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Dating anxiety - fear of guilt

 
 
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2017 07:28 pm
Hi! This is probably the other side of things. There are many topics everywhere about people afraid of being rejected or heartbroken. I'm not a bad looking girl and I've never experience rejection or being let go. However, I'm extremely afraid of hurting people. I always know it will go to **** and it will be all on me. I consider myself undateable, I never want to be in a relationship or flirt again, and I want to buy myself a one way ticket to the moon to avoid the risk of messing someone. And this might be not entirely grounded in reality, as I never deliberately hurt anyone and always tried to do as little harm as I could.

A couple of facts about me:
1) I have a hard time saying no, I'm often too nice and end up leading people. Once I bought someone a teddy bear as a "sorry for refusing to hookup with you when you insisted so much". Basically I have low self-esteem.
2) I tend to be nice to everybody and all kinds of freaky people are drawn to me in hope of finally being liked.
3) I end up liking many o anyway, because I'm easily fascinated with other people. This fascinations come and go and I try my best not to reveal them, to not confuse other people or lead them on. If they notice anyway, I'm doomed.
4) When the crush isn't mutual on my side, I have no idea how to get rid of someone who likes me that way, but doesn't give enough clear signals to confront him, and is deep in the friendzone. I feel guilty of letting that situation happen and dragging it, but I honestly don't know what to do.
5) When there is a mutual crush, I end up being extremely enthusiastic. I have a lot of sexy thoughts about this person. I completely adore them and it's hard to hide it. In my head I already plan our grandchildren's getting married. And the gymnastics of hiding all that excitement is very exhausting. I will draw you portraits, have a special playlist, and I will use online generator to create dolls of us to cuddle. However, these crushes may soon go away - and I always prefer to believe they will, instead of checking it and hurting someone in the process.
6) Most often it turnes out there's not enough chemistry or mental compatibility, because I'm picky lol. And rarely really chemically attracted to someone.
7) I would like to tell someone straight away "run for your life cause I'm flaky and unreliable", but it's too hard to do that when I'm daydreaming and fantasising so much about that person, and I play with hope, but know nothing will really happen and it will go to **** like everytime.
8) I don't go to dates, cause meeting with people and rejecting them after one beer would be just the most horrible experience for me - and I would reject 90% of people after the first beer.
9) I don't hookup, because it's not something I want to do anyway.
10) I've never had a short-term relationship - I don't try the short ones, because I already see them failing before they began with my overthinking mind that can see the future.
11) I was in one long-term relationship which lasted 9 years. At the beginning, I told him I'm afraid I'll fall out of crush like always, but he decided to risk it anyway. We told each other we will try to be friends if things won't work out. 9 years later, they didn't - I broke up with him because I realized he wasn't enough for me. He's hurt, it's my fault, and we're not friends anymore, like we promised each other.
12) Due to this, I'm completely romantically broken, but lonely, with a big "vulnerable" sign on my forehead, I attract a lot of people right now, and I'm lonely and attracted to a lot of people too. I want to tell them "get away it's not safe here" but I honestly don't know where to start.

Any advice?
Also, if someone knows any similar thread, this would be appreciated, cause I don't see much information on the internet about these specific problems.

Also, where I can find a goddamn ticket to the moon, and are you certain there are no boys there.
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2017 07:41 pm
@firelily,
Okay, I am going to throw down the therapy card first.

Talk to an impartial professional about your self-esteem issues, if nothing else. Get better at developing a spine and saying no, because this will also manifest itself in you being overworked and underpaid for your entire life if things don't change. You need to learn how to value yourself, your time, your preferences, and your choices in life.

Also, have you ever considered that maybe you're Ace and you're just trying too hard to contort into a relationship? There's nothing wrong with crushing on people. But definitely learn to say no - also because you can end up date raped for that - you need to develop a means of making your intentions and wishes clearer to people.

And that also means not handing out consolation prizes for not ******* someone. Seriously, stop with that ****, okay?

I am also going to toss out an idea - you might benefit from a few, I don't necessarily want to call them classes, but they might help you:
  • Acting - yes, really! Even if you never end up on a stage, you might benefit from separating yourself from situations and just acting forthright and assertive until you really feel it. "Fake it till you make" it is not a bad way to go through life.
  • Public speaking class - it's the next-best thing to acting, and it's a skill everyone should develop anyway. As you master speaking with authority in other situations, you should start to feel confident enough to speak with authority in social situations as well.
  • Physical training to do something difficult - this would be something like a marathon, weight lifting, skydiving, I dunno. The idea, like with the other two, is to develop assertiveness and moxie elsewhere, and then start to apply it to social situations.
firelily
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2017 07:45 pm
@jespah,
Thanks, this is awesome Smile
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2017 07:45 pm
@firelily,
Aw hell. Embarrassed
0 Replies
 
FrankLee
 
  3  
Reply Thu 21 Sep, 2017 02:47 pm
@firelily,
Jespah makes great points.

But firelily, I disagree that there is little information on the internet about your issue. You just don't have a word for it. It's called 'codependence'. Search that and you'll have as much reading to do as you can handle on one lifetime.

Also search "poor boundaries". I guarantee the description of those two issues will very much resonate with you.
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Thu 21 Sep, 2017 04:16 pm
They say not to take on more than 3 projects at one time. Your list of issues would be overwhelming for anyone to handle.

I see an OCD approach to an issue that should be spontaneous and fun.
0 Replies
 
 

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