Help: I have no friends.....

Re: Help: I have no friends.....


I'll try. :wink:



Let me guess: are you male?



Let's not, emkay? In the first place, nobody knows what the future might bring. Secondly, in my opinion, simply hanging out with someone isn't enough, yet one can form an intimate enough bond long-distance that one might change the whole locale issue. :wink:



What are you interested in? Becoming active in that area will bring you together with people who, at the very least, have that same interest and, therefore, may become good friends to you.

What do you mean by 'the opportunities ... are dwindling?" Are you, by any chance, a new college graduate who feels that others are moving away/out/on/???? and you are in a panic? In my opinion, your feeling the way you describe might be attached to your current age...or even to the end-of-year/season of holiday expectations (unmet, as they usually are: for everyone).

I think I need more information before I go off on some unhelpful tangent.

Thank you ForeverYoung for taking the time to help.

Why yes, I am male.

I have had long-distance acquaintences before, and they never worked out. I noticed that although we had great auxiliary conversations i.e. phone and instant messaging, we never had anything exciting nor much to say during our in-person rendezvous. Auxiliary communication diminished the excitement/interest in all of my in-person meetings-------it simply kills the anticipation. But, in a long-term relationship the only form of communication that can place is auxiliary unfortuantely. So, from my past experiences, I no longer seek or expect much out of relationships built from auxiliary communication. The only relationships I find satisfying are ones in which I can participate in actively. Anyhow, that's why I chose to not speak about long-term friendships.

You were right on the $$$ on the age thing. In fact, I am going to be graduating from college in June. I'm afraid that once I enter the industrial world, meeting people won't be so easy. It's been 4 whole years, and I still haven't reaped the so-called social benefits of attending a university. Everyone says, "Go to some parties to meet people man!" Well, how can I do that if showing up to a party ALONE does a lot of damage on first impressions. Making friends seems to be a paradox. In order to make them, you must have them first right? I don't want to show up to a party and just lie and say, "Oh, I'm supposed to meet insert_imaginary_friend_name here. Where is he?" I want to build relationships from honesty.

I'd like to mention that I'm not extremely picky on meeting people either. Beggars can't be choosers right? It's reasonable to want to hang out with people who share common interests right??? I've been flexible, and I have tried to forego differences that people may have. In being flexible, I have only made "buddies" and not "friends". Nowadays, I hang out with people who are NOTHING like me, and our relationships are extremely shallow.

You might have noticed this: I'm the type of guy who looks for few close friends instead of many acquaintences. I don't need to be around a clique in order to compensate for any lack of self-esteem. I am comfortable in who I am.

Here are some examples of what you would usually see me doing:

-Studying at a local coffee shop (perhaps you have some pointers on how to meet people over there without being intrusive and awkward)

-Working out solo at the gym

almostbitter- It looks like you have set yourself up for activites that will keep you in islolation. If you are in the gym, why not start up a conversation with another guy? If you see an exercise that another person is doing well, comment on it, and use your common interest as a starting point.



Not true. What about people who move to another city, and know no one?

And what in the world is wrong with going to a party by yourself? You are much more likely to meet someone if you are unencumbered.

IMO, you need to change your self-defeating attitude. If you think of yourself as a "beggar", people will treat you as one. If you think of yourself as a person who has a lot to offer, people will sense this, and seek you out.

You're welcome. :wink:

Have a look at what Phoenix wrote, please: good advice there!

Thanks Phoenix. You make some very interesting points. I'm going to try "opening" myself up when I'm doing my activities from now on.

Ever since I was in grade school, I noticed that everyone was making friends except me. I always mentally beat myself up and channeled my frustration by improving my physical appearance (excercise, etc.) and working really hard with the studies. But to my dismay, I learned that no matter how much I improved in those areas, my social situation remained the same. I knew from then on, that there was something about my character/attitude that was preventing me from meeting others. I haven't quite put my finger on it yet, but I think we're making some headway.

Let's talk about flying solo at a social gathering for example. If I walk in alone, it will be quite obvious that I came in alone. How do I pull all of this off and "market" myself without coming off as desperate and lonely. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in this situation, isn't meeting new people very similar to a nightclub-pickup? It appears that I must engage in rapid-fire-mingling in order to minimize the time standing alone. The more people I surround myself with, the more people see me as outgoing right?

How would you reply to the following questions and still make yourself as someone "desirable" to meet?

"So who did you come with?"
"So who do you know over here?"

I am posting as a kind of bookmark as I mean to come back and address your question seriously, almostbitter, perhaps later tonight after I come back from dinner.

Almostbitter, I also have trouble meeting people so I know where you're coming from.

