A Doozey - Husband and Wife, different sex drive and styles.

Oh honey I am in the same boat but it is opposite, I am the wife with a high sex drive married to a man with almost none and I never had sex before we married with anyone because of religious rules. It has been almost 10 years and is still like that and he refuses to go to counseling or change. The thing I had to learn was patience and to stop blaming him all the time. If I wanted to stay married I had to bend first and in turn he bent in other areas too. I can leave any time I want and so can you but it can work if you choose to stay you just need to find out how to speak her love language and she will try to speak yours. I still argue about it sometimes and you will too but don't scratch the pimple to much, it makes it worse. Just so you know though, there is nothing wrong with you and God gave us this way to connect with our most cherished loved one to share our vulnerability and our emotions. It teaches that giving is just as important if not more so than receiving and the reward is wonderful.

I am a woman on your wife's side of this issue. Not meaning I am "taking her side", so to speak, but I am in similar, yet considerably more dysfunctional circumstances myself. I had to ask myself as I was reading this if my husband had posted this, would I be furious?

Funny story:

For the first few minutes I was reading this my horror was growing with each word as I became more convinced you actually may BE my husband asking for advice! LOL Then you got to the part where you said she puts out sometimes, though it is boring and bland. Forgive my paraphrasing please... That's just what I got out of it...

Man, the timing... How long you've been together... and married! All right on target... Til that... See... I DON'T put out anymore at all. To me the topic of sex is shameful and even humiliating to an extent. I have been through extensive sexual abuse through out my life and it has left me with many emotional scars that have ALWAYS made sex in an intimate relationship difficult for me.

I shut down. I don't want to. I am not trying to. As a matter a fact for quite some time I even tried not to shut down. Eventually I gave that up too because I could just never win. It just never got better for me. So now it's been almost a year. I don't miss sex. Honestly I don't. I never have, and am starting to believe I never will.

But my heart hurts for my husband, and men like you. I don't fully understand the extent of the males sex drive... I just know it's strong... Strong enough to cause some men to think (even temporarily) it's ok to force himself upon an unwilling participant. So I imagine that to be with someone without being "with" them could potentially drive a person mad. But there are things you can check that may actually be causing the issue.

Hormones would be the first thing I would suggest to look at. As women our hormonal balance plays a huge part in the balance of the rest of our life... or lack there of... lol A drop in estrogen will decrease a womans sex drive in a quick minute. Or as in my case... Make it disappear completely.

The next thing would be possible emotional scarring from a past experience that she may, or may not remember. I have PTSD from some of my experiences, so some of my reactions are over reactions I can't control. It's frustrating... Believe me. But, less severe circumstances can still do great damage that is often not detected right off the bat because the symptoms are much more subtle.

While we spend our day making conscious decisions about everything that comes across our path, we must also realize that we spend our day making just as many... if not more... subconscious decisions. It is in fact those subconscious decisions that lead to the conscious decisions and actions.

I have found in my own life that understanding this leads to being able to make the conscious decision to be more aware of what's going on in my subconscious mind. But that means being willing to see the subconscious thought, and looking deeper... To the root system of that subconscious thought. It all starts somewhere, and sometimes seeing that "somewhere" again is painful.

This is why many people can't move forward with their lives. These are the chains that are binding them. A dark "somewhere" they can't bear to look at because it hurt too much the first time. So surely it will hurt worse the second... It does hurt, but what people don't see is what happens after that...

It's like opening a door and never stepping through to see the other side. They don't step through the door to see the part where you learn to accept the things you cannot change, and finally let them go. The freedom that brings to your heart, mind, body, and soul.

Another thing is, to pay close attention to her. Her body language, her tone... See if there is something you are missing, that for whatever reason she can't vocalize she wants. Maybe it's more emotional attention from you... More quality time outside of the bedroom... Maybe she doesn't feel like you listen when she is talking... Yes, these ideas are coming from my own experience, and may not be the exact case for you. My point is that as humans in a relationship with each other we have expectations... unspoken expectations, btw. Those expectations not being met is often the culprit of relationship issues.

And lastly, I would suggest seeking counseling. I am certain it can help if both parties are truly wanting to fix the relationship. My husband and I haven't given up on each other yet. We are planning on getting counseling when we can afford it.

You shouldn't give up yet either. If you can walk through this together to find a mutual end you will gain much strength in your relationship with each other, and yourselves.

If this is something that happened recently, i'd have different advice. Suggest complete physical, romantic vacations, couples massages , etc. etc.

But you say this has been her demeanor from the get-go. This is part of her make-up that's deep seeded and you are not going to change it. Bless her heart, her sexual appetite has been surpressed or made to feel shameful or fearful. Gosh, is she passionate about ANYTHING?

Your issue is: how long will this go on? And can/will she change?

