Getting the cheater out of my head.

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Me and my fiancé bought a house 3 months ago. A few days letter found out we are having a baby. We got engaged shortly after that. I just found out that he cheated on me 9 months ago. We had just signed the contract on our house and he went home to visit family. He cheated with an ex girlfriend that caused issues with us in the fast when they were communicating via Facebook I told him at that time if he wanted the relationship to work he needed to cut ties with her completely. A friendship wasn't an option. He agreed and said he got the closure he needed. Fast forward 4 months and he goes home to visit family. Two days in to a 7 day trip she contacted him. He had to make efforts for this to happen since she was blocked on Facebook and in his phone. He deliberately went in and unblocked her. She asked if he wanted to get together and he agreeed she picked him up and they drove around for a bit. She pulled over and started comparing our relationship to their high school relationship 6 years ago. We have been together 3 years at that point. She leaned over and started kissing him and he didn't stop it. Actually he let it go all the way to them having sex in the passenger seat of her car. She took him home following and he cut all contact. 9 months down the road she messaged me on Facebook and instagrm. (She was adamant about getting in touch with me). She hints at what happened by saying to tell him she missed what happened in January. Apparently she has been threading him for a while that she would tell me if he didn't leave me. I still had to ask him 5 times what happened in January before he came clean. He said he has felt guilty everyday since and wanted to tell me but never had the opportunity. I asked him the day he came home from the trip if he spoke to her or saw her and he flat out lied. Part of me hates him but I still love him. Now I have these ties to him. We just bought this house and are having a baby. I normally would have walked away no questions asked but now I feel trapped. I can't help it either. This video of them just plays over and over. I can't get it out of my head. I can't even have sex with him without thinking about t and it's worse if I'm on top. He always told me it was difficult for him to finish with a woman on top but then he said it only lasted a few min in the car with her. I am so hurt and broken. Don't know what to do.

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@Mcwrong,

You are in a world of hurt in my opinion as the likelihood is that if you go ahead and marry the gentleman you are looking at many decades of him cheating on you with one woman after another.

Now one way or another the house matter can be deal with and doing so now might even be best so see both a marriage counselor and a lawyer concerning the house.

Only your credit standing for a few years is at risk in any case.

Next if you carry the fetus to full term you are going to be lock to him to some degree for the rest of your life.

I do not know either how far along you are or how you feel about an abortion but short of that brute force approach you will need both the counselor and the lawyer help in setting up agreements on the future child with the father.

Good luck.

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@Mcwrong,

You do not have to go through with a wedding. You do not have to go through with buying the house. You do not even have to go through with the pregnancy.

Talk to your doctor about getting a referral to a therapist if you don't have one already, and talk about an abortion if that is something you're okay with. The clock is ticking on an abortion as, by my calculations, you're close to 4 months along. It might turn out to be expensive/impossible where you live. But a therapist is a good idea no matter what the endgame ultimately is. At the very least, you need some tools to deal with the scene playing in your head.

Another option is to give up your child for adoption. People do this every single day and there is no shame in it. Your fiancé will also have to give up his parental rights if you decide to do so.

Or you can keep your child. But if you do, you will have ties to this guy - whether you want those ties or not.

If you decide to go through with everything, then you will really need to be working with a therapist, and I would seriously consider pre-marriage counseling as well. You and your fiancé would have to work out why this ex captivated him so quickly and remorselessly. And he will also have to work out why he was such a coward about telling you.

Because that was cowardice at work - I don't believe for a second that in nine months he was incapable of telling you. That's bullshit.

Finally, whether you and your fiancé stay together or not, his ex sounds like she could potentially be stalker material. Protect yourself, and your child, if you go that route, above all else.

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Well, I'm going to give another option:

If you are ABSOLUTELY sure that he has cut off all ties with her since the "incident" then go to counseling and see if you can keep this together IF you want to.

(It sounds like she contacted you because he has not continued the affair and has stayed with you.)

If I read this timeline right, the house was not bought and you were not PG at that time, right?

He's a cad, a liar and now has been caught - BUT he has stayed.

If you can list a number of his other good qualities he has, then try to keep this together. But, - as mentioned before - there are a number of options available.

Good luck.