Here's a plan for parties:

Here are a few ideas I've had or have followed from other people.
1) Quite literally, get yourself a list of 3 topics to discuss. These are noncontroversial topics, so don't make 'em politics or religion. These also can't be completely conventional topics, so the weather is out. Open up the paper and read it before you go, and you'll have some things to talk about.
2) Listen. Go to a group of people and listen before jumping in. This is a lot like lurking at a website before posting. Just get a feel for what's going to be talked about. If you're into classical music, and everyone is talking about hip hop, you probably can't discuss opera without it falling flat.
3) In conjunction with #1, think of three things that you do for leisure and consider talking about them in case your current events topics fall flat or someone beats you to talking about them. So this is leisure stuff, not work! Do you play touch football with your friends? Hook rugs? Write poetry? Paint? Go to the gym? Play role-playing games? Most people don't have 3 separate leisure activities, so know your own and two that are similar, e. g. if you play a weekly poker game, know something about poker at casinos or about mah jongg and that'll be helpful.

I'm not saying that these are foolproof, but having a plan tends to help me not feel like a bump on a log.

As for the 2 questions, here are the answers:
"So who did you come with?"
-- No one, I guess I'm the lone wolf here. And you?
"So who do you know over here?"
-- Just the hostess. I know her from our ceramics class. How do you know the folks here?

And then listen (tip #2) and adjust your responses accordingly. Who do you know, and how do you know them are pretty safe opening lines, I think they can be used pretty much any time, anywhere.

*** As for meeting people elsewhere, set yourself up and into places and situations where you can meet people. Take a class. Volunteer at the animal shelter. Join a gym. Talk to your coworkers more, and not about work or the weather. Get involved in local politics. Join a local sports league. Essentially, follow your interests and be sure that they coincide with some way to be among people - if your interest is computer programming, then programming is a solitary thing and you won't meet people that way, but you will meet folks if you attend user group meetings.

Wow, is anybody still here?

I just read this post and my reaction to Almostbitter's feelings is just.... wow.

If anybody reads this then I'll have to say that's exactly the type of person I am too. However I wouldn't of been able to word it as perfectly as Almostbitter just did.

If you're still seeking advice pretty much follow what others have said and to sum up it up pretty much you'll have to handle any kind of rejection/dejection e.g. being alone and swallow your pride without a care. For instance if somebody laughs at you for being alone or feel insecure you're just gonna have to ignore those feelings and act as if you're not alone.

From what I read Almostbitter you seem like the type of person who's intelligent, a person can convey what they have to say on paper pretty well and analytical (well detailed and well aware of things in perspective).
In my p.o.v those are the pros of you however that's only my p.o.v. and you don't have to take it as it is because I know I'm not for one to judge.

Anyways moving on cons about that is it has left you in a nutshell... it's like saying, "If "Making friends" or "Having a Social Life" was a subject then you wouldn't do as well as let's say your English or whatever else you excel at.

I'm that type of person too where I let my "loneliness" emotions out by working out trying to look better physically and I study alone too.

I've experienced situations similar to you of course I won't say that I experienced situations exactly like yours because I haven't and we're two different people just with one common downfall to our personalities.

From my past experiences in H.S. yes I looked at myself as a loser (because of previous experiences...) anyways and had no confidence. By your definitions I established 0 (ZERO) friends and left H.S. with a bitter-relief feeling.
I went to College and I changed my whole outlook. The only problem was whenever I took initiative to take into their interest (something I've done in H.S. too) and like the result of H.S. I've created a bad "first impression." amongst people who I tried to socialize with and had to live with "fake/ghost" friends (like the way you worded it in your situation).
I left College happy though because even though the situation remained the same the difference was I wasn't in College long enough to experience any conflict/hurt/emotional downfall.
After College I went to University and I still tried to take the initiative of talking to people and even joining clubs... desparate? For me, no I still felt at the time I believe that I can genuinely make friends?... I just finished my first year of Uni. and this is where I stand today, was I right? So far no, however the only difference now from back then is now I take my mistakes and try to learn from them. I still believe and even though there are times I feel down, I'm not down in defeat and I will not give up because even though I know there's no hope there's only a "driving force" in me to keep going no matter what.

Oh and by the way if you notice my grammar is bad that's because I'm pretty bad in English. I tried to convey my train of thoughts to you about your situation back when you started this thread the best possible way I could.

Oh and another difference is even if I end up dying alone I'm not too emotionally attach to the thought of, "I ended up dying alone with no friends", or "In my lifetime I never established a true friend." It's because to me all it means is that there is nobody that's right for me that's all, and I'm not sad about it any more (if I ever was). Oh and take a look at my "Presenting a good Rapport" (something like that topic), notice anything? Well I mean other than the way I brutally worded my thread. Anyways I'll end it hear because I'm starting to lose my train of thought.

AbleIIKnow_wong, anyone who is as self-aware as you are is no loser.

Welcome to A2K.

Hiya almostbitter,

I agree, you've gotten a lot of good advice so far.

If I would hazard a guess at what your problem has been so far, it is that you are too intense. That you care too much about what other people think. There is a whole lot of that in your posts; "How would you like explaining to people that you 'met so-and-so from blablabla.com'?", etc.

Who cares? If you care, that is going to be a problem right there. People pick up on these things, and a certain neediness, a certain element of caring too much, is extremely offputting. It's much worse, big picture, to care about what people will think about where you met someone than where, in fact, you met someone.

Does that make sense?