You have time invested in this relationship. Seek professional help for yourself so you will have the support and strength to face the future - whatever that may be. But at least you will be able to say that you gave it your best and most thoughtful self.

Good luck.

Candaloo,
I get what you're saying, and in my own way, I suppose I was trying to compromise for something. Through countless thoughts and decisions, my grand compromise ultimately formed into something like this:

I know she might not like sex, and I've been barking up the same tree for years, asking about her ailments on the sexual side. I never got anywhere, and I've probably noted that I wanted to be there for her in that since a thousand times, and so now I tried to make a compromise that would show her that I was willing to give her whatever she dreamed of; she could go buy stuff if she felt like it, she could ask for nearly anything she wanted and I would be almost immediately inclined to agree; I went as far as letting her know that I would handle the harder things in between our home and marriage, and have everything within our lives lined up in a fashion that she shouldn't have to worry about anything, and that the path I would put her and myself on, could ultimately mean that I even.. excuse my language... would "bust" my ass out here making sure everything was lined up all the time, even if that mean that I work a second job for a short period of time.. And she knows full well that I'm picking up the pace in my IT career, and it wouldn't be long until my income would get high enough for me to support us, even without her income.

In short, I promised myself, and her, that I would be a complete package in then some... All she would have to do is have an open mind about sexual stuff. Unfortunately, my depth of thought supercedes hers, in her words... So while my thinking of things sexual could be vast, her version of open mindedness rotated around smaller ideas and still caused a problem. I've asked her to go counseling, whether it be about herself and about us. Initially she even told me that she was afraid of going because she knew that the counselor would drill her about how she's acting and was afraid to hear it, even though the pre-marriage counselor told her that my needs are there.

Just because she lacked a drive doesn't mean mine doesn't exist, but I haven't given up yet. I'm usually the one to talk us back down to earth after a heated argument. Was I wrong in this whole way of thinking?

onevoice,
Your story did give me a few chuckles. However I do understand about the consciousness and the subconsciousness, and I'm sorry you're going through this too. My wife may feel the same say as she wants to leave not because I'm a particularaly bad person, but because she knows my sex drive will continue eclipse hers, and she doesn't want me to go through the trouble. You can also see the my response I made another member on the post, kinda lightly detailing my determination and what I was trying to do to soothe her spirit.

I do feel bad because she does try at times to give me what I long for, but the act of it just so lifeless. At first I tried to ignore but my heart was succumbed, and my morals just tell me that it's not healthy that way. However, when she does feel passion, there is some life to sex, but then one of three things happen: either it is "bland" but I enjoy it because she does; I can't feel it due to the subconscious pain I have for going through this over and over, and thus I can't even experience lust, or I actually succumb to being bored by repetition and loose drive. It's quite a conundrum for me as well. And as inquisitive as I am, I've also stated that maybe she's lacking something in the body..

Punkey,
Your words slightly sting but they are true. Since she's less passionate about sex, she IS not very passionate about much at all, and lately I've even called her apathetic and stoic. I mean just to get into her head, I would ask her about her opinions on these rather asinine subjects like the whole protest uproar that the world is in, or I think last time it was all about statues, etc. Things that I know have the much of the country questioning itself, so I can see what her viewpoint might be. Like me asking her about her sexual desires and such, the answers are meek and she straight up says that she doesn't care. I mean, while these things may not concern her, is she not in the least bit infuriated by things of that level? And if you think countrywide problems like this doesn't make her say much, you can only imagine if I have a personal inquiry or problem, how that goes. It usually ends with me "getting on her nerves".

Counseling. Egad, counseling.

And I know you had said you had to drag her there. Drag her there again and again if you must. She has a massive scar from her childhood trauma and it won't just go away with wishing and hoping.

And please stop offering her the moon if she'll just have sex with you. That makes her sound like a high class call girl. Sorry, but that's how I see it - and I haven't been sexually abused.

"And please stop offering her the moon if she'll just have sex with you. That makes her sound like a high class call girl. Sorry, but that's how I see it - and I haven't been sexually abused."

Oh god - right. Stop groveling.

Go to counseling by yourself, if she won't.

If she doesn't go to counselling with you and doesn't actively participate in counselling, you'll need to have a serious discussion with her about what other sexual options you will have to consider.

Given your other thread, it does seem that your wife needs some pretty serious counselling help before it even gets to sexuality.

__

Does she understand that marriages can and do end because of sexual mismatches? does she care?

Get her to counselling. Go with her to a doctor's appointment and get a referral.

Christians have good, passionate sex. Being religious doesn't mean vanilla sex.

It sounds as if she has no confidence in her own opinion. She appears browbeaten probably since childhood. People learn to shut up when every word they say is ridiculed. I hope she agrees to counseling and I hope she finds a way to gain her own voice.