Paying for my wife's promiscuity

CalamityJane wrote:

Well then Pharaoh, what's your problem?

It was your choice to have unprotected sex with her
even though you knew of her promiscuity. You should
have asked her to get tested prior to engaging into
sexual relations. You neglected to do so and you have
now a STD.

That's the risk you take for having unprotected sex and you
drew the a$$card. Too bad for you, but to push the blame
onto her is not right.

You both had unprotected sex and you both are responsible
for the outcome.

Maybe you need to understand what a loving / trusting relationship is... let me explain;

When you love someone, there is a level of trust. Especially among two adults, there is also a burdon of responsibility. Asking someone a question that will affect the rest of your lives is based only on that level of trust. I trusted her in saying, "no", when she should have been honest and said "not that I'm aware of" - as that is the response of a responsible adult.

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Pharoah wrote:

there are know emmotional scars that are debilitating our relationship

You really need to talk to a skilled professional, who will help you get to the bottom of this quandry. You need to learn why you have had so intense a reaction to what happened, and learn how to let go of these feelings. You will be a family soon, and I am sure that you want it to be a happy one. Don't allow this incident in your lives to sabotage a promising and loving relationship!

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Pharaoh wrote:

BUT there are know emmotional scars that are debilitating our relationship (I.E. - I cannot be nude infront of her, I cannot kiss her without feeling uncomfortable, etc.).

Part of this may simply stem from the stage of the pregnancy, Pharaoh. It's not unusual for partners of heavily pregnant women to be uneasy about any sexual expression or sexual interest when around them. You may want to do some reading in that area. Not every dad-to-be thinks pregnancy is the time his wife is the most glorious.

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No sorry Pharaoh, you need to understand that a loving
relationship doesn't mean that one needs to be
blind.

Trust is build up over the years, it is not there the
first day you meet your future spouse. Given her
past promiscuity you should have insisted on her getting
tested. You didn't, and that's your fault and not hers.

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ROFL, good point Beth. It was well taken.

We had tension before the pregnancy. Sex seem to halt (as it does in every relationship) a month after we started having sex. She insist that it's not me, and that it's not a priority. Aside from the sex issue, and our current problem with the STD situation, I love this woman more than anything and would do anything for her.

It's frusterating that we are compatible on every level except sex. You can imagine the effect that has on one's libido.

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There are some good resources on the web, Pharaoh.

This one contains some helpful links Five myths of fatherhood .... click here

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from the same site

Quote:

When it comes to sex, for many couples the expectant mother's changing body is the source of a lot of conflict, misunderstanding, and confusion. You may find the pregnant female form arousing but not want to do anything sexual because you're worried that she's feeling unattractive. On the other hand, she may be feeling sexier than ever but not want to initiate anything sexual because she's afraid that you won't be attracted to her anymore

How your sex life will change as a dad-to-be ..... click here

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ehBeth wrote:

There are some good resources on the web, Pharaoh.

This one contains some helpful links Five myths of fatherhood .... click here

Thanks for the link... I'm checking it out now.

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and their whole blinkin' dads to be page

click here

It seems like you've got a lot of issues rolling into one mess, Pharaoh. I sure wish a dad like SealPoet or bipolarBear would come talk to you here. Hmm, where are those fellas anyways? George? cjhsa? DADS!! where are you?

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Pharaoh--

You write:

Quote:

Maybe you need to understand what a loving / trusting relationship is... let me explain;

When you love someone, there is a level of trust. Especially among two adults, there is also a burdon of responsibility. Asking someone a question that will affect the rest of your lives is based only on that level of trust. I trusted her in saying, "no", when she should have been honest and said "not that I'm aware of" - as that is the response of a responsible adult.

Obviously she trusted the guy who passed on the genital warts. She didn't seek out the infection any more than you did. She was young and dumb and made the assumption, no symptoms, no disease.

She trusted. You trusted. Warts. She's right, she can't change the past, particularly when she's focused on 20-30 pounds of baby, 24 hours a day.

