Reply
Mon 25 Sep, 2017 06:39 pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for 11 months now. We are very happy together but the only issue is my past. Before we dated, we were both a part of the same friend group and I slept with a mutual friend. I know this friend liked me and I never was sure about it, but tried to give it my best shot, yet it just didn’t feel right and wasn’t meant to be. I quickly ended things with him. After a few months, I began getting close with my now boyfriend and we instantly knew we were the one for each other and that a life together was gaurenteed. However, every couple months, my boyfriend goes through sad periods over this incident. He feels guilty for doing this to a friend, but mostly feels sad his friend has had an intimate moment with me and thinking about us once being together makes him really upset. Due to this, we will go without sex for over a week, when it’s typically an every other day thing for us. He believes I am an exception and that’s why he even began to date me knowing my past. He wants to fix this and continue to be with me, yet does not know what to do to accept it and get over it. Please please please any advice you can help me with would be such a help! Can’t stand seeing a sad boyfriend anymore):
@jayzeee,
Oh fer cryin' out loud, you were not dating then. And it was a good year ago to boot.
He has no claims on your past. Period.
Things are only upsetting him because he has chosen to react that way. He doesn't have to. And you don't have to buy into him trying to make you feel guilty about it.
Did you get an incurable disease? Have a kid? Get married to this guy?
Then it's water under the bridge. And if your boyfriend cannot let it go then he is the one with the problem and not you.
You had a past- he needs to grow up and put it into its place.
He chose to lose a friend over this - again his choice.
Can you see he's emotionally blackmailing you ? Withholding affection while he indulges in self pity angst? Then moons over his lost friend over something that happened way before him?
You don't say how old he is, but he's got some growing up to do.
@jespah,
Simply getting over it isn’t an option. It is a lot easier said than done. I am looking for an actual direction for him to get over it. Thank you for your help...he has addressed the issue is with himself and wants nothing more than to not be upset over it, but it’s all he can picture sometimes when he is with me. I have heard to begin thinking about just good times we’ve had together and remember the good, but trying to find something a little more effective. Thanks again!
@jayzeee,
Counseling is more effective.
He has to get tools from an impartial professional about how to deal with things that are beyond his control.
I have a friend that's going through this. His wife had previously dated one of his coworkers. For him, it's not the thought that his wife has slept with someone else as much as the fact that he has to see his coworker everyday which is a constant reminder of it. I agree you both should seek out a counselor. It might also help to limit interactions with the other friend.
You've been with him for almost a full year... and he's still mooning over an "intimate moment" you had months before you two got together?
This says more about your BF than you are seeing.
I can see him not being best friends with the guy from the past, but to still be taking this out on you is something to take note of.
My bet is that's how he will handle life issues to come.
@jayzeee,
"Before" is just that. Before. I am sure you had many "before" experiences. Is he upset by those? Silliness.
@jayzeee,
jayzeee.....you have done nothing wrong. Sex with people in the past is just that. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. If you have long term interest he needs to have professional help. The emotional blackmail is going to spill over to other parts of your relationship if your not careful.
i would tell him if doesn't stop his childish behavior over a historical event that will never change i want to end our relationship. remind him when it occurred you were single and it has nothing to do with your relationship and you have not asked and don't care who he laid in the past and only care that he is faithful to you now. don't put up with his crap.
My suggestion for you to keep carry on...
dont cry for you past.. and concentrate for your future for a best relationship... dont be so .... and carry on...
@jayzeee,
If you boyfriend wants to stay with you and it sounds like he does, he should put a little effort into fixing this. Here's my recommendation. He (actually both of you) should read the book Hardwiring Happiness and put it into practice. Happiness is a choice (also the title of another good book) and he should choose happiness even if it requires a little work.
Stumble It!
Tweet This
Bookmark on Delicious
Share on Facebook
Share on MySpace