I am a woman on your wife's side of this issue. Not meaning I am "taking her side", so to speak, but I am in similar, yet considerably more dysfunctional circumstances myself. I had to ask myself as I was reading this if my husband had posted this, would I be furious?
For the first few minutes I was reading this my horror was growing with each word as I became more convinced you actually may BE my husband asking for advice! LOL Then you got to the part where you said she puts out sometimes, though it is boring and bland. Forgive my paraphrasing please... That's just what I got out of it...
Man, the timing... How long you've been together... and married! All right on target... Til that... See... I DON'T put out anymore at all. To me the topic of sex is shameful and even humiliating to an extent. I have been through extensive sexual abuse through out my life and it has left me with many emotional scars that have ALWAYS made sex in an intimate relationship difficult for me.
I shut down. I don't want to. I am not trying to. As a matter a fact for quite some time I even tried not to shut down. Eventually I gave that up too because I could just never win. It just never got better for me. So now it's been almost a year. I don't miss sex. Honestly I don't. I never have, and am starting to believe I never will.
But my heart hurts for my husband, and men like you. I don't fully understand the extent of the males sex drive... I just know it's strong... Strong enough to cause some men to think (even temporarily) it's ok to force himself upon an unwilling participant. So I imagine that to be with someone without being "with" them could potentially drive a person mad. But there are things you can check that may actually be causing the issue.
Hormones would be the first thing I would suggest to look at. As women our hormonal balance plays a huge part in the balance of the rest of our life... or lack there of... lol A drop in estrogen will decrease a womans sex drive in a quick minute. Or as in my case... Make it disappear completely.
The next thing would be possible emotional scarring from a past experience that she may, or may not remember. I have PTSD from some of my experiences, so some of my reactions are over reactions I can't control. It's frustrating... Believe me. But, less severe circumstances can still do great damage that is often not detected right off the bat because the symptoms are much more subtle.
While we spend our day making conscious decisions about everything that comes across our path, we must also realize that we spend our day making just as many... if not more... subconscious decisions. It is in fact those subconscious decisions that lead to the conscious decisions and actions.
I have found in my own life that understanding this leads to being able to make the conscious decision to be more aware of what's going on in my subconscious mind. But that means being willing to see the subconscious thought, and looking deeper... To the root system of that subconscious thought. It all starts somewhere, and sometimes seeing that "somewhere" again is painful.
This is why many people can't move forward with their lives. These are the chains that are binding them. A dark "somewhere" they can't bear to look at because it hurt too much the first time. So surely it will hurt worse the second... It does hurt, but what people don't see is what happens after that...
It's like opening a door and never stepping through to see the other side. They don't step through the door to see the part where you learn to accept the things you cannot change, and finally let them go. The freedom that brings to your heart, mind, body, and soul.
Another thing is, to pay close attention to her. Her body language, her tone... See if there is something you are missing, that for whatever reason she can't vocalize she wants. Maybe it's more emotional attention from you... More quality time outside of the bedroom... Maybe she doesn't feel like you listen when she is talking... Yes, these ideas are coming from my own experience, and may not be the exact case for you. My point is that as humans in a relationship with each other we have expectations... unspoken expectations, btw. Those expectations not being met is often the culprit of relationship issues.
And lastly, I would suggest seeking counseling. I am certain it can help if both parties are truly wanting to fix the relationship. My husband and I haven't given up on each other yet. We are planning on getting counseling when we can afford it.
You shouldn't give up yet either.
If you can walk through this together to find a mutual end you will gain much strength in your relationship with each other, and yourselves.