there is so much more to experience and some pretty wonderful things in store for you.

i appreciate your time in helping me help myself.

Not a problem. I can understand since I've been there, done that (literally). There is always someone if you need to reach out.

well i havent been back for a while but heres an update on whats happened since i first posted. things had calmed down for a while but then something happened that jut really made things worse. someone called into my school and reported that i had been hurting myself so the counselors called me down and talked to me about it. my couselor and the social worker just kinda teamed up against me (so it seemed like) and just laid all this on me. it was horrible. we takled about it for a while and to tell you the truth the counselor helped better than the social worker did which was surprising to me. but now thats another person that i can go and talk to. i think if someone HADNT called then i never would have talked to them which i cant say would have been a bad thing but then i went home and tlaked to my parents about it more. and it made me feel alot better. it was the first time that night that my dad saw my wrists and the look on his face just tore me apart. but right now things have definitely calmed down and they are looking better. i dont want to jinx myself but thats how things are now. just thought id update all yous. byez

Shanaynay--

Thanks for the update. I'm happy to hear that you're getting your problem recognized as a problem. This is much easier than having an elephant-sized problem sitting in the corner and everyone is pretending that the corner is empty and everything is just hunky-dory.

Good luck. Let us know if we can help--we're always here if you have to vent.