I definitely second the suggestions to get involved in some group activities. I'd also suggest some activity aimed at getting you to be less intense about each individual reaction. Trying to think of what that would be -- maybe some sort of part-time sales sort of thing, where you have to deal with people and have an excuse. That is, you use standard social skills but have a reason for doing so, for experimenting. Something where you can try something, and simply move on if it doesn't work, and get out of caring about it so much.

Note, there's nothing wrong with caring deeply for a friend after you have established a relationship. But there are so many steps and subtleties of communication that happen on the way, and you have to lighten up a bit, I think, before you can get there.

Oh gosh, I just noticed how old this is.

At any rate, welcome, AbleIIKnow_wong.

I can identify a little with the posts original author and some of those who have replied. One of my lifelong issues has always been simply thinking too much; this tends to disrupt the natural flow that is essential to forming positive relationships with others. One can't just turn it off, though, but perhaps awareness might be a good step.

I'll also mention that I've experienced that sharing innermost feelings too early in any kind of relationship throws the relationship out of its natural flow and progression. I poured my heart out to the girl of my dreams, and we're good friends now, but I could never bring myself to try to make our friendship into a relationship because I'm so embarrassed about all of the things that she knows about me.

Was that on topic? Oh, well. It's an old one after all, I guess.

-m

When I was a young woman, my DAD (a great man) told me that as you go through life you will have plenty of buddies--but in the end, you'll be lucky if you can count on one hand the number of real (true) friends you have made.

My father said a good friend is someone who will always be there for you--no matter how many miles that may separate you or how many years may pass between seeing each other--if you pick up the phone and tell that person that you need him (or her)--he (or she) will be there for you.

Now is not the time to take stock of your friendships; wait until you're 40 or 50 and give credit to those few special people who will always be there for you. They're the ones who matter to you the most.

I have to add, I think it's difficult for Everyone to make friends, at some time or another... so you're not alone if you feel it's hard for you.

You can go where there are people with similar interests (classes, clubs, etc.) but if you don't SMILE at them to let them know you are friendly and willing to talk, they may never speak to you at all.

This may seem obvious, but it took a really long time for me to figure out! A smile can lead to a chat, a chat can lead to an acquaintance, and an acquaintance can lead to a lifelong friendship.

That's a great point about all the teeny incremental things that happen on the way to a friendship. Smiling is indeed important!

you have no friends?.....why? whats wrong with you?

I am young and I have lived in different countries and I seem to make plenty of friends....so why cant you? are you stand offish and make people feel like they cant talk to you?....just questions I am asking,
my intentions are not to upset you.

Get a part time job and talk to your fellow workers, or do what some others have suggested , join a club or a gym maybe....so what, if you have aquiantances, invite one out for a beer (I am unsure what the legal drinking age is) or the movies, if you made the effort to open up to one of them, maybe you will make a special friendship! :wink:

Yes that portion of "friendship" and everything else you talked about is exactly right Subtleone. If you're analytical/aware of your surroundings then it can lead to thinking too much. And I guess that just doesn't "mold" (weakens your "Social IQ") well into society in ways of establishing ANY KIND of relationship.

Yeah I'm like that too, I think too much... and there's more however we'll save that for another time.

Well KiwiChic the way you worded does sound like you're upsetting others (and no not me in particular) even though that wasn't your intention.

Anyways also another part of what you said about being friends it's not as simple as you think it is. Smile..., join a club... find a common interest, etc. Even if those few things apply, how long on the long run can they last really? I mean what if they don't like your smile any more? What if you're in a club and they get bored/sick of you? Same with common interests what if there was one major blowout/conflict in the friendship, etc. you know factors such as those.

Also it's not that easy being "open" to others. Even if you "WANT" a relationship/friendship so BADLY that other people's personality aren't "open" (introverts) and will choose to bottle up those feelings and move on.

In a case say if you are open to people (because you forced yourself to do so) by joining a club, sharing the same interest, etc. the other person/people there would still have to like you some how. People can be very self-centred/judgemental and all of that other critical trash and disregard you, put you down and dismiss you and leave you with the feeling(s) of "because you don't fit in... just because."

My story, I've joined clubs, I tried talking to people with/without a smile and even forced myself to join their interest. In the end it was none of that... why... my point being from all of what I've said.... it comes down to one word... PERSONALITY... your personality. It's either you fit in or you don't or you belong or you don't and you're in or you're out. It's as simple as that.

If you read what "Almostbitter" (who originally started this thread) mentioned you can guess your way (deductive/inductive) to the type of person he/she is and can get an idea of why he/she doesn't have friends, and no knock on "Almostbitter" because at least he/she was able to convey his/her message better than I can.

LOL ...well Abel if some people take things to heart as minor as what I have said means they not 'you' must be very sensitive...so I gather clubs and gyms or wherever a lot of people attend may not be the appropiate place as a lot of outgoing people attend these places........so I gather if you are shy and sensitive with no friends where does one go to make friends? damn I have no answer....chess club?

what about this....save your money buy a back pack, get on a plane and go travelling overseas....go and do your OE, you will surely make friends by doing that.....common Kiwi thing we do here in NZ! parents chuck the kids out of the nest to go and see the world before they decide what they want to do with their lives.......