Paying for my wife's promiscuity

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I have been married for just under 6 months, and my wife and I are expecting a child in approx. 30 days. Prior to marriage, I was extremely sexually active, but I was very, very cautious. I got tested every 3 months and ALWAYS wore protection. She was also very sexually active, but she had never been tested and didn't use protection at all.

We started having sex over a year ago, and now I've developed genital warts. I know she hasn't cheated on me and I would never. It turns out, she had it all along and I was asymptomatic until now. She is completely asymptomatic, and suffers no side effects.

This has sent my marriage into the gutter, and this cannot happen with a child on the way. Has anyone experienced something similar?

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No I haven't but frankly, if my spouse would give me
STD without telling me prior to, I'd have to reconsider
my relationship.

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Was she aware of her diagnosis before you became symptomatic?

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Just looked back up. She hadn't been tested, so wouldn't have known of the diagnosis.

Your marriage is guttered because your wife, who has never cheated on you and didn't know she had an STD, passed the STD on to you?

Did you ask her to be tested before you became active with her?

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Pharaoh- Welcome to A2K!

Quote:

It turns out, she had it all along and I was asymptomatic until now. She is completely asymptomatic, and suffers no side effects.

Did she know that she had this disease? If she were asymptomatic, and did not get checked, how would she know? If you knew that she was so sexually active, and never got checked, why didn't you use protection with her? Why didn't you insist that she go to the doctor, before you stopped using protection? Apparently you are placing all the responsibility on your wife.

You say that you were both sexually active. So, there is a level playing field. So why do you think that your marriage is "in the gutter"? How can you be angry over her doing being sexually active, if YOU did the same thing? If she knew that she had an STD, and didn't tell you, that I might find problematical, but if she didn't know, why are you having such a problem?

Do you love this woman? If so, you need to work through this, for your sake, her sake, and the child's.

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Quote:

Paying for my wife's promiscuity

Just looked again at the title of your thread. It's the old double standard again. You were sexually active, but SHE was promiscuous. Personally, I don't think that the warts are the main problem. IMO, what you are pissed off about is the fact that she had sex with the guy who gave her the warts.

You need to think about that. And you know what they say about "people who live in glass houses".

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Sometimes I worry about men facing the questions of the women of A2K. I can almost feel us putting on our inspector goggles.

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ehBeth- When Pharaoh married his wife, she was already pregnant. I am wondering as to how much this fact has to do with his present attitude?

What about it Pharaoh? You say nothing in your post about how you felt about your wife right before she told you that she was pregnant? Did you love her? Would you have married her if she weren't pregnant? How old are you both?

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Re: Paying for my wife's promiscuity

Pharaoh wrote:

She was also very sexually active,

Thanks for the responses.

Note my reference to us BOTH being sexually active. I never JUST considered HER promiscuity, I consider OURS. You're right I'm pissed off. If you expect me to NOT be angry because she gave me genital warts... consider a career on the Oprah show, as they take man-hating more seriously there.

I'm angry that I was so careful and believed that just because I was married to this woman that we'd have a safe and healthy sex life together. I was naive and am paying for it now. We are both a contributing factor in what is ailing our relationship. I would expect her to show a little remorse, but none is present. She just keeps saying, "I can't change the past." And I don't expect her to, but I expect her full participation in the rejuvenation of our relationship.

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Did you ask her to be tested before you began to have sex, Pharaoh?

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Phoenix32890 wrote:

ehBeth- When Pharaoh married his wife, she was already pregnant. I am wondering as to how much this fact has to do with his present attitude?

What about it Pharaoh? You say nothing in your post about how you felt about your wife right before she told you that she was pregnant? Did you love her? Would you have married her if she weren't pregnant? How old are you both?

Hmmm... why do I get the feeling that I'm dealing with bias?

Yes, I loved her the moment I saw her. I do love her now. I would have married her had she not been pregnant. I am 23 and she's 21.

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ehBeth wrote:

Did you ask her to be tested before you began to have sex, Pharaoh?

So many questions, so little time. LOL

No I didn't. I asked her if she had any STD's and she said no. It wasn't until after our marriage that she admitted never having been tested.

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But did she know that she had a STD?
I guess that would be the key question for me.

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CalamityJane wrote:

But did she know that she had a STD?
I guess that would be the key question for me.

No, how could she have, not ever having been tested? The response to "do you have any STD's" if you have never been tested is 'I can't be certain, I've never been tested', or simply 'I don't know'.

EDIT: 'no' implies that you know you don't

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ahh, that makes it difficult

she was asymptomatic - and didn't see the need for testing/was afraid of the possible results

i guess in this day and age, i'm a bit surprised when people don't get tested, don't insist on their partners being tested. maybe it's a generational thing, but i know people who quite literally exchange test results - and won't proceed without 'em.

She said no because she had no symptoms, not because she'd been tested.

Her focus right now needs to be on completing a successful pregnancy and having a safe delivery. Are you sure that she has told her ob-gyn of her diagnosis? It will likely make a difference in how they handle the delivery.

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No, I am not being biased. You are hurt, and lashing out at your wife. I am only hearing your side of the story, so I have no idea about where she is coming from.

If you DO love her, you need to understand that that she probably feels humiliated and upset by the thought that she gave you a disease. Yes, you WERE naive, and you have paid the price. I certainly can understand your upset.

If you love your wife, you both really need to work through this, or it will eat at your marriage. You might want to consider marriage counselling, so that you both start your parenting on the right foot. Good Luck!

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ehBeth wrote:

i know people who quite literally exchange test results - and won't proceed without 'em.

That's all well and good, but what's to stop a person from contracting an STD right after they have been tested? There is no way to be 100% sure.

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Well then Pharaoh, what's your problem?

It was your choice to have unprotected sex with her
even though you knew of her promiscuity. You should
have asked her to get tested prior to engaging into
sexual relations. You neglected to do so and you have
now a STD.

That's the risk you take for having unprotected sex and you
drew the a$$card. Too bad for you, but to push the blame
onto her is not right.

You both had unprotected sex and you both are responsible
for the outcome.

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ehBeth wrote:

Are you sure that she has told her ob-gyn of her diagnosis? It will likely make a difference in how they handle the delivery.

Once again, thanks for your response.

She has told the ob-gyn and we've discussed it together with the ob-gyn. They say everything going to be fine with the delivery. The pregnancy hasn't had one problem so far, so they are expecting a healthy baby and a quick recovery for mom.

To get away from the 'blame' talk... my question is;
How do I go about learning to forgive her? I know warts are treatable and will eventually go away, as will the virus that caused them. BUT there are know emmotional scars that are debilitating our relationship (I.E. - I cannot be nude infront of her, I cannot kiss her without feeling uncomfortable, etc.).

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Oh phooey, I lost the mid part of my post just after yours, Pharoah. It was much the same as your post, though - what a better response to your question re diagnosis could have been.

I don't know your wife, and I'd guess she didn't mean to deceive you in any harmful way. Is being angry with her good for you in some way? good for her? good for the baby? Part of life is dealing well with utter cr@p that we're faced with.

Years ago, I used to teach a number of programs through an agency. One of the things we worked on was how to find out the answer to the question you're asking. The trick was/is making sure you'd asked the precise question. It can be a bit annoying sometimes - often - but there are questions we really need the correct answer to - and yours was one of them.

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Paying for my wife's promiscuity

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