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Tue 12 Sep, 2017 10:19 am
So I met this guy (A) back in January and we hit it off really well. I know this is cliche to say but he really does know me better than anyone and his perceptiveness is what drew me to him even more, I suppose. I have been in a couple different big relationships and I know I love this man. He makes me feel crazy in every way. I have never felt this attraction, either. (Before anyone says anything, it isn't about the sex...) Long story short, fell in love
Fast forward a few months, Found out he wasn't divorced but that it was complicated. I realize I should have run but I didn't. She (B) was in another state and supposedly only coming back to bring some stuff and get the rest of her stuff and go back I wound up moving in because of his insistence and I felt hey, let's leap and try for love. Long story short, before she came back, I left to see what he would figure out and he wound up deciding they aren't as over as he thought. He couldn't let me go and I didn't want to be let go so now we all live together.
At first, I didn't mind. First, they had issues and he said he just didn't want to abandon her and they owed it to try now but if she doesn't like it, she will leave. Now they are getting perfect and he and I are having issues. He wants to keep us both. I love him but I realize they are married and life would be so difficult. I have been living here since May now. Before all of this **** recently, he and I were good. She doesn't know what she wants. Back and forth.
Should I actually try and keep him? Typically I am over the moon with him. When he's with her, though, reality sets in. They have been together 6 years, have that friendship and history. He and I had a few months where we also dated others and now B as well. On One hand, I want to be "positive, embrace life, let it unfold before me...." blah. A and B talk like that. On the other hand, I realize he's married and he and I have no ties.
I worry about the future and all of the negativity.( Low self esteem, insecurities, abandonment issues/daddy issues = me) That's all I grew up with. So I am very torn. It's peaceful here but I need more emotional support than he gives me. I just don't really know what to do or how to say this all but I have no one to talk to. Any questions or replies I appreciate. Try to keep the harsh stuff away? I judge myself enough.
@riverrun,
I suppose he is tickled pink. He gets his wife when he wants her. He gets you when he wants you. Best of both worlds.
I'm not sure exactly what you or his wife are getting out of this since you two are sharing his time and his affections. If this guy is so great that you are willing to have him only part of the time, then who are we to tell you otherwise. I just don't get why you don't feel you deserve someone's full attention, support and love. Seems you are selling yourself short.
When you came here to tell your story, then you have started having doubts, not about him, not about his wife, but about you.
If this the kind of relationship you want or can tolerate, and his wife won't mind at all, this is about for how long the party will last, not so if you are doing the right thing or not.
@riverrun,
Move out and find a new boyfriend..........after you deal with the issues you listed off so you don't do this again.
@riverrun,
You might be crazy.......I don't know........but you're in a loser position. You know it's pointless, just get your butt out of there.
No, you're not crazy. String attractions and passionate romances can at times cloud our vision. It would be extremely unwise to continue living there, however.
Hindsight has always had 20-20 vision. In the not-so-distant future you'll have a vastly different viewpoint. In the meanwhile, if it were me, I'd see a psychologist to help you possibly make a different choice. Soon this living situation will wear on your nerves and confidence to the point where you may resent this man. Or there'll be way too much friction all around. You truly deserve better and clearly he can't give you what you need.
Find a better living situation soon and let some time help you regain your perspective and emotional footing. You may or may not still want to see him but your goal right now should be to get stronger. This is on a collision course as it stands. He sold you a bill of goods as he was not ready to be in a committed relationship.
I wish you well. May your future romances go much smoother and be far more rewarding
@riverrun,
well if you feel yoyrself comfortable - that is no problem)
@riverrun,
Pick the easier path of two evil.
They're married. lets be real. he'll choose her.
You've been seeing him a few months to a year, a honeymoon phrase. Try to get over him before it gets worse? Because no path will end well for you.
You have 2 good options ( I can't think of a better one).
1. Stick around and care less. resolve yourself to know he may dump you the next day and tell yourself you won't give a ****. Enjoy the company while it lasts. I suggest not this path because it hurts more as you get even more attached (it's hard not to be more attached over time and fake not caring).
2. Start planning to move out and move on. When you're ready, say peace out, it was fun. Mentally prepare yourself for the break up.
3* Pay a therapist, they tend to have PH.D's, and resolve your issue in one session. (usually $120-150 in cali. Idk about where you live).
I'm confused. Are you all living in the same house?
How is that 'peaceful' to you?
What does this man want from you? Aside from financial protection, what does he offer you?
Why would this woman put up with her husband's GF in the same house? I'm betting that she's just going to wait this out - since you probably aren't the first outsider in their marriage.
Sounds like everyone is getting what they want here.
This situation will self- emplode. Then where will you be?
.
@riverrun,
If you want to make the set-up work you're going to have on your relationship with your bf's wife. Maybe you'll benefit from family counselling as a group.
Without changing something, it doesn't seem like all three of you are going to end up happy.
@CoastalRat,
That is true. Thank you for your reply.
@cameronleon,
That is true. I have been having doubts and you're right about the last part as well. Thanks for the reply
@YoungStylez,
Well...I have been working on the 1 and 2 because I realize the phase coming to an end. As for the last one...easier said than done. I have gone before in TX and in Colorado...cheaper than in cali...well, depending on where you're at. Sadly, whatever therapists I came across weren't magical creatures and just listened like everyone else and with little help more. Not saying I don't want to try again...it's just that I know the problem...I am down on myself a lot, dad stuff? and according to my family...I care TOO much. Either way...it sucks and I haven't come to terms with it.
@PUNKEY,
Yep...same house.
Mm it is peaceful enough. They are pretty chill and us ladies keep the house while he does whatever and deals with money.
According to him...me forever. He has told me in front of her even recently he wants to marry me.
I'm betting she's waiting it out too lol. At first she wasn't sure she wanted him but I think now she realizes she would lose what she has so she wants to stay
Once it self-implodes...I'll be single and picking up th pieces until I find someone else I care too much about and a new situation arises. Hopefully only a positive one, though
@ehBeth,
You are so right. I honestly think that would benefit us. At this time, I am not sure if I really want that or not, though. I really like that you said that, though. First person to say something about making it work.
@Ragman,
I really enjoyed reading your response. Thank you. I do know that I will have a different viewpoint later on...it is just the dealing with the aftermath and consequences that will be difficult. As for the psychologist thing...I have gone before and sadly, it hasn't helped. The problem is my insecurity and whatever abandonment issues. I've always been hard on myself. Plus, when I care about someone...I care too much. How do I not do that? How do I not want to live and be free and let love in and all of that other mumbo jumbo? Or how do I find someone that cares as much as I do? When I find someone that loves me, I hold on because it is kind of hard to find someone worth even a few months.
@YoungStylez,
I care too much. How do I not do that? How do I not want to live and be free and let love in and all of that other mumbo jumbo? Or how do I find someone that cares as much as I do? When I find someone that loves me, I hold on because it is kind of hard to find someone worth even a few months.
If you want to truly be happy and fulfilled you need to separate and find your husband for yourself unless there is something mentally wrong with you and i don't mean it as insult
@riverrun,
No matter how much you might care for someone, that caring should not come without regard to your own well-being. You can't care for someone and give up your own mental health. That's what might be at stake here. Personally, I've never heard of a fullfilling relationship that has such a description as has been outlined here.. I wish the best for you.
@riverrun,
When you came to this forum to tell your story, it means that you have already begun to doubt and think about your relationship. The relationship is related about your three lives, but you are the key... So please think about it and follow your heart... Good luck...
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