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@BillRM,

As much as it pains me to say this and as much as I am a firm believer against it I did look at the procedure to terminate the pregnancy. However, I have one child already (from a previous relationship) and can't imagine actually doing it. We are currently in counseling and for the sake of the baby (and my daughter since he has been in her life for 3.5 years also and is more a father to her than her biological one) I feel that making an effort is worth a shot. I don't like the idea of being that single woman with two children from different fathers. I know the communication has been cut off. My biggest issue is I know some details of what happened and I just can't get the image of them out of my head. I can't have sex with him without thinking he touched her like this or looked at her like this or did this to her. One day I am ok and working through it the next I just want to crawl into a hole and forget the world. I am just completely broken. Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated.

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@jespah,

s much as it pains me to say this and as much as I am a firm believer against it I did look at the procedure to terminate the pregnancy. However, I have one child already (from a previous relationship) and can't imagine actually doing it. We are currently in counseling and for the sake of the baby (and my daughter since he has been in her life for 3.5 years also and is more a father to her than her biological one) I feel that making an effort is worth a shot. I don't like the idea of being that single woman with two children from different fathers. I know the communication has been cut off. My biggest issue is I know some details of what happened and I just can't get the image of them out of my head. I can't have sex with him without thinking he touched her like this or looked at her like this or did this to her. One day I am ok and working through it the next I just want to crawl into a hole and forget the world. I am just completely broken. Thank you for your feedback it is much appreciated. I have already bought the house with him.

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@PUNKEY,

I am absolutely sure because when she said to tell him she missed what happened in January I told her to tell him herself. She has his context in and she said she has tried but he's blocked her so she can reach him. We are in counseling now and will see how this works for us. My biggest issue surprisingly isn't even the trust. It was that he made deliberate efforts and see this girl and hurt me in the worst possible way. Me ( and my daughter that ha claims to love like his own) weren't even a thought in his mind. I can't have sex with him without thinking about his doing these things to her or touching her and kissing her like this or looking at her like that. I know it happened in the passenger seat of her car. He has always told me it's difficult for him to get off with a chick on top yet he said there thing only last a few minuets. Apparently it was good enough for it to get him off quickly... it's not like he was deprived he had only been away from me for 2 days. I just can't stop this image/ video reel that keeps playing over and over in my head. Some days I am ok and working through it and others I just feel dead inside and completely broken. I love him and I think for the sake of our children I need to try, but I definitely can't look at him the same. I used to look at him like he was Mr wonderful. I knew he would never hurt me he knows my past and how I've been betrayed by so many people. I just knew he was so good to me and my daughter. I never could have imagined that he would be the one to betray me so badly also. Now when I look at him I see this man who has completely destroyed me and let me down like everyone else. I sometimes look at him and just feel hate. I will never look at him like he would never do this to me because he has and there is always the chance he could again. I want him to hurt sometimes. I want him to feel what I feel. But the treat of me leaving of taking his family away from him doesn't seem to trigger any emotion and that hurts. He isn't fighting for me. I haven't gotten groveling or flowers or a card or anything. He has verbally expressed these to me but no actions.

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@Mcwrong,

I'm glad you're going for counseling. Stick with it.

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@Mcwrong,

There is no question that everyone on this thread wish you and your family the best possible outcomes.

My suggestion however is beside getting counseling is to build up a support network consisting of friends and family an also to prepare yourself to be as ruthless and as cold blooded as necessary if you find that your relationship can not be repair or heal.

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@Mcwrong,

Without a doubt he has a issue and needs to be fixed, there is a reason behind why he went back to her. That needs to be honestly addressed if you two are to get better and make this work if that is what you want. Like what was said in a previous reply he did stick around, so cowardice I don't believe is 100% accurate. It takes a lot of courage to look at someone you cheated on in the face and work through it together. The guilt he goes through and endures to be with you has got to be horrific on his end. I know nobody likes to look on his end and rightfully so he is the cheater... I get it... but the cowardice thing to do is stick your tale between your legs and cut your loses. leave you pretend in his own mind it never happened and find someone else.
2nd thing I noticed that I want to bring to light and there are MANY unanswered questions I have about this is that. She knew the two of you were in a relationship and she made a point of getting with you to let you know what was going on? She made the attempt at first contact? There sounds like manipulation and possibly even black mail to use against him. I have had that person in my life and they will make sure he is now in the worse possible position to maybe even hold some piece over his head that you didn't know about just to force him into making a worse situation in the car. Not saying that all happened but from what I heard I would definitely question her motives and resolve to destroy your relationship

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Getting the cheater out of my head.

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