You two would probably benefit from some counseling. You say you would have married her, pregnant or no, but the wedding date was pushed up because of the pregnancy depriving the two of you of some courting time.

Marriage means adjustments. Pregnancy means adjustments. Finding out about an STD means adjustments.

All these Life Events mean a great deal of stress for the two of you as individuals and for you as a couple. Counseling could help the two of you work things out.

Whatever the ideal timing might have been, you're married now--for better and for worse.

You picked a woman with a past--and her light-hearted ways were part of her appeal to you. Unfortunately she came with viral baggage.

You Did The Right Thing when the pregnancy became evident. Unfortunately your courtship was curtailed and your young, light-hearted wife is awash with hormones and contemplating the prospect of motherhood.

You're entitled to feel a bit aggrieved at the quirks of kismet here, but:

There are no instant cures for genital warts.

You two are going to be a family very shortly. You can't change the past, and you must devote your energy to the baby's future.--and to your
future as a couple. You can't do this if you are cuddling your resentment.

The warts are sordid, but not life threatening.

Good luck, Pharaoh.

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It is possible, although unlikely, that she was unaware that she had genital warts and was able to infect you. A person is generally able to pass these on only when they have active lesions. Obviously, a woman can have active internal lesions that she can't see and be infectious at that time. Most often, external lesions exist at some point.

Genital warts are caused by human papilloma virus (HPV). This is the most common and rapidly growing sexually transmitted disease. Up to 40% of sexually active 20 year olds are HPV positive. So it is hard to label someone promiscuous for contracting such a prevalent disease.

There are some issues with HPV and vaginal delivery of a newborn. If she has active lesions at the time of delivery. the infant can be infected - causing long term problems with lesions in the respiratory tract, often around the vocal cords. It is NOT something to mess around with. Your partner needs to speak to her obstetrician.

The last issue involves your partner's (the future mother of your child's) long term health. HPV is the cause of cervical cancer. She must have annual Pap smears for the rest of her life to catch pre-cancerous lesions before they grow.

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Very interesting post drpetes. This confirms my initial thought that she must have knows about her genital warts.

I do hope, the couple will take your advice and check with
her obstetrician to protect her newborn.

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You also got to think there could of been other asympimatic deseases you could of gotten. Obviously she wouldn't know if she had HIV either. you trusted her because she said no without getting a STD tests. like people have said before, the fault gets split 50/50.

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pharaoh--

You are entitled to take all the time you need to come to grips with the unsavory fact that you have genital warts and will have them for the rest of your life.

You have every right to resent this--but your resentment is essentially your problem.

Short of a time machine, is there anything that the wife and the mother of your child could do to remove your warts?

No?

No matter what, you'll be living with them. Can you learn to live with them gracefully. Gential warts will never improve your life, but you don't have to ruin your life and marriage because of them.

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Pharaoh wrote:

To get away from the 'blame' talk... my question is;
How do I go about learning to forgive her? I know warts are treatable and will eventually go away, as will the virus that caused them. BUT there are know emmotional scars that are debilitating our relationship (I.E. - I cannot be nude infront of her, I cannot kiss her without feeling uncomfortable, etc.).

I just stumbled onto this thread and just wanted to address this one area (directed toward Pharaoh).

You stated earlier that you've been tested and (presumably) aren't carrying anything (other then thr genital warts now..). What would happen if you found out that there was some new STD that you hadn't been tested for before and you were now found be carrying it and had passed it on to your wife and she was pissed at you about it?

My guess is that you'd probably feel a bit chagrined (and that's probably how your wife is feeling right now). Empathy (putting yourself in the other person's shoes) is how you get to forgiveness. Quit blaming her for not alerting you to something she wasn't aware of to begin with.

Also, just a guess on my part but, your being upset about this STD thing along with her probably being a little embarrassed about it isn't helping your sex life much either. Wink

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Paying for my wife's promiscuity

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